Tainted Love
by Taintedvile
Summary: A woman's desire for revenge outlasts all of the other emotions. He cheated. He cheated himself. You won't always get what you want, but you will get exactly what you deserve. I'll make sure of it honey… AH.
1. Cheater, cheater

**Tainted Love**

I like to see the underdog win by any means necessary, thus I enjoy revenge. I hope you do too.

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**~Chapter 1 - Cheater, Cheater…**

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Shoulda stayed lonely, shoulda stayed bored and broken

I shoulda been alright, just for the night

But this noise in my head, on my cold empty bed

Makes me need somethin, to pass the time

Damn this old weakness, the first taste of sweetness

The lump in my throat, ya give a girl enough rope

Shoulda let my hair down for dancing

Shoulda wrapped myself in a blanket

Shoulda been drinkin just to forget

Shoulda left my lipstick on a cigarette

Tried to put you out, tried to clear the air

But I'm breathin your breath as I die a slow death

What burns like a flash is ashes to ashes

Shoulda let my hair down for dancing

Shoulda wrapped myself in a blanket

Shoulda been drinkin just to forget

Shoulda left my lipstick on a cigarette

Shoulda closed my eyes to dream about you holdin me

Shoulda let my hair down for dancing

Shoulda wrapped myself in a blanket

Shoulda been drinkin just to forget

Shoulda left my lipstick on a cigarette

Shoulda left my lipstick on a cigarette

(Laura Bell Bundy - Cigarette)

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Years ago, when Angela was going through her divorce. We all tried to be supportive; yet remained blissfully ignorant. I had always truly felt sorry for her. I couldn't imagine my husband would ever do such a thing. We were in it for the long haul; life. We never had any serious marital problems, no reason to throw caution to the wind.

So how did I end up here?

Why was my husband lusting after a woman who was everything I wasn't? Didn't he love me?

Those were the rational questions… At first I was so numb; in shock and a state of disbelief. I couldn't eat, nor could I sleep. My husband slept peacefully beside me, unaware I had his text logs.

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He seemed a little distant in the weeks prior and while I brushed it off as being over-worked, stressed, and in general just having a lot on his mind. Angela suggested, I retrieve the phone logs. I could obtain them in several ways…

I laughed it off… But the idea kept clouding my thoughts. Especially upon noticing he guarded his phone as if it were a live grenade. _If he is, it's better I should know now… It's probably nothing. _I tortured myself for two days before installing a key-logger onto our personal computer.

The following week I spent four hours combing through the logs, doing reverse tracking on the phone numbers. Then I moved onto the social networking sites…

_Ignorance was bliss…_

The other woman:

Tanya Denali; thirty-four, in a relationship, catholic… - _WTF?_

Occupation: Anything you can do, I can do better! - _WTFFFFF!_

Five foot seven, a hundred and twenty eight pounds - _Soaking wet and in a bikini._

Attended some college, doesn't smoke but she drinks._ - Tequila slut_…

She likes to read romance novels, but loves horror movies. - _Nasty cunt whore!_

She's a Leo and her mother is her hero… _- Is your mother a skanky bitch too?_

First, I was angry - _very angry_. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops, throw all of his shit out onto the lawn and douse it with bleach. Burn every memory we ever made together…

Then there was a period of numbness, where I confided in some of my best girlfriends. They all kept asking if I wanted to make it work? Like I had a fucking choice… I never stepped out of our marriage, not once. The real question, would he want to make it work? I didn't have that answer, didn't he choose her? My perfect bubble had been popped; it could never be what it once was…

I didn't have the financial stability to leave or kick him out _yet_. Certainly I could move in with one of the girls and interrupt their family and relationships… _To think just last year we were talking about trying for a baby this coming fall_… Which brings upon the realization that I may never be a mother, I'm not getting any younger.

The first few weeks were hard… He remained distant and I - well, I was indifferent. Torn between whether I would ultimately stay or go.

I was always completely wound up, ready to lash like a wrecking ball… Or too tired to function with any sense of normalcy. The symptoms of depression were flu like. My cheating whore of a husband didn't even seem to notice something was off, which only fueled my anger.

And then came a breakthrough… I shared it with the girls over lunch. It started when I'd accidentally knocked his toothbrush into the toilet. It took a rubber glove to convince me to retrieve it. I debated rinsing it off and inside there was this little squeal of laughter. Oh it would be so wrong, yet so right… Which prompted a quick scrubbing under the rim of the toilet bowl, the removal of one cat hair? Pubic hair, maybe? You can bet your ass I moved mine into the second drawer of the vanity before innocently resting his back in the toothbrush holder.

It felt good to know that when she kissed him, she'd essentially be licking my ass. The level of gratification it gave me left me nearly cheering in his presence. Waiting, eager for him to use his toothbrush.

When he did, I laughed and gagged my way down to the kitchen… Where I continued to laugh and gag over the sink. I calmed myself once the water stopped running upstairs… but that inner squeal laughed and laughed. A victory dance.

With that one prank, I realized a few flaws. Even though we never really kissed anymore, I'd have to let him have my cheek… _Butt-face-kisses_. I wanted to laugh and promptly scrub my face off all at once.

Which prompted; the ex-lax brownies and another lunch date with the girls. They laughed right along with me, giving me the validation I needed to serve them. Again I had to play the wait game. When he came home late from work, it was hard to not stuff the brownies into his fat ugly face and down his snake like throat. _God, I detest him!_

I let him know I was disappointed that he didn't call - and oh look, I made brownies! It was exciting, watching as he ate three… Hours later he had stomach cramps and decided to go to bed. I, worried that he was going to shat my sheets fell asleep on the couch in the den.

Next morning, everything seems fine. He's rustling about in the kitchen, making coffee and searching out breakfast. By prank two, I'd done a little more homework… Cheers! That inner squeal went off as I laced his coffee with several drops of Visine. Take that to the office buddy…

He doesn't come home from work early or make any mention of not feeling well. I'm off to Google to make sure I used a proper dosage. Only to find out that it really doesn't work. _So much for doing my homework… _According to Snopes it can have some serious side effects, unfortunately asshole seems immune and appears absolutely fine. Still, I can't help but stare and imagine him falling over and dropping dead… Any second now…

The following day I take Angela's advice and sell the diamond earrings he had recently gifted me on our anniversary. She said selling the gifts given during the time of the affair helped her move on. It only gifted me a temporary high, knowing how pissed he would be if he knew I sold them for probably a tenth of their value.

Too emotionally drained to do laundry... I folded up his dirty underwear and socks and placed them neatly back in his drawer. Including the pair with excessive remnants of the ex-lax brownie prank. After all of his deceit it felt good to be able to pull shit no matter how petty over on him. It had become a game. How long can I make my husband miserable for? Before he realizes I know about his secret affair…

Vulnerable, I let him fuck me. I feel sick when his mouth crashes down onto mine, his tongue lingering for far much longer than I want it to. I don't feel like myself. Everything feels numb. It's almost like an out of body experience as I let him have his way with me. All I have is my vision and the crazy thoughts bouncing around inside my head. _This isn't me… _I love my husband, not this stranger looming over me. This isn't my husband, my husband would never…

_What the fuck does she have that I don't?_

_I hate you!_

As soon as he leaves for work I'm checking out her social pages again. It's hard not to be biased and try to look for traits in her that he might find appealing. My mind is on repeat; _selfish whore, skanky bitch, nasty cunt…_

I trim my hair. Not wanting it to go to waste, I load it up into my spice grinder and then sprinkle it here and there inside the soiled underwear in his drawer. The top pair is missing, so he hasn't caught on. I then decide to move the ex-lax underwear to the bottom of the pile for a more dramatic effect.

I share a few laughs with the girls over lunch. I figured putting my hair trimmings in his underwear would give him a little jock itch, but I never thought it might convince him he could have an std. Alice came up with that verdict, time would tell. I'm so glad she moved out east several months ago, I don't know what I would do without her in a time like this.

_Good, maybe he won't want to fuck me anymore than he already is…_

A couple weeks pass and I'm still actively stalking the other woman online. Immediately I sense trouble in paradise. She is openly having an std conversation with a friend on her Facebook wall. _Yummy! This bitch has no class._

Four days later and I intercept the results of my husbands std testing along with a bill from our family doctor in the mail. I'm relieved they all came back negative but I'm furious he went to our family doctor! Now everyone in the office is going to think my husband has reason to doubt my fidelity. Fair is fair… I reseal the documents in a manila envelope and carefully address it to my husband at his office. Labeling the contents in red sharpie: your gonorrhea test results. In bold print on the envelope, both front and back. _Perfect!_

I'm still conserving water and replenishing his undergarments from the dirty laundry basket. The drawer is starting to reek like ass but mostly stank mildewy socks; I'm fairly amazed he hasn't noticed. We haven't had sex at all this month. Dirty whore is still whining publicly to her friends, I guess she isn't getting any either. _Win! _I finally get the balls to contact a divorce lawyer, knowing it will benefit me to file first. All of my ducks are almost in a row, _almost…_

As the weeks pass my husband seems more withdrawn and when I look at him I'm not really angry anymore. I think I mostly feel pity; at this point I just feel sorry for him. He threw away the best damn thing to ever happen to him. I'm going to leave with nothing short of everything.

I have a few final hurrahs under my sleeve… For now, the girls and I are packing up the contents of our marital home. I leave him the bedroom furniture because I want a fresh slate in that department and of course I leave his shit mostly untouched unless it gets in my way. The girls think I'm being too kind, but I know material things will never comfort or undo what's been done.

I cashed out our life insurance policies and cancelled the insurance policy on his little yellow corvette, to the tune of almost fifty-seven thousand dollars. It's more than enough to pay lawyer fees and cover the bills at my new cute little apartment until I can get back on my feet.

_I am sad for the life that I was supposed to have.I am sad that he didn't live up to his end of the bargain.I am sad that happily ever after was a lie.I am sad that it came to this._

The girls take the truck over to my new place while I take one last look around at what was supposed to be our forever after. He gets the bedroom furniture and the debt. I hastily sign the divorce papers and leave them out on the kitchen counter with a handwritten note.

It started off addressed to my lying cheating bastard of a husband and then I became weak, stupid, and sentimental.

_I trusted you._

_I loved you._

_-B_

Taking one last stroll down memory lane. I want to make him cry, but I want to stop the hurting more. I discreetly show up in the parking garage near his place of employment. An ice pick says it all, grinding the word _cocksucker_ across the driver's side panels of his _baby_. We never could afford a car like this. Heck we could barely swing the insurance payments. I've always had a lot of resentment for his car and I'm sure when his father left it to him, it wasn't so he could pick up tequila sluts in bars. _If his father could see him now…_

I laugh myself to tears as I pull away from the scene. Not several blocks down the road I hear sirens, police lights are flashing in my rearview mirror. It's an undercover in a black SUV. I've never been pulled over before and I'm already a crying sobbing mess. I don't see how this day could get any worse.

"I saw what you did back there. Can you please step out of the vehicle?" And then he shows up - the officer informs me while peering inside. The ice pick is sitting on the passenger seat beside my purse, I know I'm busted. I suck in a breath and wipe my eyes, trying to compose myself so I can find the handle to open the door…

"Edward…" Comes floating from my mouth in surprise; I'd never forget those eyes. Such a vibrant and almost unnatural shade of emerald green. I can't believe this is really happening…

"You've seen better days Bella…" He calmly retorts.

"Can we grab a cup of coffee?" I offer, praying for a sympathetic ear.

"Before or after I book you?" He asks with a shake of his head.

"I'm innocent until proven guilty." I remind him with a forced smile and dry my eyes again with sweaty palms. _What a fucking day?_

"Starbucks on Fifth. I'll be following you so no funny business," he warns with a smirk.

I breathe a sigh of relief before pulling back out into traffic. My mind flooding with memories of Edward, teen years - college years. A time when the decisions didn't seem so hard.

We order coffee and he offers to pay. I smile kindly and pick a quiet corner table away from the windows. I wait watching, knowing the barista is going to comp his coffee because he's in uniform.

I find it amusing that the rebel I knew is now an upstanding citizen enforcing the very same laws he often broke. He looks good, really good.

He slides into the chair across from me, handing me my coffee. Immediately I pop the lid and search his hand for a wedding band. _Such is life…_

"Whose car was it?" He asks, rubbing his hand along his jaw-line. He looks tired, perhaps bored even…

"My soon to be ex-husband… Jake's. Do you still want to arrest me?" I reveal in an exhausted tone. Edward didn't come to our wedding, not that I could blame him _now_.

"I didn't see anything," he lies. His smile is infectious, it's a shame he isn't single. I would love to pick up where we left off… _You're still married! He's married!_

"Didn't think so," I taunt. Then find myself suffering from diarrhea of the mouth and divulge every last detail of how I've tormented my soon to be ex-husband over the past few months.

Adding meat to his vegan diet was more effective than the ex-lax. Posting a men seeking men ad on Craigslist with his personal cell number forced him to shut his phone off for nearly a week before he wised up and changed his number. I pretended to be various customers and filed complaints against him at work, then I got lazy… _Okay so I ran out of fake accents! _… and posted several more humiliating want ads with his office number. A small lapse in judgment, eventually I recalled I wanted alimony and quit trying to fuck him out of a decent job.

Flicked cigarette ashes into his coffee each morning, blew my nose in his hand towels, signed him up for thousands of spam e-mails and to his private business account no less. He used it to contact trash, what's a little more? I even confessed to dialing sex hotlines and asking them to hold. I did that several times, once they waited for well over six hours on one of the nights he worked late. I imagine his next phone bill will be in the thousands…

I spit in his food, cut small bald spots out in his hair while he slept - to go with this early mid-life crisis. Lead the cat to start pissing in his shoes and loosened the seams in the seats of his pants.

That inner squeal… Revenge, had become frighteningly addictive… I admit all of this and sadly there's more. Things I've done that I may never tell a soul for shame. I don't know if I'm pathetic or ingenious, but I know it all sounds crazy - even to me.

Edward appears intrigued and I'd like to hope that's because he didn't believe I had a vindictive bone in my body.

_The need for revenge had burned its way through my soul. Jake ruined my life and now I wanted to destroy his. Set his world on fire just as he had done to mine. Ashes to ashes and all of that jazz. It was the only way I knew how to seek closure… and I still have yet to find it._

I confess that extramarital affairs can drive people to do crazy things. I admitted I'd done things I never thought I ever could or would do to another human being, but finished that same sentence with a _he deserved it and so much more_.

"I chose wrong… I should have picked you." I apologize with a great deal of shame, mesmerized by the gold band on his finger. I imagine her life is nothing like mine. She starts her day waking up beside him; lucky gal…

"About time you admit it. I won't even say I told you so," he quips with a wink. I couldn't get over how friendly he was being. Maybe even a little bit flirty? I could be reading him wrong entirely. It's been so long since I shared the company of another man alone that wasn't my husband.

"Never married," he touches the gold band and gives it a spin on his finger.

"Then why?" Now I'm confused.

"The bad guys I go after are just trying to support their families, albeit illegally. If they think I'm chasing them for the same reason, I can play on their sympathy."

"Bad guys have sympathy?" I ask, amused.

"Just like your father," he laughs softly. "But this baby here has saved my ass more than once," he admits - his tone more serious.

"Your dad misses you, you know. He wishes you'd call more often." Maybe if I had called on more than just holidays I'd have known Edward was fuck hot, sporting a uniform, and carrying more than just a concealed weapon. Maybe I would have beat Jake at his own game…

"You still keep in touch?" I ask casually, sipping at my coffee. Trying to clear the perverse thoughts from my mind… _Quit undressing him with your eyes, still married - remember?_

"Yeah, I still head west a few times a year; always hoping that one of these days I'll run into you again. I've looked you up a few times, but it seems you move around a lot. Half the time your father doesn't even know where you are," he admits. I feel the heat rising in my cheeks, bashful and hopeful all at once.

"I should have…" I shake my head, regret clear as day on my features. I put too much faith in Jake and let the world I knew crumble around me. Thinking I was trading it all away for a better life. _How foolish I was…_

"You're still wearing your wedding ring," he breaks the silence startling me from my thoughts as he slaps my knuckle with his coffee stirrer.

"Yeah, I haven't gotten around to pawning it yet. The divorce isn't final, he'll find the papers when he gets home," I ramble.

"After he finds his car," he chuckles.

"Yeah. It's the only time I can say getting caught vandalizing made my day," I laugh softly.

"Let's not lose touch." He takes the initiative and reaches in his shirt pocket, retrieving a pen with his business card.

"Lieutenant?" I repeat what I've read in awe.

"Yeah," he flashes me a smile. "This is my personal cell," he notes before sliding his card across the table.

"I'll call," I mean it. Shocked that he'd even want me to have his number after the horror stories I divulged. I've become a crazy bitch.

"I do hope you will… Cocksucker, good choice. I couldn't have done any better myself." He notes as he rises from his seat, briefly tapping his knuckles on the table.

"I have a few more, but that one had the most letters," I joke. "..And mother-fucker was too crass. I liked his mom." I feel good, bumping into Edward has definitely improved my morale.

"I'll be seeing you. I need to get some sleep, I have to be back for third shift."

"Okay," I stammer with a nod. He smiles, grabs his cup and turns to go.

"For the record; if I thought it was anyone else - I wouldn't have bothered to stop them. My shift ended a couple of hours ago," he shrugs. "Take care Bella."

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The girls are grumpy when I arrive at my new apartment. Apparently they were worried. Truthfully I don't know how Jake will react to everything. The only contact information he has is for my lawyer, which is exactly how I want to handle things. It's too late for apologies and I refuse to be fed more broken promises. I - am - done. _Done!_

The girls have come a long way with unpacking, the place is almost livable. I tell them how strange it was to run into Edward and they both start feeding me lines of it being meant to be, fate, everything happens for a reason, and anything else in between. _One chapter closes and another one opens._

I swear to the girls that I'll be okay and deny how terrified I am to be out on my own. There's five other neighbors in my building that I haven't yet met. I'm surrounded by strangers in an unfamiliar place. I knew if I asked the girls to stay the night they would make arrangements to comfort me but eventually I'd have to face reality, this is my life and this is now _home_.

We order in Chinese food and share a bottle of red wine before we part ways, I promise to call if I need anything. Which reminds me… Edward's number is burning a hole in my pocket! Still I don't call; afraid he might still be sleeping and I don't want to come off as desperate. My divorce isn't even final, I shouldn't be this giddy over another man.

Then I begin to wonder if that's how Jake felt about Tanya…

Once I get my computer set up, I can't help but stalk her. My marriage is over, I've admitted it. Hell, I'm the first to throw in the towel on paper, yet here I am. I don't know why I punish myself. I come so close to closing out the page when I notice my soon to be ex's name on her wall.

_It's over. I love my wife._

But it's too late. It's over. _Over!_

His account has no pictures or information and she's his only friend. Immediately I connect the dots and assume he's made an account to post knowing I might see it. I also assume he went back to fucking her after his gonorrhea test results came back negative, because it's obvious he didn't put any effort into leaving her before tonight. My only consolation is that all of skank's friends can see that she's a home wrecking whore.

I vow to never visit her page again, but not before taking screen shots - as if I don't already have enough evidence.

Just for kicks I decide to login and check his call and text logs. Nasty cunt whore is demanding an explanation when she realizes it wasn't just all for show to go back underground and he's called my lawyer six times over a period of two hours. I can't wait for that conversation in the morning.

I save and document everything, it's my strongest weapon against him and his philandering ways.

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I can't sleep, I don't know when third shift starts or ends. I just know it's late. Trying to be less awkward and come off as not so desperate, I watch horrible infomercials until the sun rises. I order a snuggie, a slap chop, and dust mop slippers - don't ask…

During commercial breaks I go to _bored dot com _and make a few prank calls to Jake. The calls are limited to three a day, so I work to make them count. Can you tell I've done this before? It takes a bit of effort since vulgarity isn't allowed. _Cheater! Cheater! Had a wife, but couldn't keep her… - _That felt too personal.

_Do I have your attention now? Hope she was worth it. - _That sounded thought provoking.

Instead I sent - _I lied too, it's small. Really small…and yes size does matter! _

I was just about to get to_: Now I stand a chance of achieving an orgasm with a partner before I die. Thank you! _When I had the common sense to not hit send. I was riding one high to the next, prank to prank. I don't want him back. Still, I want to make him miserable and insecure for wasting the past decade of my life.

Then it dawns on me that he doesn't even fucking care. If I meant anything to him, if our vows meant anything to him, we wouldn't be where we are now. I need to move on and see past the rage… This isn't helping.

And ice cream is only a temporary fix. It takes two scoops of mint chocolate chip to convince me to dial Edward's number. He wouldn't have given me his number if he didn't want me to call, right? Right…

I dial, so nervous... I can't imagine doing this on a regular basis. The whole concept of dating is beyond my grasp. Already I feel like I'm doomed to be single and alone for the rest of my life. I hate Jake with a vengeance.

He picks up and all I can hear is background noise. It sounds like he's consulting with a co-worker. I spend a few moments listening, wondering if he meant to pick up or if he tried to ignore my call and had hit the wrong button. It's obvious he's at work and he's busy…

"Sorry about that," he comes in loud and clear.

"Bad timing?" I apologize.

"Bella," he speaks my name as if he's surprised to hear from me. "Actually my shift is about over, I was thinking of grabbing some breakfast…"

"I understand," I note. It was stupid to call now…

"I'm not telling you. I'm asking you," he laughs softly. "Would you like to go grab breakfast with me?"

"Oh, I've already had breakfast_…_"I feel like such an idiot. I shouldn't have called him - this just seems so awkward and maybe even a little wrong. I'm not sure what I expected…

"No pressure," he sounds amused. I can hear the voices in the background fading.

"I don't really feel like getting dressed today," I admit.

"Is that an invitation for breakfast?"

"If you don't mind a double scoop of mint chocolate chip," it's my only defense.

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Edward is coming over! I'm a bundle of nerves and can't stop myself from straightening the remaining boxes to be unpacked. I consider moving them all into my room, but worry that there's not enough time. I scarf down another scoop of mint chocolate chip for good measure. I feel like a fat cow and I'm almost out of ice cream.

Then it dawns on me that he will probably want coffee. Thankfully that's unpacked but it takes a bit of effort to find the coffee grounds since the girls organized the kitchen. I find the alcohol instead and give up, settling on a drink to calm my nerves.

Whiskey, Jake's poison. I never really approved, but I never made too many waves. Looking back, my biggest regret was settling. I settled for a mediocre life and marriage and wore a smile that would make others envy it. _It was all bullshit…_

I take a long swig from the bottle and find very little to admire. A drunken mans actions are a sober wife's thoughts… A knock at the door startles me back to reality. I quickly run the sink and pour the bottle down the drain.

"Just a minute," I call. With a heavy heart I discard the bottle in the trash. _I hate him. It's over…_

I smooth my white sleep tank over my pink and gray plaid pajama bottoms and realize my hair is probably a fucking mess. I'm a mess…

I slide the chain over and unlock the door. Edward sweeps in, coffee in hand before I can fully open the door. I'm left staring out into the empty hall, trying to replay in slow motion what just whizzed by me.

I slowly close the door, but I'm afraid to turn around. He's sexy as fuck, in uniform and I'm wearing a pair of faded pajamas my grandmother bought for me because she remembered I had a similar pair that I loved when I was twelve...

"I brought coffee," he calls over my shoulder. I run a hand through my hair and slowly spin to face him. His t-shirt is black and tight in all the right places. My eyes are ogling muscled chest and there's a gun show flexing at the corners of my eyes. He's in the best shape of his life. Reminds me of Jake before he got that cushy office job and let himself turn soggy. I reach to take the coffee tray from him and when I meet his stare…

"You're really beautiful," I gush.

"Distinguished," I try to recover. Moving past him to rest the tray of coffee on the counter.

"Screw it, you know you're hot," I blurt with little abandon and he laughs off the slurry of compliments. The black cargo pants with dozens of pockets tell me he's probably a part of a special unit. Third shift has lost its appeal, but I love the uniform.

"You've always been sexy. Trust me, he didn't stop coming home because you were there," Edward brings up an obviously painful subject.

"Then why do I feel like I'm dying with every memory?" I ramble, nearly crying out.

"I'm sorry," I quickly regret. I shift my focus to the coffee before I claim a new record of idiocy. I remove the cups from the cardboard tray before it dawns on me that I promised ice cream. I scramble around the kitchen. When I have the ice cream and all the utensils lined out on the counter, he steps up to bat and calms my shaking hands by suffocating them with his own.

"One day," he extends his arms and in a desperate moment - reels me in. I'm crashing _again_. I don't know why this hurts so much. I know I'll be better off but right now I need more than ever, someone to keep reaffirming that. To promise that these tears won't fall forever. Swear that there's still life out there yet to be had. Convince me that I won't die a lonely bitter old hag.

"You'll have to let me show you what love truly is," he seals the sentiment by pressing his lips against my forehead. Drowning in his strong embrace, it feels like a dream. Edward leaps with promises to sweep me off my feet, if I'd let him.

"I'll let you," _fix this gaping hole in my heart_.

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**~End Chapter 1 - Cheater, Cheater…**

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	2. Baby Steps

**Tainted Love**

There's a poem in this chapter by His Singer1, thank you - you know I love you! I'm going to be blunt and upfront, I suck at updating. My schedule can be very hectic at times and I will never release something I'm not satisfied with. So sometimes I will spoil you and other times I will fall off the face of the earth for weeks on end, but know that I will always come back. I can't quit you!

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**~Chapter 2 - Baby Steps**

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I still remember the night we met

You said you loved my smile

But your love for me was like a summer breeze

Oh, it lasted for a while

I could hold on a little tighter I know

But when you love someone you gotta let 'em go so

I'm gonna smile

'Cause I want to make you happy

Laugh, so you can't see me cry

I'm gonna let you go in style

And even if it kills me

I'm gonna smile

Kiss me once for the good times, baby

Kiss me twice for goodbye

You can't help how you don't feel

And it doesn't matter why

Give me a chance to bow out gracefully

'Cause that's how I want you to remember me

I'm gonna smile

'Cause I want to make you happy

Laugh, so you can't see me cry

I'm gonna let you go in style

And even if it kills me

I'm gonna smile

I'm gonna smile

So you can find the courage

Laugh, so you won't see me hurtin'

I'm gonna let you go in style

And even if it kills me

I'm gonna smile

(Lonestar - Smile)

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My lawyer is a ruthless vicious veteran in these types of divorce cases. I have no doubt she'll get me a more than fair settlement, not that there's a whole lot to squeeze out of Jake.

Three weeks of no contact and he enters my lawyers office with his, he needs two… looking forlorn with a bouquet of my favorite flowers, pink daisies. I don't thank him. I don't know what to say at this point, confused with the etiquette and formality of how things should be handled.

Is it common to receive flowers before you divorce? _Gee golly, you were a good wife… _I was a damn good wife even to the bitter end. I could have taken his manhood or killed him. Some days these are still options in my mind, they seem more appealing and less messy than a divorce…

I set them on the conference table and my lawyer quickly pushes them aside so we can get down to business. I can't remember the last time he bought me flowers, my last birthday or maybe the one before? He sent the whore flowers every Friday, lilies. The very same arrangement I'd selected for his fathers funeral… I have enough evidence to piece out their entire relationship. Some pieces are still a little foggy, but I know in my heart it's more truth than I'll ever get from the jackass's mouth.

Every time I look over at him I meet his agonizing stare. Strange enough I find myself filled with sympathy, absolutely brimming. _How did we end up here?_

I thought I wanted him squeezed, so hard - until there would be nothing recognizable left. Especially when he was trying to work on his defense by saying I cheated first. The lack of evidence seems to have adjusted his attitude and he's now trying to demand marriage counseling to delay the inevitable. _It's over._

I cast my gaze away to stare at the borrowed five inch fuck me heels Alice insisted I wear. We made all sorts of references to sinking my heels into him prior… I know I'd be a fool to back down now… I can maybe forgive one day, but I can't forget. I want closure, I need closure.

.

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**Closure**

**Written by: His Singer1**

Our time is up now

We had a good run

It could've been longer

You messed the heart up

I was faithful and caring

Was I wrong for loving?

At first I was angry

Wanted revenge

Now I'm tired

Heart is on the mend

Now you look sorry

And I'm filled with sympathy

How did we end up here?

This is our time

Closing the chapter

Wish I could rewind

You ask what this is

This is goodbye

I'm forgiving

But I'm not forgetting

Memories linger

They've become hazy

Tired of looking at the same picture

Want to move on

But I'm not strong

Need your help to close this door

Don't want your love anymore

At first I was angry

Now I'm sad

You messed this up so bad

Weren't perfect but we were happy

This is our time

Closing the chapter

Wish I could rewind

You ask what this is

This is goodbye

Please don't say that you love me

Please don't say you're sorry

Let me be

Need to be free

I wish you well

Only time will tell

This is goodbye

This is goodbye

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I quickly speak up, interrupting my lawyer as she reveals what we'd like to achieve from this mediation. After a brief meeting with my lawyer in the hall, I insist on no alimony. Nothing, I want nothing more than for this chapter in my life to be over. I don't want to see his name on the checks, nor do I want my lawyer to forward them. Hell, I'm in such a peculiar mood… I offer to pay all of the lawyer and court fees associated with our divorce, including his. Considering I did take every available asset we had financially… There's his half.

My lawyer doesn't agree and everyone can hear it in her voice while she amends my terms. Silence, as everyone waits in suspense for me to confirm the changes. Clean break, no dragging it out - not even for the financial support.

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I knock, Edward answers the door in a pair of gray sweats with a matching t-shirt crumpled in his hand. I'm caught a little off guard and it shows, quickly he throws his shirt on over his head and immediately I feel stupid.

I'm so emotionally invested in what has only been a few weeks. I don't know what to say, I want to laugh until I cry… Reality is such a bitch. I settle on a "hello," to break the awkward tension I've created.

"Things go well? Is everything okay?" He invites me in with a slurry of concern. Up until he opened the door I was feeling great… The tattoos, I'd expected… The variations of pink and purple scars and bruises scattered about his torso, not so much… I'd only had a quick glimpse, but every time I close my eyes I can map out every single one.

"Thirty days of mediation," I breathe in a long exhale. That, I could live with. Losing Edward wasn't an option in my mind until just a few seconds ago. My father is a cop, but he'd never been shot, nor shot at - that I know of. _The evidence is just too overwhelming_…

"And then you're free," he expresses his delight on the topic. Thus far he's been nothing but a good friend and a complete gentleman. Edward put his foot down in the very beginning, he wasn't going to be a rebound. I find it completely unfortunate and Edward insists it's for my benefit.

There was a time when I didn't think I'd survive my failing marriage, there was no light at the other end of the tunnel and then came Edward… _Bursting into my life with a contagious smile and delivering the refreshing slice of humor it had been lacking. _

"You look lost… It's going to be okay. Anything you need, I'm just a phone call away." He reassures me, wrapping his arm around me he tries to rub the tension away. His hand is warm against my skin, but it does little to comfort my thoughts. _He's a fucking pin cushion…_

"How often do you get hurt at work?" I ask, pretty damn blunt. Then look away to shield his view of my eyes, drowning in a glossy wetness that bring promises of tears to fall. _Maybe I'm overreacting… _

"It's been awhile," he relays in a tone that hints to bad memories.

"On a brighter note…" he quickly eludes from the topic. "A receptionist position opened up in my department. If you want it, I can get you in."

"Give me a day to think about it?" I need a job, but I still have some savings to buy myself some time until I figure out what my new life should be like.

I'm still not over the loss of my last job; a social worker at the Department of Veterans Affairs. Preparing Psychosocial Assessments when I couldn't even relate to my own husband… My lack of concentration forced me to step down before I was to be terminated. They were kind enough to even offer free therapy, but I was far too embarrassed to share my personal issues with a co-worker.

The only upside to losing my job; I might have had to pay Jake alimony… And he never even asked why, he was more concerned with how I'd spend my time. _Stalking him and his whore… _Every step of his affair was pre-meditated, he sickens me…

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Edward has to sleep for third shift. I go home, but it doesn't feel like home. One thing is for certain, I exist.

I dial Alice for a little pick me up, hoping she'd be interested in a girls night in. I could really use some company… or else I'll be self medicating with ice cream while I try not to worry myself sick with mind movies of all the ways in which Edward could get killed on the job.

To my surprise, Alice is thrilled by my invite. Which is saying a lot because it's a Saturday night and I'm sure there's a hundred other things a cute single gal could be doing… Instead she opts to be a good friend, my very best.

We have dinner, polish off a bottle of wine, medicate with ice cream anyway… Then dip into a second bottle of wine and watch re-runs on tv. I really need cable…

We talk about what's going on in my divorce to what's going on with Edward. I feel like on some tiny scale I'd already promised Edward we'd have some type of relationship once my divorce was final. It made perfect sense to me until today… Hell, for all I know he could be dead by the time my divorce is final with the way Jake is dragging his feet…

"Bella, what do you want?" Alice gets blunt.

"I don't know. Today I realized I can't be alone and maybe Edward is just a rebound."

"I thought you really liked him."

"I do…and the uniform," I sheepishly admit and we giggle like a bunch of school girls.

"So what's the problem?" Alice waves her glass, gesturing as she speaks and almost spills wine on the rented carpet. I don't have to tease her and tell her she's cut off, she puts her glass on the coffee table and backs away slowly.

"It's what's under the uniform…"

"Oooh, you've seen him naked!" She continues to "Oooh," and "Ahhh," teasing me until I tell and by then I'm beet red.

"The upper half," I grin and reach to pour myself another glass of wine.

"Spill!" She squeals, effectively scaring the crap out of me and I almost do just that, spill. _This rented beige carpet is going to be red before my lease is up… _

"He was working out when I dropped by… It's not what you're thinking. He doesn't look like the good guy Alice, he looks like the bad guy." _I don't know why I'm whispering…._

"The bad guy… What! Does he wear some foam vest to make him look like he's got washboard abs? Too many free donuts?" She laughs.

"No," I laugh.

"And then?" She laughs.

"No, and then…" I mimic.

"And then? And then? And then?" Alice retaliates with a laugh and I laugh until I cry.

"We shouldn't be here... We should be out there somewhere getting our hearts broken." I've definitely had too much wine.

"Not all men are assholes Bella. What's really going on with you and Edward?"

"I don't know, what's not going on with Edward? He's a busy bachelor..."

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It's nine o' seven, Jake is late as usual. I offer a smug smile to his lawyers as we patiently wait for jackass… The entire office is empty except for us; who wants to work on a Sunday? Oh that's right, Jake insisted we meet today.

Speak of the devil, he arrives looking disheveled. He either didn't sleep or just rolled out of bed.

Again we're getting nowhere. I'm frustrated that the most embarrassing details of my life are going to be put on trial when Jake's lawyer announces that they intend to contest the divorce if everything isn't agreed upon on paper within the thirty days. Jake is making it impossible, he disagrees on everything - even when it's already very favorable for him..

With nothing accomplished, I leave the office. I seal my lips in a tight line when Jake follows me into the elevator, he found his balls or a death wish… Perhaps a bit of both… I should have waited to leave with my lawyer, but I just wanted to get the hell out of there.

"You never even confronted me about it. You never gave me a chance to explain… Don't you care enough to want to know why?" He growls in a whisper close to my ear, like it's some big secret, even though there's nobody else inside the elevator with us.

"How was I supposed to approach the subject? Have you tell your whore you'll text her back later because right now you have to explain to your wife how long you've been fucking her… It wasn't about me, it never was." I speak hastily, it helps keep my tone void of emotion and the desire to strangle him doesn't feel nearly as intense…

"There is no good reason why, it's pointless… Just like our marriage. Do the right thing and sign on the dotted line." I deliver my plea for an uncontested divorce, since apparently I leave him speechless.

And I kind of want to flick him in the eye just for standing too close…

"Do you think this is funny? You think it's a game?" When he finally speaks I can't help but turn to look at him, really look at him, and its hard not to laugh but I hold my composure well. He's angry and upset, very similar to a spoiled child who isn't getting his way… _this time_.

"It's over." I state flatly. I could totally nut check him right now… _Behave yourself…_

"Stop! Please, stop and listen to me! Listen to yourself! I've never seen you so cold and heartless…" He's doing a fair impression of an angry gorilla, but he doesn't intimidate me.

"Heartless is what you did. You're a calculating - manipulative - cheating - coward, not a man." I shake my head slowly in disgust and rock on my heels as I watch the lights flicker above the door. Two more floors…

"We can make this work. Baby I," and I already know what he's going to say. He's come to his last resort, pulling out the big guns… Here comes the groveling stage.

"Don't! Don't say that you love me. Don't say that you're sorry. No more lies. It wasn't one mistake, but one you repeatedly made knowing what my opinion would be." I growl exasperated.

"She meant nothing," he insists!

"Yet she was good enough for you to piss it all away…" I huff angry and flee once the doors open, weaving through the downtown crowd to pay for over priced parking.

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.

I need a drink, but it's too early and pathetic to be seen in a bar at this hour so I settle on a local coffee house. I don't understand why he won't let me go without a fight. He spent the past year starving and killing me slowly; then when I'm near dead he wants to save us…

Selfish bastard, I know it's all about the end result for him. Maybe his ass is chapped because he didn't get to file for divorce first? It must hurt his precious ego to have to tell colleagues, friends, and family that his wife left him. I'm sure he'd never accept any fault nor give them the real reason why anyway.

"You're not being fair…" I grimace and scowl into my cup of espresso, his voice rings clear as day like nails raking across a chalkboard. He followed me here? Somehow he still manages to blame me, even though he had at least one affair… We're not just living in different zip codes, but on different planets.

"Don't make me get a restraining order." I threaten, but don't bother to pay him even the slightest glance, no false glimmer of hope. Nothing more to give…

"How can you do this to me?" He groans exasperated at my back and I can't help but laugh under my breath. It's official, he's driving me to the dark side of Bitch-Ville; _again_.

"You had your cake, you ate the whole damn thing… And now you want me to share mine? Well you know what? I like cake too!" I grip the flimsy foam cup and turn to throw it at him…

"Ma'am is this man bothering you?" In a startling panic, the cup slips from my hand to splash at his feet. My white knight shows up in black swat gear spattered in smears of white powder and a fresh gash on his arm. He looks like he was blown through a wall… and he very well might have been…

_Sigh_…

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.

.

Edward meets me around the corner and I end up following him home. I hate what my life has become. At this point I feel safer going home with Edward, just in case Jake may be stalking. Edward leaves me with the remote to the television and apologizes profusely before he goes to get cleaned up. He keeps insisting he'll be right back…

"Don't go anywhere," he calls from somewhere down the hall. I sink into his couch and close my eyes. The sound of the shower running almost lulls me to sleep. I haven't slept well in months; an hour here or there, never more than three or four hours a day.

Edward didn't mention anything about what may have happened at work and I really don't think I want to know. _Ignorance is bliss, it is! _

"Did you miss me?" Edwards voice startles the life back into me. It takes me a minute to figure out what I did with the remote… I find it smashed between the couch cushions and offer it to Edward, he grabs it from my hand before plopping into the chair beside the couch. Immediately, I can't help but wonder why he doesn't want to sit next to me. I don't trust anything anymore…

"No one warned me about the rebellious insecure phase either." He scoots forward and sits on the edge of his seat. His tone suddenly serious, it fills me with curiosity and fear, mostly fear. Calmed only by the smell of his soap and aftershave, distracted by his hand grazing through his short mop of wet hair… I want him. More than that, I want him to want me. I've felt defective ever since I found out about the affair. I know it has everything to do with Jake's lack of morals, his own self esteem issues, and little to do with me.

Damn it, it still hurts like hell…

"You know; the phase where you feel so neglected, damaged, needy, angry, and every other conflicting and confusing emotion… You want to do things you never did before. Do it out of spite or because a new journey brings along a great sense of adventure. Consider drinking, settle for comfort eating, forget about sleeping - get out and see what's out there, get a tattoo, or three, or seventeen," he grins and polishes off the sentiment with a soft laugh.

"Not once have I thought about getting a tattoo," I smile because oddly enough, he gets it. And his gorgeous smile is so marvelously contagious. I love what he adds to my life.

"I did all of the above after you went off and married what's his face. I still don't know what he had that I didn't... But life goes on, right?" He knocks the wind right out of my sail… Yet manages to speak so casually…

"Edward," I chastise. We were never serious. I don't even think most knew we were ever together - together. I was his friend, sometimes.

"Our last night together, I told you how I felt about you. I loved you." He did… But on some level I felt like he was trying to romanticize and rewrite our history. We had _fun_... we did. I would never deny that.

"Only because you knew I was moving on with Jake." I was ready for the next step after graduation and Edward still wasn't ready to call me his girlfriend. He almost had me, almost…

"That definitely lit a fire under my ass," he admits. "But yesterday you made it sound like you didn't want to see him again and then today you're having coffee together. Which is it?"

"He followed me there and was two seconds away from wearing my espresso when you arrived… Before you walked away like there was nothing between us," -_just like you always used to do…_

"You're not divorced yet. I would never interject myself in a way that would complicate things further for you or myself." He speaks softly, slowly - like I'm some crazed gunman he needs to talk down. I wouldn't be so upset if he wasn't so damn accusing.

_He could have raised all sorts of red flags had Jake recognized him… Thus his logic made little sense…_

"Well I'm sorry I've complicated your life, I think I should be going." I reach for my purse and try to gracefully shimmy off of Edward's over stuffed couch in a pencil skirt.

"I could lose my rank and possibly my badge over avoidable code of conduct violations," he grimaces. "I'm not a rookie, I should know better…" His voice is hollow, he's thinking aloud to himself.

"Then why would you even consider offering me a position in your department?" I rise and sling my bag over my shoulder.

"Foolishness, I can't stop thinking about you... I want to make sure you're going to be alright." He blurts as he swiftly rises from the chair, quickly blocking my clear exit toward the door. "Don't make the same mistake twice…"

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I leave Edward with a lot to think about, I tell him I have a headache. Alice is gone by the time I arrive home, I give her a call on her cell and get her caught up on the madness which is my life…

I can't believe Jake is near groveling…

Edward's jealous…

It feels strange, considering I haven't done anything different except be selfish and put myself first.

"Confidence is sexy," Alice insists.

"Is that what it is? I don't feel confident about anything…" I laugh.

"You know what they say, fake it until you make it girl!" This is why I love Alice.

"I think I've got Jake convinced, he called me heartless this morning and gave me a speech about fairness." I'm still shaking my head at that one…

"What a douche canoe…" Alice reiterates my sentiments exactly.

"I can't believe I married him. I just want it to be over and he's not making it easy. We meet again tomorrow to discuss finances again," I groan.

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It's three in the morning and he calls me because he knows I'm still awake. Except tonight he makes the call from outside my door…

"You really should be sleeping," he grins. Standing in my open doorway with his cell phone pressed against his ear. He's entirely amused with himself. I give up on the cordless. Ending the call, I toss the phone on the couch.

"Have you come to tuck me in?" I ask, intrigued by a visit at this hour. I smooth the wrinkles down on my tank top, then quickly reach for a sweater once I realize my nipples are glaring through the thin fabric.

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.

The late afternoon sun blares warm through open windows. Not once have I looked for window coverings even though I detest that near blinding greeting every single day. I think about needing blinds or something to cover them and somehow I manage to forget until we meet again...

This day starts off no different, but the weight of Edwards hand slung haphazardly over my hip reminds me that I'm not alone. He sleeps peacefully beside me, his upper lip curling every now and again under what I can only assume is a hint of a smirk or a grin, revealing a perfect cupids bow time and again.

I ponder what he could possibly be dreaming about with quiet amusement. Truly, I have no idea… Every time I learn something new about Edward, I'm reminded of how little I actually know of him now. It's been so long… yet oddly enough it doesn't feel like so long ago.

My heart remembers his, even if it only felt real for one crazy summer night…

Carnival lights glistened as the stars pinned up the night sky. A sudden down pour of rain, his hand catches mine. Laughter so nervous, it drowns out the shrills and shrieks of the crowd scattering for cover around us… and we find shelter under a group of trees.

Hearts racing, soaked to the bone. We tug at wet clothing, yet his hand never leaves mine. _I'm just going to come out and say it, I love you. _Before I could even register those three words, he was sealing it with a kiss that plead unlike any other, _stay with me_. Never in my life had I been kissed with such raw emotional intimacy and never since... I moved in with Jake two days later, _stupid_.

Even through some of the hardest times with Jake; I've never thought of Edward as the one that got away... _Until recently…_

I'm convinced he's making kissy faces at me in his sleep, at least that's the defense I've decided upon using should he wake up. I brush my lips against his; soft, warm, and tender. He startles and leans back when my nose brushes his. My heart is pounding so hard it's nearly beating out of my chest. _I can't believe I did it!_

_Confidence is sexy… _I recite Alice's mantra_… _

I'm completely terrified of rejection….

I'm needy and desperate.

It takes a few minutes and a quick breath check, but I find the resolve to lean in again. I kiss him softly and he moans; firmly and he rouses. His jaw tenses as his lips begin to move in sync with mine. His kiss tastes bittersweet, green apple and coffee. I find myself slipping under the weight of him when his leg crosses my calf. His chest presses firmly against mine, strong muscled shoulders roll under my hands… and it isn't long before a warm tingle radiates down my spine, euphoria.

His lips hold promise…

Morning, err afternoon wood grinding against my hip delivers vivid memories from the past, sparking that old familiar flame. _I don't want him, I need him…_

With lips like morphine… Damn, he's still got it…

"Bella," he breathes into my mouth. "We shouldn't …" _And_ _I was just thinking we should; do this and a hell of lot more - more often… _He hops off of me so fast, he could have done a back-flip and I'd have missed it.

Edward retreats to the bathroom and I dig my elbows into the mattress… _Gah! _I take a moment to catch my breath before begrudgingly dragging my ass out of bed.

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Sitting at the breakfast bar with my favorite coffee cup cradled between my hands…I can't wipe the stupid grin off my face, regardless it was so worth it. Until my answering machine blinking at me catches my eye; I immediately recognize I missed the meeting to discuss finances… Oops!

I have my lawyer on speed dial and quickly return her call. "_Let me see what they want to do. It doesn't look good when you don't keep me in the loop."_

"Well, they have twenty seven days to figure it out. They're just dragging it on at this point," I admit my frustrations. She agrees to call me back after she gets a hold of his lawyers.

"Twenty seven days?" Edward startles me and I drop the phone haphazardly into the cradle.

"Sounds like an eternity, right?" I laugh it off and reach to pour him a cup of coffee.

"About earlier, I'm sorry... It was really stupid of me to think a man and a woman could innocently share a bed." He takes the mug with a slow appreciative nod.

"It all seemed pretty innocent to me." I nod softly and resume sipping from my coffee mug, silently praying my cheeks aren't ridiculously flushed.

"A kiss is never just a kiss," he explains with an impish smile.

"It was just a kiss," I remind him while wearing that silly grin.

"Thank you for this morning - afternoon, the kiss, and the coffee… I need to check in at home before my shift." Edward abruptly moves from the breakfast bar and fills his pockets with a variety of gadgets, coins, keys, two guns, four knives - he turns his radio on and the room fills with a burst of static before he lowers the volume.

The phone rings, I grab it_. "Now they want full on marital counseling, they already have a pastor in mind." _GAH! I just want this shit to be over! _"What have you got to lose? It's only going to make you look better if …" _

"I know, I know… Fine, I'll be there." My dignity, that's what I've got to lose. I deserve more, so much more! Jake fucking owes me - not the other way around!

"Sleep over tomorrow, around five? I've got my entire schedule cleared," he interrupts my thoughts and I quickly hang up the phone.

"I have a marriage counseling appointment at nine-thirty. Call me when you wake up," I insist. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of keys.

"How about you meet me after?" He leaves a silver toned key on the table beside my door.

"Don't you need that to get in?" I remind him.

"Oh, I'll get in.." He laughs, amused.

"We still talking about your place, or mine?" I wink suggestively. I don't know what has come over me, but it feels good. _I have the key to his apartment…_

"You'll be the death of me, for that I am certain... Twenty seven days," he might have whimpered a little before the door closed behind him…

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Around ten o'clock I get bored and the keyboard keeps catching my eye. I resist the urge to go snooping at the computer, Bella +1!

Then I settle for a pint of Ben & Jerry's chunky monkey, Bella - 1! The thought of meeting Jake again tomorrow has my stomach in knots, yet I can't stop eating! _Lord help me…_

I wait, looking forward to Edward's call and when I don't hear from him I dial.

"Busy?" I ask.

"Never too busy for you."

"You didn't call, so I figured..." I don't know what to think.

"You have marriage counseling. I thought I'd play fair and not run interference."

"Edward…"

"I'm glad you called; anything to get out of doing paperwork."

"About earlier, it was really just a kiss," I reiterate.

"It was a very endearing kiss… But, I don't want to be the other man. You're still married."

"Quit saying the ugly word," I tease and scold him playfully.

"The ugly word is going to come up a lot in a few hours," he chastises with a quick reminder.

"I don't want to go, but I have to…." _And it's going to suck donkey balls…_

"If you ugly worded me instead, you'd probably still be going off to ugly word counseling... But at least we'd be going together." All of this talk about the ugly word suddenly amuses me.

"I didn't think the ugly word existed in your vocabulary way back when," I banter quickly.

"Oh, it existed. It wasn't an ugly word then, it was quite tame next to its terrifying big brother... Responsibility, and I enjoyed having little to none," he laughs quite amused with himself. "But If I knew that's what you wanted, I would have…and I probably would have disappointed you too."

_Would have, could have, should have… _

When I hang up the phone it all makes perfect sense. People walk in and out of our lives for a reason. If it weren't for the bad we wouldn't be able to fully appreciate the good; everything would grow to be mediocre and expected.

_Like living with Jake…_

_Or maybe we're both romanticizing history just a tad too much... _

_._

_._

_._

Jake rushes up and brushes past my side as I climb the church steps. He successfully grabs the door ahead of me. Chivalry… quite laughable, really… I'm surprised he isn't late, per usual.

With not one word shared between us we meet with Pastor Frank in his office. Jake doesn't intimidate me at all in comparison to Pastor Frank. I rarely come to service, once in a blue moon - some holidays. I would prefer a woman to council us; but the bible should be just as damning…

I am asked to summarize what the vow for better or worse meant to me. Obviously he knows why we're here…

"I stood by him through his gambling addictions, drinking, and supported him when he had to work late. I kept dinner warm and offered a sympathetic ear, even when he stopped asking about how my day went. I adapted and rolled with the punches because he appeared to be under a lot of stress…" I successfully refrain from grinding my teeth as I speak… I hate talking about it, reminders - triggers. I can't even look at a happy couple walking down the street anymore without making a guess on which one of them is probably cheating.

"My mother was a nag, I didn't want to be my mother. I was being a good wife or so I thought. I trusted him enough to allow him the freedoms to live his lie," that about sums it up for me.

"Jacob, what did it mean to you?" _This should be interesting… _I choke down a laugh.

"I know what I did was wrong, perhaps even unforgivable. But I still love her; I need your help… I'm here to save my marriage." _Definitely unforgivable. _It's always about him and his needs, wants, and desires…

"Have you both discussed the issues surrounding the affair?" _Keeping his dick in his pants is the issue Frank…_

"I tried," he whines and the mere sound of his voice annoys the shit out of me. I don't know how I tolerated him for so long, love really is fucking blind sometimes… And I find myself quick to anger…

"He cheated and I'd rather not know the gory intimate details. So what is there left to discuss?" We're not going to get anywhere… _Marriage counseling isn't for us, there's nothing worth salvaging… _

"Let's talk about how it made you feel. Let it out, clear the air, lighten the load you're carrying," Pastor Frank insists as he stares me down.

"Once the divorce is final I'll be at least two hundred pounds lighter," I quip. My sense of humor is all I have left to conceal an immense amount of anger and hurt. _Laugh through the tears…_

"Isabella," wrinkles form around his eyes as Pastor Frank tries to ease me into a confession. I already know my pain is pretty transparent.

"One word; devastating. Our entire history is questionable at best. I ask myself; what was or wasn't a lie? I can honestly say I've reached a healing point, I hardly care to know the answers anymore."

"How does it feel for you to hear your wife say that?" I don't like being called his wife… It makes my skin crawl.

"Like the piece of crap that I've become…" Jake whimpers and stares at the floor.

"Not become; the piece of crap that you are sweetheart," I mock. "You planned to carry on your affair until you got caught! Your first mistake was in thinking that you were smarter than me..." I'm not heartbroken anymore. Edward has proven time and again that the grass is greener on the other side. _I'm still working on hopping that fence…_

"That's not how it was; I didn't plan on having an affair. There was no soliciting of any kind on my part. You didn't show much interest and she did. I took the bait…I'm sorry." Bait, I was having a hard time wrapping my mind around the word. To say she seduced him… Pfft…

"You did too solicit. Romantic notes, flower deliveries, dinners, nice hotels, eight so called business trips… You wined and dined your bait before you slapped it on your little hook!" The words come flying out of my mouth so unbelievably bitter. I can hardly recognize my own voice and I immediately want to face palm myself because I can't believe I just said that in a church with a pastor present. _This isn't a very good idea… I suck at sharing…_

"It was new and exciting," _that's all he can say… Why does it hurt so damn much? It's over, still it fucking hurts like hell. _

"I know that there is someone out there with a heart as honest as mine and I'd rather spend the rest of my life searching than settle on a foundation that's irreparably broken... I too want the excitement. I want respect and admiration, someone with a conscience…"

"Bella, please… Keep an open mind." Jake's whining isn't helping his cause any…

"There's nothing you can say or do to fix us," I confess.

Pastor Frank leaves us with some friendly advice. "I advise that you don't contact each other outside of counseling nor involve others in your private affairs. Should you both choose to reconcile and that is never an impossibility," he suggests and I almost snort. "It will only make the process more difficult. We will discuss this further at our next session. I apologize, but I must prepare for afternoon service."

Jake wastes two minutes trying to talk me into going to service with him and then flips out when I decline.

"Why lie! Why come here if you have no intentions of working on our marriage?"

"It's what you wanted, isn't it? You know, I've accepted a lot of things quietly… We each have our breaking points and well, congratulations - you found mine." I leave, he stays…

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"I was so painfully shy, you knew… The first time we kissed you asked; are you going to kiss me or not? Huff…" He laughs softly, wearing that familiar tantalizing… he has a sexy signature smirk.

I ditched church service to adore a scantily clad man who isn't my husband. _- If I'm going to hell, I suppose it's only fair that I steal a small slice of heaven now…_

"I didn't huff," I huff… Embarrassed.

I realize that we reminisce often, probably because current events are marred with ugly. I don't care to talk too much about my pending divorce and Edward doesn't say too much about work…

"You did too… And your nose wrinkled just like that! I couldn't believe you'd given me permission to do what I'd been thinking about all night. It made me so incredibly nervous. You totally put me on the spot," he laughs. _I don't tell him it was the best first kiss I'd ever had… _

"What happened to that shy guy…" I taunt. Edward is edible and he's cocky enough to flaunt it. The only thing dividing us is maybe a thousand threads… _He's even got nice sheets._

"You've seen me naked, I've seen you naked," he shrugs softly. _A decade ago.._. "We're both adults. Besides, a little healthy competition never killed anyone…" _And he fucking winks…_

It was that _ah-ha_ moment where I found perfect clarity. "Exactly!" We're both adults, we've already seen each other naked and I'm wearing those empowering sexy underwear Alice talked me into. _That's what she said… _

"So…Are you going to kiss me or not?" I ask, utterly fascinated with romanticizing history.

_A kiss is never just a kiss… _

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**~End Chapter 2 - Baby Steps**

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	3. Two Steps Back

**Tainted Love**

The intro poem is by His Singer1, she writes amazing poetry, you can find her in my favorites. I give her very little to work with, she always comes through; and she tolerates me! I don't know how she does it, seriously. Love you, muah!

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**~Chapter 3 - Two Steps Back…**

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Here we go again

Breathing fresh air

Then the dirt you're airing

Polluting my oxygen

Seeing clearer

Feeling confident

Here you come blurring the lines

Its like one step forward

Two steps back

Four steps forward

Two steps back

I have a friend in you

Wanting more

Scared to tell you

Not that brave woman anymore

Moving forward

Two steps back

One step forward

Two steps back

(By: His Singer1)

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Edward pecks me quickly on the lips…before rushing out of bed to get ready for our _not a date_. I catch a quick glimpse of his ass crack before he closes the bathroom door behind him. I need to get me some of that… or a Starbucks frappuccino - mocha, no - no, java chip!

It doesn't take much convincing to get him to hit up the drive thru, he's a coffee junkie too. I didn't used to be; a coffee junkie. Now I need every possible legal stimulant to keep depression at bay…

I don't know if he's playing hard to get, sincerely doing this for my own good, or just fucking with my head. God he has an amazing ass…

He made it clear several times from the bathroom and on the drive… This is not a date.

_Not a date_.

No courting going on whatsoever.

Dates are for single people… It only fuels to remind me I'm still hanging off in limbo land... Separated, not yet single. I hate it, more than I despise being married to a dickhead.

"Edward, what are we doing?" I ask in wonder.

"I'm taking you out to dinner," he laughs softly at his too quick reply and I can't help but smile. "I figured we both need to eat, right? - Right," he corrects his previous statement.

We pull into the parking lot of a little Italian restaurant and Edward opens my door just as I'm about to open it, per usual. "Not a date," I repeat with a smile and he smirks.

"You've already had your tongue in my mouth," he recovers quickly and I can't help but laugh.

"Is that what you think about?" I tease as we stroll into the lobby. I'm sure my cheeks are bright red. Somehow he always manages to embarrass me, make me laugh, and feel a decade younger... I soak up and savor every minute. Life with Jake was nothing like this, _ever_.

"Quite often… Table for two, non-smoking please," he takes my hand and we follow our waiter to a table along the far wall. I've never been here before, there's a lot of dark wood with minimal lighting to admire it. The candle on our table projects more light than the vintage bronze sconce on the wall. I order a glass of the house red wine and Edward selects a German beer. Our waiter leaves us with menus and fresh glasses of ice water.

"So how did the ugly word thing go?' I raise my eyes from my menu…

"I know it's the elephant in the room, but maybe if we ignore it - it will creep off to a far corner," I joke.

"You don't have to share," he quickly steers us away from the topic and we encroach upon silence.

"I feel like my life is on hold and I'm constantly being punished and reminded of something I had no hand in."

"I'm sorry, I didn't..." _It's not your fault that I chose stability over passion. _

"I don't know where this is going, but please believe me when I say my marriage is over."

"I believe you," he smiles and the waiter arrives with our drinks. I start off with an embarrassing swig of red wine before realizing that the waiter is hovering for my order.

"Do you need a few more minutes?" He asks with a raised brow. Edward shakes his head softly - entirely amused.

"Why don't we order a pizza?" Edward eventually chimes in when he sees me frantically yet meticulously scanning over the menu.

"Sure, with mushrooms…" I insist, Edward makes a silly face…

"And onions," he adds.

"Some spinach," I smile.

"And lots of garlic," he emphasizes. The waiter scribbles on his pad and takes our menus from us before heading off toward the kitchen.

"Onions and garlic, you must really detest my kisses…" I tease and he laughs - shaking his head as he tries to find his composure. It's good to see some color in his cheeks for a change.

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Dinner is fairly quiet and uneventful. I admit I'm tired, but it's more than that. I'm so physically and emotionally drained it's a wonder how I drag my ass out of bed each day.

"Aren't you going to invite me in?" Edward leans against my apartment door as I rummage through my purse for my keys. He doesn't have to try to be cute, he's gorgeous. Tonight was the first night I'd seen him in dressier attire; black dress slacks and a black button down shirt with a tiny blue pinstripe. It's always work clothes or work out clothes…

"I can't, I have plans… with Bob." I turn the key and push my way inside my apartment.

"Bob," he repeats. _Did I say that out-loud? _

"My battery operated boyfriend," I explain. I'm a horrible liar and four glasses of wine hasn't helped to clear my head any.

"Oh, I see…" His jaw drops and I can't quite decipher his expression… Curious, amused, intrigued, shocked?

"As soon as my divorce is final, I'm going to rape you." That was how I intended to end the night, except he steps in and stops the door from closing.

"You can't rape the willing," he confesses quickly.

"Put out or get out," I shoo him back. I'm kidding… I think…

"Are you serious?" _The million dollar question… Maybe? I don't know…_

"Depends, which way are you leaning? Never-mind, don't answer that, goodnight…" I begin to close the door again.

"I'm going to be lonely without my snuggie," I laugh at his mock whimper. Why did I buy it? It looked funny and I admittedly made fun of those people on the infomercials repeatedly over a period of several months nearly every time I saw it being advertised. Then my husband fucks around on me and I crack and buy a damn snuggie once loneliness really settles in…

_It's everything they promised and more, still I should have ordered jewelry or shoes from the QVC network._

"I'll order you one," I quip. _Why is it so hard to close the door? _

"Give me yours," he smiles wide - and now he's just being cruel.

"Fine, I love my snuggie. There, I said it! I need it more than you do." Closing the door a few more inches… _Hey, it's progress!_

"I don't want to go home and you don't want me to leave," he rests his palm firmly on the door to stop it from closing further.

He spends the night… _I'm such a pushover_. We sleep with our clothes on…

Edward really likes to cuddle; which only further fuels the perverse thoughts in my head.

I'm still wide awake when he falls asleep…

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Since Jake created a face book account, he leaves me little messages. Apology after apology, they're all the same and none ring sincere. He's not sorry, just sorry he got caught. He's not supposed to be contacting me… He's ignorant in all aspects of life - our wedding vows were no exception. So I shouldn't be too surprised that he would ignore Pastor Frank's request about not having contact outside of marriage counseling. I never pay them any attention or make mention that I've received them.

_Let him wonder… _

_Why oh why do I still check for his messages, look forward to them even… _

Our meeting with Pastor Frank this afternoon doesn't differ from the first. Jake admits some of what I already know and is given a to do list to help me heal_… Blah, blah, blah…. _He gives us each a book and he'll see us next week to discuss what we've read. _Homework, lovely…_

"Bella, wait up!" He chases me down the church steps.

"Forget it," I walk faster.

"Stop, please!" He catches my arm and jumps out in front of me.

"Baby, don't worry I'm going to break it to her but it's going to take a little more time and finesse," I laugh. "Sound familiar; my cutesy wootsy teddy bear?" It should, considering I'd repeated word for word what they'd said on the voice activated recorder I carefully hid under the back seat of his car. Including her obnoxious pet name for him. I think it was her way of politely calling him a fat ass.

"Just sign the damn papers," I scold!

"That's personal… and illegal!"

"You've already admitted to the affair - and lest you not forget what's yours is mine darling… So do yourself a favor and sign those papers." It would be in his best interest to play nice. I've already come up with several options should he contest the divorce, hiring a hit-man is quickly scaling to the top.

"No!" He snarls in my face.

"You're a disgusting pig, you know that?" Up close, I can smell the whiskey on his breath.

"You married me." I walk hastily to my car with him on my heels

"Yeah, thanks for reminding me fucker," I huff - slamming my key into the lock on my car door.

"We can make this work if you give it a fair amount of effort," he leans on my car and tries to win me over with puppy eyes, he's pathetic.

"I now know who you are when I'm not looking, you can't erase that. So quit trying to make me feel like a worthless - horrible person! You decided to have an affair, thus I can decide I want a divorce." _Cause and effect, let me break it down again douche bag._

"I never stopped loving you…" he moans desperately in a near whisper. I start my car and he practically leans into my lap as I adjust my seatbelt. In his sick and twisted mind I'm sure he probably does love me, but I also think he doesn't have the slightest clue as to what love really is.

_I sacrificed so damn much - for a man… I lost sight of who I am._

"You'll get over it," I state coldly and quickly push his head away so I can reach to close the door. _Maybe one day I will get over it…_ If he was thinking about making a move in trying to kiss me… Well, I just saved him a few teeth because I'd have no objection to knocking them out. I'd do my daddy proud.

"I've learned my lesson… I swear, it will never happen again. One more chance is all I'm asking," he pleads while I close the door in his face. I put the car in drive and crack my window…

"Once those papers are signed I won't waste another day of my life with you. That's a promise and it's time you face it." I relish every moment in which I can torture him; some habits die hard.

_._

_._

_._

_._

I received a message today from his little love bird… I haven't stalked her page in awhile, so to see her name all of a sudden appear in my inbox is a peculiar surprise to say the least… She goes in depth about their affair.

_Don't try to tell me how my husband fucks bitch, who the hell do you think taught him? I know what color underwear he wears, I bought them! Don't tell me what I did or didn't do in my marriage… _

_(No, I didn't force him to have plastic surgery, nor do I have a low cervix or any other strange deformity. The man has a small penis! Wouldn't it make more sense to fix my deformity should I have one rather than create a deformity to mold into another deformity? What doctor would do that?) _

_You stupid whore! You can have him, he doesn't deserve a woman like me!_

I'm absolutely livid and reeling by the time I finish her two page message. She didn't come clean for me - she did it for her. She berates me for being a terrible wife. I'm not there for him, _puh-lease bitch! _

_My response -_

_If that makes you a better woman than me; well, bless your heart honey. He's not my problem anymore._

I know I shouldn't respond, but I did backspace my closing sentence. _Go get your micro-peen! Stroke that teeny tiny chemically erected weenie! You fucking nasty skank whore… FUCK YOU!_

_I hope you change your ways, repent to God, and become a decent human being. Not for your sake, but to spare the innocent of your destruction. - Wishful thinking…_

_FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!_

As much as I want to tell her off, she's not worth engaging… I refuse to argue over micro-penis via private message. Once it's on the internet - it's there forever, and I refuse to embarrass myself.

I block her from sending me any further messages and I sign off with the illusion that I said everything I wanted to say and then some…

Still, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm so damn angry that he could bring this trash into our lives. I'm disgusted with the mental image he's portrayed of me…

_Now he's just a broken man with a sob story of how his soon to be ex-wife gave him micro-peen... Today, he's my biggest deformity to date._

I tell myself I really don't care; it's the rage and I don't know why I can't make it go away… It's a sick vile crippling reminder. I feel like I won't get any rest until the karma bus has run them both over repeatedly. I wish the nastiest and most vile incurable diseases upon them and even that isn't good enough - I'd want to be their nurse too! If only so I could stab them a thousand times over with excessively large needles!

It's all about the pain - I don't think it will ever go away. Even after they ache like I ache, will I then be cured? Doubtful… I'm so ready to move on, but I don't know where to begin. I'm just going through the motions of the day to day with a silent prayer. I want to kill him, but I don't want to rot in a tiny cell. (_Lorena Bobbitt is my hero.) _

_Thus I must not kill him… _

Today sucks!

_._

_._

_._

"Edward, I can't… I'm scared," I laugh nervously as he tries to hand me his weapon. Again, I refuse to take it.

"Look, it's easy." He throws out his right arm and fires five rounds without even looking at the target. Each loud obnoxious bang is followed by the melodically bell sound the shells make as they skip and bounce across the concrete floor. I watch his eyes and he doesn't even blink.

"For you…" I mumble in disbelief. He managed to hit the target twice in the head, once in the chest, and successfully took out both knees. I didn't even see his arm flinch and each gunshot rang consecutive with no delay.

"Your turn," he places his gun in my hands and it makes them appear incredibly small. I feel the firmness of his chest pressing at my back, pushing me front and center to be aligned fully with the target. Cold metal and a tight trigger, I couldn't consecutively fire the damn thing like he did if my life depended on it. I'm still trying to fire my first shot…

"Here, let me help you…" he laughs.

"Now you're just having fun at my expense," I groan as he exhales softly over my shoulder. His warm breath glides down my chest and in the absence of his heat I can feel my nipples tighten and harden…

"I'm trying to help you," he notes slowly. The man is mesmerized by my boobs and I'm so completely flattered I can't cease my lips from curving into a grin.

"Pull the trigger when you see something you like," I taunt, quite certain his eyes are still focused in the same direction as his accelerated breathing…

He straightens my arms and helps me dial in a chest shot. "Shoot…" _Okay, so we'll pretend you weren't just gawking at my boobs two seconds ago…_

"I can't, it's too hard. Is the safety on?" I can feel his chest heaving at my back with every rise and fall… "Quit laughing at me! You're a horrible instructor, you know that?" I playfully scold.

"I'm sorry, I should have explained better… Don't just pull, stroke it." I look over my shoulder and it's my turn to laugh.

"Does that pertain to all weapons," I tease. Everything he says and does comes across as being sprinkled in sexual innuendo this afternoon. Or maybe it's just me…

"Yes…" He straightens my arm and I face the target again… "And yes…" he catches onto my little joke. It's definitely him… _I need to buy new batteries for Bob._

"Let me watch you again, slower this time." I lower the weapon and ever so carefully hand it back. I'd rather watch him… I thought this _not a date _might be boring, but he's pretty damn sexy when he's slinging bullets _like_ _his life depended on it…_

"See, watch my finger. Start at the top, slide and squeeze - pull, slide and squeeze…" His lips keep moving, but the sound of gunfire drowns out his voice. Watching him has done little to improve my lack of confidence. I'd rather be kissing him instead… He makes it look so easy… When he places the gun back in my hands I mentally prepare myself to do this slide-squeeze-pull-stroke method, double checking the placement of my finger when the gun goes off and throws me colliding back into and against Edward.

"Shit!" It scares the hell out of me! However the amount of adrenaline coursing through my veins is enough to have me standing tall and ready to take my next shot.

_Now I really could shoot Jake… Before I said I could, but I couldn't. I would have looked so fucking pathetic when I realized that… _

_But now, you better run bitch…_

"Great crotch shot," Edward laughs_. I was aiming for the head, but that'll do…_

_Lord help me move on. Guide me - show me how to see past the pain, hurt, and betrayal. _

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The phone rings and my heart skips a beat.

"Thinking of me? Third floor clear." He's obviously working, it's just after midnight. Hearing his voice makes me smile until I hear static and gunfire.

"Fourth floor, shots fired." Static… "I'm going to have to call you back, sorry," he laughs… There's beeping like he's trying to dial out, he hasn't hung up yet.

_It's not time to be making phone calls princess…_

_Says the big guy who pissed himself last week, cover me or… just cover me. _Where the hell is he going?

_Fucking prick!_

_Shhh… _Edward laughs softly. Another shot is fired, this one sounds a lot closer.

_Jimmy! Come on Jimmy, put the gun down. _Edward sounds so condescending, like he's calling the bluff of a childhood friend from third grade. Jimmy has a gun…

_Come any closer, I'll shoot… _Umm, Jimmy really has a gun…

_Who, yourself? _Edward is crazy! _You're worth more to those girls dead anyway… Pull the trigger._

_Fuck you, you know nothing! _

_Jimmy, it's the end of the road and we don't have all night. _

_Man, I can't do time again. You don't understand!_

_I hear it has a lot of amenities these days. Get clean for your girls. Give them a father they can be proud of._

_I can't go away, my lady can't hang another term!_

_She'll hang, she said that the last time. If she can't, so what? Bitches can't always hang, just ask Rob over there…_

_You're a fucking prick, you know that? Cuff him already Batman… _

Edward laughs… I'm hanging onto every word. Batman?

_Man… Come on, you know what it's like out here…_

That's all I get; disconnected.

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_._

_._

He bought her gifts, took her with him on trips. He sent her love notes, spent countless hours talking to her. (He gave her foreplay, all I ever got was thrusting.) He cheated me out of so much and the more I sit and think about it, the more clearly I see how I cheated myself. He gave her everything I gave up wanting. I kept lowering my expectations of him so I wouldn't be disappointed and look where that got me…

I've been thinking a lot about how I ended up here. One bad choice after another. Giving up my ideals of a happy marriage one piece at a time. Convincing myself it was normal; a one, three, seven, eight, nine, and ten year itch. I can see how I didn't necessarily fight for my marriage while I was in it; I let him steamroll me because that was the easiest way to appease him. Essentially, I was letting him suck the life right out of me.

He doesn't know anything about me anymore, we have very little in common… He stopped asking and caring long ago. I can't find a single reason to fight for my marriage. Right now, he's not someone I'd ever be interested in dating and just because I married him doesn't seem like a valid enough excuse to give him another chance.

The affair was my wake up call. My eyes are wide open and to close them would only insult and add further injury to myself. I can honestly say I'm a better person without him. Sure - I miss certain aspects of having a relationship with a man, but I don't miss him. _Not even a little. _

"If you want you can read the texts and e-mails, I brought them. In black and white they're soulmates (schmoopies..)," and I'm the villain.

"_It's easy to re-write history in anger. Tell me why you married him? Certainly you must have been in love at some point?"_

"For a short while…" I endured a lot through the years and somehow he was always the victim. Every time he'd destroy pieces of our life together, there was always an excuse and the blame never rested solely on him. Forget that we almost lost our home due to his gambling addictions, he should be praised for coming clean. Never mind that he waited until he was in over his head and had no choice.

I'm working overtime and babysitting the neighbors children on the weekends for an extra income and he's drinking it away. I was stressed too, but he never asked. I didn't get a break and I was too pissed and hurt to ask for one. I expected him to know and when I'd finally speak up it would become an argument. One upping each other until one of us would get tired of yelling and then things would be fine for him. As long as I kept quiet about my problems and expectations, living with him was tolerable.

There were plenty of times I wanted to leave, even if I didn't verbally say it. No, to say it would be to admit some failure on my part and nobody would forgive me for leaving him at the lowest points in his life. Just when I think he couldn't possibly embarrass me anymore than he already has…

"I can't take it anymore!" I hate marriage counseling, this solo session has been one trigger after another…

If he had left me for her before I had the money to leave it would have been so much worse.

"I still haven't told my father…"

"_Are you completely focused on leaving because you're afraid he'll disappoint you again? You haven't told your father, that tells me you still have something invested in this marriage. I want to help you regardless of whether you stay together or not. I do hope you understand that." _

"This is the most painful thing that has ever happened to me in my life and I just want it to be over." Any good that was in my marriage has been washed away by a tsunami. My only regret now is not leaving sooner.

I want all the romantic gestures he shared with her. I want sixteen or so e-mails a day and multiple phone calls. No less than two thousand and forty texts each month, I was lucky to get several…

I want what should have been mine in the first place.

However, today - I no longer want it from him.

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I don't know Edward's schedule, but I haven't heard from him since I was disconnected… He's not taking my calls and I assume - hopefully, he's either sleeping or working. The need to see him takes over all rational thought and I decide to swing by his apartment.

Today's counseling session turned out to be a complete mind fuck. Even when I start to find some semblance of peace, the fire - hate and rage still burn in the background. I tell myself it will get easier when I'm no longer triggered by the sight of Jake on a weekly basis. I have to believe there's a means to an end… I hardly eat and when I do it's all shit that makes me bloat and look like I gained twenty damn pounds. The numbers on the scale keep dropping right along with my energy levels, I look and feel like utter shit. I'm becoming dependant on over the counter sleep aids and lately they don't even work. Counseling isn't helping. It only further reminds me how much life has changed - one defining moment. No matter how much I try to not let Jake's affair define me, I can't help it.

I realize Edward's alive and well as I approach the door with his apartment key in hand. I can hear his muffled talking and laughing through the door, he's probably on the phone…

I smile, filled with an overwhelming sigh of relief. I could really use a hug…

Until I open the door…

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I drive, blinded by tears. I should pull over - and not just for my own safety; I don't give a fuck. That translates into drive faster, I just want to get home. I immediately call Alice, beg her to come over pronto, and start pouring the wine. I cry, and I cry, and I cry some more… The tears are never ending, no matter how hard I try to suck them back in anger.

"Alice!" I can't pull her inside fast enough.

"That bad?" She hugs me and I'm so grateful to not be alone, I might have squeezed her a little too hard. "Now, where's my glass?" I hand her the bottle, I gave up on the glass when the third refill rolled around.

"He's seeing someone else," I blurt.

"Who?" She asks, I realize my problem…

"Edward! I don't know her…" My voice is loud, frantic. He doesn't owe me anything, he's single - I'm married. _My level of attachment is obscene… _I deserve to be raked over hot coals.

"Bella, I'm sorry."

"I'm losing my mind. I don't know what to do with myself - everything is in limbo. I can't stand the thought of being alone… He gave me his key and I thought that meant something! They were smiling and cooking together…" I ramble, my mind racing from one thought to the next.

"What happened?"

"Nothing, I left."

"You didn't say anything?" Alice seems perplexed by my ability to control myself - I'm sure I look a mess…

"I don't even know if they saw me… I was soooo embarrassed Alice," I cry. "For a split second Jake had an advantage… I don't really love him, but for a moment I wanted something familiar. And at least now I know Jake is a snake…" I shake my head, then grab the bottle from Alice. Since she's not drinking, I will.

"Edward too…" Alice sighs.

"He's single, I don't know what I was thinking..." I wish those words could be comforting, but he's still a liar…

"Why would he give you a key if he didn't expect you to use it?" I asked myself the same question…

"Maybe he thought I wouldn't use it without permission?" Yeah, it didn't make sense to me either. My only conclusion, men are stupid.

"A key is permission," Alice reiterates what I once thought to be true.

"I thought we were counting down the days together… I let him get under my skin, deeper than Jake, I was telling him everything." _I'm such a fool…_

"It's better to find out sooner than later," Alice tries to find a bright side. _Bright side fail…_

"I shouldn't be hurting this much. I'm too old for this shit. I know better, what the fuck am I doing! Who am I!" I know I'm not this crazy person, but I'm a fucking crazy person!

"You're my best friend." _I love Alice._

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The following day…

5 pm, Edward gets around to returning my calls…

Leaves a message.

_Hey, yeah - I'm good. Uhh… I was wondering if you had plans in the morning? I won't get off until around six umm.. but we could grab coffee and maybe breakfast? Talk to you later._

I realize how accessible I've been; that's the first time my answering machine has ever had the chance to pick up his call. At this point I don't know how to react. I'm heartbroken and I don't want him to know. I did the same thing with Jake, cut myself off until the blood runs cold. I wanted so badly for Edward to be different…

3 am, Edward calls…

Leaves a message.

_Um.. It's been awhile since we talked… You're probably sleeping now. I hope you're not upset with me. Give me a call, it's Edward._

He sounds so innocent and a little worried, scared… I couldn't sleep if my life depended on it. Instead I torture myself by replaying his messages over and over just to hear his voice. I wish it were different…

Just after 6 am, three hours later, Edward calls - again…

_Drop by when you wake up, I'll have coffee ready - I don't have a shift again until eleven. _

Noon, Edward calls…

_Wow, um… I realize I talk to your machine a lot lately. (Laughs softly…) Well, I'm guessing you probably had meetings this morning… I hope we can catch up later. Call me._

Just after 3 pm, Edward calls…

_It's strange to not hear from you by now… Um…I'll be leaving for work at eleven, I'd love to spend some time with you before my shift - we can have dinner at my place. I'll take care of the food. Call me, it's Edward._

Just before 6 pm, Edward calls…

_You need a cell phone. We're going to be having burnt lasagna if you don't hurry up and get over here. Um… I'll be waiting. See you soon!_

Just after seven, Edward calls - and hangs up without leaving a message.

Just after 8 pm, Edward calls…

_Looks like we'll be ordering take out, call me when you get in and I'll drop by._

Just before 10 pm, Edward calls…

_I really need to hear from you, call me anytime. I'm getting worried about you… It's Edward… and you're probably getting tired of hearing my voice. _His laugh makes me smile.

10 pm, Edward calls - and hangs up without leaving a message.

Just after midnight, Edward calls…

_Are you there? It's been more than forty eight hours…I'm worried. Call me - it's Edward again. _

I start to feel guilty for not returning his calls since his messages sound genuinely concerned... I try to think of excuses to put some distance between us…

Just after 1 am, I call him back…

I become flustered when I end up in his voicemail box - then quickly realize this was a godsend. One long pause later…

_I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to call you back sooner. I have a lot on my plate right now and I haven't been feeling well. I'll call when I'm up to it. _

I sound like an idiot…

Five minutes later, Edward calls back…

_I'm very sorry you're not feeling well… Let me know if you need anything, I can drop by anytime. _

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Five days without seeing Edward is becoming a little awkward, especially since he keeps calling. I'm back to not returning his calls because I suck at excuses and I'm a horrible liar. It pains me to lie to Edward, I don't know why - it came so easy with Jake… Alice says I should keep him hanging for giggles… Except I don't feel triumphant, that inner squeal has gone and died - now I'm completely empty.

I don't know if this is a part of a grieving process or what, I finally cracked into the book Pastor Frank gave me… Sometimes it helps in distracting me from focusing on everything I've lost and keep losing. Trust, it's so hard and so unbelievably scary… Most days I feel broken beyond repair. I can't find a reason to apply any effort. I have very little to look forward to and zero motivation to be anything but depressed; that comes easy…

Right now, I trust the cable man. I'm desperate for something decent to watch in my bedroom. I don't think he's going to rape or kill me though there's a very small window of hope… I'm tempted to tell him _crack kills _to start up a conversation. If he were cute I'd be secretly snapping photos with my phone and forwarding them to Alice, but today isn't fulfilling either.

I can't move on. I can't see past all of the bullshit and drama, it's suffocating.

I should be picking up the pieces and focusing on healing myself, but I only end up playing the blame game. Starting with all the things I did or didn't do, finding faults in areas I'd never considered. Knocking myself down so often, I forget which way is up. Lately, I don't even feel human. My sails are so damaged from all of the pain and betrayal… I'm getting nowhere, I simply exist.

The other woman is going to have my soon to be ex-husband's child or so she says; he writes to me. He insists he's going to ask for paternity testing - like I should care… Why does he think I would give a fuck? I don't know if it's true and while I tell myself I don't really give a shit, it hurts like a mother fucker. _Keep kicking me when I'm already down… _All of my dreams for my future are blowing in the wind. I'm so fucking bitter about everything, _I'm a miserable cunt_! - There I said it.

Just after 4 pm, Edward calls…

_Bella, _he breathes heavy.

_You should be feeling better, I mean - I hope you are. Why… Why won't you talk to me? Pick up, I know you're there… Okay, maybe you're not home… But please, call me when you get in and get this message. It's Edward._

His message sounds casual enough when I replay it in my head, but his tone on the machine reads urgent_._

"Jealous boyfriend?" Great, now _ass crack _is striking conversation - awkward conversation. I should have offended him sooner.

"No," I reply simply.

"Ex-boyfriend, he can't take a hint?" He smiles wide… _Eww -_ gross, is that chewing tobacco?

"No," I sound like a broken record.

"Are you seeing anyone?" He asks timidly, but his question is so damn forward.

"No, …I'm a lesbian." I nod assertively. _Men suck! _

"Mmm… I see." _What? _Now I'm insulted…

"How much longer?" …_Before you get the fuck out? _I force a smile.

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_When will I stop being so angry?_

_Will I ever be able to trust again?_

_Why is healing so hard? Will my wounds forever weep…_

I never did call Edward back. I was reminded of that fact when he showed up at my door, I should have called…

I fidget and knot my fingers in front of me. I'm afraid to let him any further inside… I'm on a slippery slope; fighting one emotional outburst to the next. He looks concerned and his tone and expression reflect that well.

"I haven't heard from you. I needed to make sure you were okay," he smiles but it fades quickly - and I realize how frigid I must seem in comparison to past visits. I haven't decided if I want to be honest and come clean with what I saw… Admit to him I used the key; like it was something to be ashamed of…. _I should have never accepted his key…_

Forgive him because he is a free man, but a warning would have been nice… _Why oh why do I keep lowering my standards for companionship? Hell, I don't even ask for very much!_

It hurts to look at him. I wanted so desperately for him to be the one… My future is forever crashing at my heels and… _Dear God, why does life have to be so challenging?_

"I've missed you," he leans in and kisses my cheek softly - starting over again. He's trying to stir a tell within me; asking for reciprocation of affections and I don't have it in me to give anymore.

"Did you miss me?" Stepping back he braces himself against the corner of the door… I blink and a fucking tear betrays me and slips from my eye to roll down my cheek.

_._

_._

_._

"I can't do this, not right now," I slowly inch away from the door.

"Bella," he shakes his head softly - confused.

"I'm sorry…" I can barely get the words out, I'm choking up. Edward steps in and wraps his arms around me so fast I don't get the chance to raise a hand between us. The walls come crumbling down faster than I can build them. He won't let me go no matter how much I struggle and I quickly realize how weak I am in comparison; melting into him I sob…

"Whatever it is, it's going to be okay. I promise, I'll help in anyway I can. Let me help you." He tries to comfort me by running a hand over the back of my head, cradling me close… It only makes me sob louder - I try to suck it back.

"Shh… I'm here," he kicks the door closed with his foot.

"You need to leave…" I try to be angry, but instead I continue to come across as a needy emotional basket case…

"Look at you… I'm not going to leave you alone. I can't leave you like this…" he decides.

"Please go…" I plead through the sobs.

"You're going to go back to him?" He steps back like he sees it all so clearly now, his tone bitter…

"No…" The tears keep rolling, falling faster than I can wipe them away. At my response, Edward leans in to help - brushing his thumb gently over my cheek. I fight against the urge to nuzzle against the warmth of his hand…

"I don't want to lose you… Don't make me let you go," he pulls me back into his arms...

_We gather strength from sadness and from pain. _

_Each time we die we learn to live again._

_I'm dying, again._

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**~End Chapter 3 - Two Steps Back…**

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If you made it this far I know you want to stab my eyes out; I do too. BUT I think Bella needs a little character growth. Finding Edward the day she walked away from Jake was too easy… I feel guilty for pulling that crutch out from under her, but it had to be done. I'm sure she'll rise from the ashes again, stronger than before. Roar!

Thank you for the reviews, hate mail, adding me to your favorites, & sharing this story with friends… You can find me on twitter - taintedvile. I tend to get lost in the crowd, but I do release chapter updates there.

Forgive me now?

Now?

How about now?

See you next chapter!


	4. Running In Circles

**Tainted Love**

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**~Chapter 4 - Running In Circles…**

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I woke up and wished that I was dead  
With an aching in my head  
I lay motionless in bed  
I thought of you and where you'd gone  
and let the world spin madly on

And everything that I said I'd do  
Like make the world brand new  
And take the time for you  
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn  
And the world spins madly on

I let the day go by  
I always say goodbye  
I watch the stars from my window sill  
The whole world is moving and I'm standing still

Woke up and wished that I was dead  
With an aching in my head  
I lay motionless in bed  
The night is here and the day is gone  
And the world spins madly on

I thought of you and where you'd gone  
And the world spins madly on  
And the world spins madly on  
And the world spins madly on  
And on  
And on  
(Ryan Woodward - Thought of you)

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When I finally stopped crying long enough to be able to speak in coherent sentences, it was all a big misunderstanding. I know it sounds crazy, I shouldn't believe him - I so desperately want to…but I don't. I don't trust anything anymore, not even myself…

He's going to let me meet her, his ex - his realtor.

_She's the best in the area and I know this sounds bad; but she knows what I like… I don't have the time to look at dozens of houses…_

Yet you had time to have dinner…

_You wouldn't have been an intrusion. _

He insists I should have made my presence known and this little mishap wouldn't have happened. He's not laughing at me, he's taking my concerns seriously and trying to console me.

_I should have told you._

That you were planning on moving…

_My lease is up in a couple of months. Besides, if I'm ever going to convince you to move in, eventually I'd need a bigger closet and a second bathroom… _He seems so sincere even though he's kind of brushing it off in a joking manner - still, I'm looking for a tell that proves he's a deceitful bastard.

I'm still uneasy, my chest is tight and breathing hurts. I decide I'm going to play it cool, at least until I meet her…Why do I want to meet her? So I can torture myself by making comparisons? _That's exactly why…._

Edward claims they only dated a short while; ten months… I guess in Edward time that can't possibly be too many dates. I find myself laughing out loud - because really, this is what I'm in for…

Long sleepless nights wondering what he's doing out there in the night. Is he dead or alive? Sure, he calls frequently and we share the same bed often. We've gone on a small handful of not a dates and shared several meals together… _And this is when the relationship is new… _

When I remove the rose colored glasses… I realize I'm going to spend my days wanting more. It'd be like Jake take two, he'd never love me more than his job… I'd be alone quite often and I can almost guarantee my work schedule wouldn't coincide with his, I'm a day job - sit behind a desk kind of gal…

"I'm going to need more than a house, a lot more…" Edward's eyes light up with intrigue, he adjusts himself on the couch and still manages to appear uncomfortable.

"Okay, so…?" he raises a brow.

"I don't know. I shouldn't even be thinking this far ahead," I admit. _It's the most honest thing I've said all day._

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As soon as he leaves for work, I dial Alice and we come up with several scenarios - okay, we've gone over all of them. Ultimately, we decide we believe him… _for now. _

_I love him; more than my damn snuggie…_

I'll hate Jake for wasting my life and hate Edward for making me fall in love with him all over again. Ultimately I need to figure out who I am, so I can determine what I will and will not settle for. Settling comes so easy when you have little to nothing… It's like fucking second nature with me, I need to get a grip!

The following afternoon we start out at the gym. It's not like I need to lose anymore weight, but Alice insists I'll have more energy… A few business suits come in to work out on their lunch break and it's depressing…

"I need to find a job," I blurt. No ifs ands or buts about it - I NEED a job. _I need a distraction._

"The sky's the limit, you've got a clean slate," Alice smiles. I'm sweating like a pig and she still looks gorgeous… "What have you always wanted to do? What kind of job do you want?"

"An easy one. Something mediocre that I can find fulfilling now and hate later. Retail maybe?" I laugh softly and slap the stop button on the treadmill, I can't take anymore…

"There's a bakery on fifth that's hiring a cake decorator," Alice mentions on our way into the locker room.

"Not mediocre enough," I peel off my sweaty tank top in front of the lockers. "That would require some skill; skills I don't have."

"Oh… Well… Didn't you make that cake for Jake's thirtieth? What about the one from that Super-bowl party?" Alice's nose wrinkles and her brows furrow as she tries to remember every single cake I've ever decorated. "Oh, what about that giant cupcake you made for my twenty fifth birthday? It was fabulous Bella, everyone loved it…"

"Some of those cakes took me days to put together. I used molded cake pans and store bought cake mix and frosting. They're going to want someone who is talented and knows what the hell they're doing. I don't even know how to measure flour properly," I end the discussion and hop into one of the private showers.

We stop in at a local diner for a late lunch. Alice has a salad and I go for the greasy cheeseburger.

"Wasn't today fun?" She can't really be serious?

"My ass still hurts…" I admit that the stationary bikes need more comfortable seats.

"Oh, you'll get used to it." _Just like everything else that sucks in life, right?_

Alice gets a client call and has to run back to the office, she swears she'll see me soon… Looking at my reflection in my water glass, I'm disgusted with how fragile I appear.

I find the little bakery Alice was talking about and stop in to fill out an application. I don't expect to get hired, but figure I need the practice anyway. It feels good to take a step in the right direction. _Moving forward…_

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Edward drops by with dinner and a movie. There's this tension I've created, I'm not even sure if he realizes it exists. I insist he should go home. I have a busy day ahead of me and my thoughts tend to be foggy when he's around. He leaves me with a chaste peck on the lips and a promise to call - it's the only way I can get him off my door.

I reach to bring our glasses to the sink and just as I'm about to step away - there she is; staring back at me. The sound of glass breaking at my feet startles me back to reality and I frantically run around trying to clean up broken glass without cutting myself.

When I finally calm myself, I slowly reach for her card - you know, just in case it decides to jump up and bite me…

It's her. It could have been anyone… But it's fucking her… _or he was_…

_Tanya Denali - Real Estate Agent_

I laugh and laugh, because it's so much better than crying. I realize I'd called her many names, but failed to ever say her real name aloud… Twat-waffle and cunt-whore roll off the tongue nicely. Edward left this card to probably ease my fears, prove his honesty, and… _It could only happen to me. The universe is giving me a big old fuck you and it's time I shout back._

_Blah-blah Realty, where we make all your dreams of owning a home come true… _

Talk about a run on sentence…

_Looking to sell? We offer the power tools to sell your home! We will sell your home or commercial property guaranteed - or we'll buy it; we're always there for you!_

I listen and wait for the message prompt - I have her extension, but that's not what I'm looking to achieve here… I almost give up but eventually find my way into the general voicemail box.

I raise my voice an octave and slur my tone, I call this accent - drunk frat girl… I squeal like I'm on an episode of girls gone wild with a grin plastered on my lips. Must - not - laugh…

_Hi! This is Tanya... OH… MY… GOD! I've got this like GROSS herpes flare up thing going on and it's… really, really, REALLLLLY, so horribly awkward and painful to walk right now. I can't say I'll be able to make it into the office. _

I don't know if I did her tone of voice any justice. She sort of sounded like that on the recorder when she was trying to woo my husband into pulling over at the nearest rest stop… _I'm not even sure I hate her for that anymore. _

Immediately I begin to feel guilty and consider the consequences of my actions. Did I block my number? I think so… I mean, I wouldn't have even given her a second thought if her business card didn't fall into my lap. I'm so close to throwing it away, but I can't. _I can't let go… _I hide it under the keyboard on my computer desk…

Sleep doesn't come easy… Ten months seems so long now. What did he see in her for ten months? _What if I'm not even worth that much? _I'm sickened by the mere thought of them sharing any type of affections and I find myself throwing up before the sun rises.

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Just after seven I'm standing before my bathroom mirror curling my hair, applying make-up to cover the dark circles under my eyes, and carefully selecting a perfume to wear - something sweet but soft and subtle. I print off copies of my resume and enjoy a cup of coffee in my underwear and an open robe. I haven't decided which dress or suit would be most appropriate for interviews - but I have a wide selection of office dress that's going to waste on their hangers.

By nine my hair is tastefully pulled up into a twist. I decide on a gray tweed skirt with a matching jacket and layer it over a white blouse with a rounded collar. I wear tiny silver stud earrings, my silver watch, and a pair of low black heels to finish off the ensemble. When I look at myself in the mirror, I almost recognize myself… _Fake it until you make it…_

Nine-thirty and I'm seated next to Jake in Pastor Frank's office. I figure we'll be discussing his affair again, mainly the fact that the other woman could be carrying his child…

To my surprise…

"I think we should talk about my wife's indiscretions through-out our marriage. I had a feeling and I even accused, but to this day she still denies it!" I smile, if only because I can evoke the same type of anger he creates within me.

"Calm down. Nothing gets sorted unless done rationally and with careful consideration," Pastor Frank reminds him. I remain smug, I can't help myself. For a second I had a small glimpse that maybe just maybe he finally gets it…

"Isabella…" Pastor Frank addresses me and I give him my full attention.

"It's not a professional relationship, he calls her Bella. So don't let her feed you any line of bull…" Jake interrupts. I'm intrigued, I have no idea what he is going on about. Absolutely none. He'd never accused me of inappropriate behavior until I'd had him served with the divorce papers.

"I don't know what he's talking about," I admit.

"See? How are we supposed to work on our relationship when she can't be honest?" I can't help but stifle a laugh…

"Never - not once did I ever give him any false hope to think that I wanted to work anything out with him," I carefully note. I know I'm here - marriage counseling and all, but I'm pretty sure I made it perfectly clear that a reconciliation wasn't in the cards.

"She's so unbelievably difficult!" He throws his hands up… _Unbelievably eh? It amuses me that Jake doesn't see his actions as unforgivable…_

"Nothing is going to get resolved unless you let me talk," Pastor Frank sternly stares down dick-wad…

"Isabella, you don't recall what your husband is talking about?" _Do we have to keep referring to him as my husband… Still?_

"No," I shake my head. Jake is about to start, but Pastor Frank silences him with a waggling finger… _Haha!_

"Where are these accusations coming from? Wait… Think before you speak, do so intelligently without hyperbole." Intelligently and hyperbole in the same sentence almost has me giggling. I don't think Jake knows what either mean…

"A confidant has told me that she's been seeing an old boyfriend. He's some loser from high school and I question her stability entirely." He tries to sound intelligent, but the whine in his tone makes him sound so stupid…

"Ask him who his confidant is?" _It's *ding-ding* the other woman, they're still in communication because she may be pregnant with his child! _I'm doing so well today. On the outside I appear cool, calm, and collected - it's driving Jake insane as usual.

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I deny that Edward is anything more than a friend. He denies that he still talks to Tanya; she calls him! He's just the dumb-ass that keeps taking her calls. I mean, he doesn't say that exactly… But once you break down the bullshit he spews, after being lead round and round in circles - that's basically all he's telling.

Pastor Frank is beside himself… _I know, how could a man be this stupid? _I see the gravest of sympathy when he meets my gaze.

"That changes everything, doesn't it?" Pastor Frank leans back in his chair, removes his glasses, and runs a hand over his face.

"Oh, it will. It's going to change his life completely if he actually accepts responsibility for his actions. He wants to rug sweep this potential child just like everything else," I blurt.

"It's not mine!" Jake shouts, then quickly shifts and breaks down into sobs… " It can't be…" _Yours? You can't be a father? We already know you make a shitty husband…_

"Honestly, either way - it doesn't matter. I've decided, it's over," I shrug.

We leave the office with individual appointments for our next sessions, Jake isn't pleased at all. I refuse to postpone the divorce until Jake figures out paternity - that's his problem. _I'm done helping him with his problems…_

"You're still my wife," he reminds me on our way out. "I'm going to hire a private detective to prove…"

"To prove what? That I get along just fine without you. And if you're going to spy on someone, you don't tell them bonehead…" I laugh…

"Fine, I won't!" He huffs…. _What a fucking moron… _

"Did you ask your girlfriend what she was doing over at her ex-boyfriends house? Yeah, I figured she'd tell you he was just a client… Maybe you should hire a detective to follow her around, I'm sure she leads a much more fulfilling life if you get my drift…" By the time I'm buckled in, he looks a little green around the collar. I'm tempted to ask him; how does it feel? Instead, I drive away…

I find a little light at the end of the tunnel after all - _Edward obviously mentioned me to her at some point during their dinner and the crazy bitch ran with it… I'm impressed at the lengths this woman will go to; just to steal my sad life… What a sociopath…_

_._

_._

_._

I drop off a few resumes and make it home in time for a late lunch… I call Edward, as promised. His voice is friendly and upbeat, it makes me smile. I insist we need to talk and hopefully we can meet for dinner. I don't know what his schedule is like, but after a moment of being flustered he makes it sound like it won't be a problem.

Edward shows up just after seven and we spend a moment laughing at how we sort of match. I'm barefoot in a pair of worn blue jeans and a black lace edged camisole. Edward obviously stopped home to get cleaned up after his shift, he's wearing dark wash jeans and a black t-shirt… I let him in and take a nice long whiff as he passes by. I don't know if it's his soap, aftershave, a cologne - or a divine mix that leaves him smelling so heavenly… _It's the little things that make it so hard to kick him out of bed…_

On tonight's menu; beer and pizza.

Edward seems anxious to get the conversation started… "You said we needed to talk?"

"Yes," I take a deep breath…

"Jake has been screwing your real estate agent. She claims she's pregnant with his child… I'm not sure what you told her about me, but she ran to him with it. He's making threats of hiring a private detective to prove that we're more than just friends." I lay it all out on the table in two quick even breaths. I feel relieved to get it all out until I watch Edward's jaw slacken as he tries to piece together everything I've just told him.

"Tanya? Tanya Denali?" He asks, I guess to be certain…

"The very same," I nod.

"She's pregnant?" He looks so… surprised, shocked… I want to scream - well she is a whore!

"That's what she's claiming… It's not yours, is it?" His reaction leaves me unsettled…

"No, no - not possible," Edward takes a deep breath.

"What?" He's giving me this wild stare… "Do you really think that little of me?"

"I don't know, you're a man… It's hard for me to trust anyone right now, especially men."

"Playing it smart," he spouts.

"I guess," I shrug…

"I can't say I blame you," he drums his fingers softly on the counter

"I wish it were different…" Wishing and hoping for a lot of things that never come to fruition.

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Edward reluctantly agrees to play it cool, think smart… I figure Jake couldn't afford a private investigator for very long with all of his accumulating lawyer fees anyway… I have nothing to hide.

Alice drops by after work unexpectedly. She asks a lot of questions and paired with her touchy feely personality, I watch her handle him like he's a piece of meat. Constantly rubbing his arms with every reply, I'd seen her do it a hundred times over to anyone and everyone… It bothered me a little… I couldn't tell if I was triggering solely because it was Edward - would I be this… jealous? If it were anyone else…

Just as I'm about to step in and interrupt this twenty minute interrogation, Edward excuses himself. Without call or page, he suddenly needs to run back to the office… He leans forward like he's going to kiss me, tenses and freezes, then turns out the door without so much as a call you later…

"Damn, he's fine… I see the attraction. I do, I do…" Alice gushes, the minute I close the door.

"We could have gawked at him a little longer if you didn't scare him off," I note without hiding my irritation...

"I'm sorry, was I interrupting?"

"No, he wasn't going to show me his cock and balls," we laugh at my crude remark. I'd reach to offer her a beer, but she's already happily sipping down Edward's leftovers.

"Sooo?" She reaches for a slice of the untouched pizza.

"His real estate agent is; dum-da-da-dum - the whore Jake was fucking."

"You laid her ass out?"

"Am I calling you from jail?" I shake my head softly…

"Smart thinking… Don't do anything stupid," she nods.

"Too late. I already called her work and said she had herpes or gonorrhea or something. I forget which… Like it even matters…" _I can't believe I let this skank rent so much space inside my head..._ I reach for a slice of pizza and drop it on my plate.

"Sounds like fun," she grins.

"Edward dated her for ten months…"

"Eww…" Yuck, I know…

"Would you still bang him?" I ask, more so curious.

"Use protection… But really? He dated her?" _I know, it's still hard for me to believe…_

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I manage to shoo Alice out after giving her every miniscule detail of the circus which has become my life. The tragedy has definitely shifted into becoming a comedy… She mentions dating and the word alone is daunting enough. I'm not ready. She's thrilled that I applied at the bakery she mentioned. She doesn't seem too inspired when I mention the boutique or call center I applied for, especially once she hears I won't be getting any discounts. The only perk - free coffee.

I clean up and settle into bed. I should be sleeping, but I'm waiting on Edward's call, if he calls. It's something to look forward to when living life one minute to the next. Flipping through the channels - there's over eight hundred of them… Lots of reality tv, not many good movies, and eventually I settle on watching the food network.

Craziest cakes competition - and I find myself inspired enough to believe that maybe one day I could do that. It would take a lot of patience and learning new techniques, but someday…

I ignore the sirens until I realize they're not just passing through. Police lights reflect and dance along the walls of my bedroom… I really need to buy some fucking blinds…

The loud bang at my door that follows scares the shit out of me…

"Just a minute…" I call down the hall before running into the bathroom to fetch my robe. I peer through the peep hole; trust no-one. Edward is rocking on his heels in full uniform, he's even wearing his cap…

"You scared me…" I yell through the door, unbolting not one but three locks before successfully opening the door. "Why all the lights, the siren?"

"There's a baby blue four door Oldsmobile on the corner." I gaze to the heavens trying to figure out what the hell he's talking about…

"Yeah?"

"It's a private detective," he notes.

"You could have called…" _Instead you scare the bejesus out of me! _

"But then I couldn't do this…" When he collects my face gently in his palms I already know what's coming and I can't help but smile… Soft and sweet, too intimate for words - his kisses are simply divine. I close my eyes to savor the tender moment and find myself weak in the knees, my yearning body crashes toward him in want for something more. Never before has a man made me melt, he makes me melt!

He stands me upright and steps back with a soft laugh, it's a little awkward but I'm all smiles. I feel like a girl again; a girl in love…

"And I was worried you weren't going to call," he laughs at my admittance.

"I'm still going to call," he brushes his lips against mine softly - knowing exactly what he's doing. "Maybe I should call in. I don't feel comfortable leaving you knowing there's someone out there watching you."

"Watching me? Edward I'm a few stories up. The only thing they'll have to report is the number of cracks in my ceiling. I'll be fine," I nod.

"I'm still going to check their credentials…"

"You do that," I smile.

"I see what you're trying to do…"

"Hm? What's that?" I ask.

"Alice dropping by… You can't stand to be alone with me. Just so you know, you're not getting rid of me that easy.." I laugh…

"Is there a detective outside my building wondering what the hell is going on? Yes. Am I still married? Yes. Do I like you? More than I should… I've never been anything but honest with you and I thought we both agreed we need to put a little space between us." Edward winces at my admittance, but still manages to goose me on the way out. What a guy…

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The sun rises just like every other morning… Again, I roll over and bury my head under my blanket; reminded by those bright glaring rays once more - to add curtains to the shopping list. One of these days…

Eventually I drag my ass out of bed to face the day. I stare down below from my bedroom window to find the blue Oldsmobile is still parked outside. Just as I'm about to assume it was all a fluke, _must be another tenant or their visitor_… I spot Edward's personal unmarked vehicle parked kitty-corner.

The phone rings; I expect it to be Edward, but it's Alice. I refuse to hit the gym, especially this early in the morning. She's feigns surprise and starts digging for dirt when I mention Edward stopped by again. We discuss my current situation and Alice is very worried, more so than I. I let her know Edward's outside keeping an eye on things, which eases some of her concerns.

We end the conversation laughing about why I'm in such a pickle. Why must we always want what we can't have? Jake won't leave me alone. Tanya is going to harass me at every opportunity until she has Jake. Edward was more intriguing when he was playing hard to get; now that I'm pushing him away he's striking back harder than ever… On some level he seems a little desperate… Desperate people drive me crazy… Which is quite amusing considering I'm lumped in right along with them. Each day it's getting a little easier, a little better - or so I keep telling myself. _Deep down, especially at night when it's dark and I'm alone - it feels like the biggest crock of shit…_

Immediately after I hang up with Alice, I dial Edward.

"Hey, everything okay?" He sounds exhausted.

"You sound tired," I comment.

"Yeah, it's been a long night… What are your plans for today?"

"How long have you been waiting out there? I see you," which rises a chuckle out of him.

"Shh… don't blow my cover," he teases - entirely amused.

We create a plan to share breakfast together. I park my car in the Burger King parking lot, enter the restaurant, walk past the counter, and head out the other entrance where Edward is parked and waiting. We then hit up the local Starbucks for coffee and these giant awesome blueberry muffins.

I've never had to be dangerously deceptive… Surprisingly, I'm not all too worried about the private detective catching up with Edward and I. I have nothing to hide and truthfully we're nothing more than good friends; his detective couldn't prove otherwise. Though there is definitely an added amount of thrill in sneaking around to meet up. There isn't a whole lot of talking at breakfast, but we're all smiles… Knowing that private detective is probably camped outside the Burger King waiting for my return.

"Come home and take a nap with me, I'll drop you off to pick up your car later…" He waggles his eyebrows at me, he must think he's pretty darn alluring.

"That does nothing for me," I lie.

"You'd prefer a wink? I can make winky faces too," he laughs softly and offers me a wink.

"You certainly know how to charm the pants off a gal, but I have counseling in a couple of hours." I hate to burst his bubble, but I have to.

"I sure hope not, I'd hate to have to arrest you for public indecency - though it'd definitely get you out of going to counseling."

"I can't make excuses, I need to get it over and done with."

"I'm sure God would understand that I need you more."

"It's not a religious thing…" I laugh.

"Oh, but it could certainly be heavenly - with me, that is."

"You're bad…" I playfully scold.

"When I'm tired, I tend to lose my filter on what is or isn't appropriate discussion.… So, what color are your panties today?"

"Whatever color you want them to be," I offer him a winky face of my own.

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"I miss you," he groans. "I feel like the fact that I dated Tanya has put a wedge between us. Tell me what I have to do to remove it?"

"I don't know… How come it didn't work out with you two?" I decide to interrogate and hope his answers offer some semblance of peace.

"I had given so much and settled for so little in return. I don't want to bad mouth anyone, but she was kind of a nag," he laughs softly.

"Do tell," I pipe up and he starts laughing.

"I don't claim to be the most mature person, but there comes a time in life where you realize the difference between what's petty and what's worth fighting for. Long term, she certainly wasn't worth fighting for…"

"Quit being so damn elusive," I prod.

"I treated her like a queen until I found out I was the court jester and not the king."

"Edward…"

"She was pushing for a commitment not long before I found out she was having an affair. There, happy?"

"Oh my God, she cheated on you too?"

"Yes."

"You should have told me."

"Bella, you know what it's like. You tell someone that and at first they offer sympathy, but eventually it all boils down to what was their role. My role was that I worked too often and while I couldn't see a forever with her, I didn't have much time to go looking for someone else. When she was quiet, she made perfect company," he laughs softly.

"Isn't that what they all say?" I sarcastically reply, hardly amused.

"I never stopped comparing her to you, better?"

"What?"

"That's why she knows so much about you. She was never the one that got away, you were. I didn't even get a chance to confront her, she dropped by to dump me and for the first time in a long time things were back to being simple. Honestly, I was relieved. She doesn't even know I knew. It's kind of ironic she was pushing for a commitment only to end up screwing around with a married man."

"So you knew she was screwing around with Jake?" I try to keep my tone level, but fail when I realize others around us are staring…

"I knew she was screwing around with someone, I honestly never invested too much into it. Like I said, I admit my role in the failing of that relationship."

"Well, I didn't have a role… They didn't have to cheat. I can't believe you hired her…"

"Knowing what I know now, I can't believe it either. It was easier when he was just a faceless schmuck who rescued me from a volatile relationship and not the guy who's putting you through hell. I swear it was a strategic business move on my part, nothing more."

"Yeah…" I'd heard it all before, at least he keeps his stories straight.

"Losing her was nothing compared to losing you. I was over it the minute she said it was over. Try as you might to deepen this wedge, I'm not going anywhere without a restraining order," he teases.

"Very funny…ha-ha!"

"Well you know what they say; a restraining order is just another way of saying I love you."

"Uh huh…" I snicker softly.

"It's a proven fact. Most couples end up getting back together before the restraining order expires," he nods.

"So you're afraid of commitment, but I can't get you off my tail," I offer another winky face…

"I never said that. The right person, the right time, anything goes."

"Anything?"

"Anything… well, almost anything." I'm not sure I want to know, but I can't help but smile.

"I'm still not making any promises… Though you do make me smile and laugh until my face hurts. But, it probably wouldn't hurt so much if I did it more often, kind of like working out," we share a laugh.

"Ditto, except for the working out part - but, I could help you with that if you'd like," he offers up another wink… I'm starting to think he enjoys torturing me. Filling my head with visions of him in a barely there sheet; not that he'd actually put his money where his mouth is_. Flirting, I think that's what this is called…_

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The blue Oldsmobile is gone by the time Edward drops me off in the drive-thru of the parking lot, but manages to catch up with me in the church parking lot… The fact some stranger knows my schedule and is following me around has become a little stressing. There's an icky feeling in the pit of my stomach that comes with the territory of being stalked… I briskly enter the church without even taking a second glance behind me.

I express my deepest concerns and worries to Pastor Frank. I don't know how far Jake is willing to go, I never thought he'd actually go this far… He's always been all talk, no action. It's so out of character for him, I'm concerned about his mental health if only for my own well being.

He doesn't offer much legal advice other than I should push for an annulment if I ever wish to be married in a Catholic church again. That's his recommendation and offer, that he'll help with the final steps of nullification within the church if I can get an annulment. He hands me printed documents summarizing our brief marital counseling sessions to present to my lawyer and paperwork to release him… - _I think Pastor Frank just fired us?_

I inquire before signing, I'm afraid to sign anything at this point. Basically he's releasing himself from being our marital counselor but should I seek private counsel his door is always open… Along with a bunch of other religious hoopla, about how now is the time to get closer than ever to God, listen to him. I never was very religious, except when mom or gram made me go to church on Sunday… A few holidays simply because it had always been tradition…. I thank him for his offer and who knows, I might come back…

Right now I'm over the moon at this small win. It feels so much bigger than it is. I'm still married to a douche canoe, but even the church finds him a mentally unstable fraud…

I consider waking Edward up to celebrate, but decide it best to let him sleep… Since it really isn't all that big of a deal to anyone but me. Finally someone else that agrees and sees things through my eyes, I thought it would never happen….

Apparently neither did Jake. Pissed doesn't even begin to describe the list of long rambling offensive slurs that end up in my inbox. His spelling is awful and he calls me every name in the book, some I couldn't even make much sense of. I didn't reach the point of anger nor hilarity while I read each and every offensive word. I'd almost wished he'd sent this message sooner, its been by far the worst… Showing all of his cards in print, on paper - for anyone I wished to share it with. This right here, is who he is - ugly all the way down to the core. I mostly feel stupid for ignoring instead of recognizing it sooner. My second win of the day doesn't feel so much like a win, but more of a sad reminder…

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**~End Chapter 4 - Running In Circles…**

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Thank you for sharing your stories of heartbreak and heartache with me. It's never easy, but we're definitely stronger and wiser when all is said and done. I appreciate your input and value your time. Again; thank you for sticking it out with me. Much love to all of my friends that live inside of my computer, oh how I've missed you so... *smooches*


	5. DIVORCE

**Tainted Love**

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**~Chapter 5 - D-I-V-O-R-C-E**

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My song is love  
Love to the loveless shown  
And it goes on  
You don't have to be alone  
Your heavy heart  
Is made of stone  
And it's so hard to see you clearly  
You don't have to be on your own  
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back  
And I'm not gonna say, "I don't mean that"  
You're the target that I'm aiming at  
Got to get that message home

My song is love  
My song is love, unknown  
But I'm on fire for you, clearly  
You don't have to be alone  
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back  
And I'm not gonna say, "I don't mean that"  
You're the target that I'm aiming at  
And I'm nothing on my own  
Got to get that message home

And I'm not gonna stand and wait  
Not gonna leave it until it's much too late  
On a platform I'm gonna stand and say  
That I'm nothing on my own  
And I love you, please come home

My song is love, is love unknown  
And I've got to get that message home  
(Coldplay - A message)

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I arrive at the Blue Lounge with Alice just after seven, decked out in borrowed garments from head to toe… I even let her do my hair and make-up while we nearly polished off a bottle of wine.

Even with a few glasses of wine under my belt, I can still feel an awkward tension when I meet up with my friends. Some I hadn't seen nor heard from since they helped me move into my apartment. I couldn't blame them - If anything I was quickly reminded what a shitty friend I had been to Angela. Of course I was always there when she needed me, otherwise I didn't really know what to say.

Bottom line - it's embarrassing… No matter how you slice it - it's fucking awkward. What do you say? What don't you say? You'd think they'd have a hand book for this sort of thing. How to handle an affair with kid gloves for dummies 101... Especially since they seem to run rampant…

I fake my best smile, knowing that Alice has probably been keeping them up to date. Tonight was about having fun and thus far it wasn't really happening for me. My feet were already aching and I'd only walked from my apartment to the cab and then from the cab inside the club. My skirt kept riding up and the cute tank top Alice let me borrow with a few dark sequins was slowly scratching my arm pits raw.

The club was everything the sign said it would be, blue. Black floors and lots of electric blue - even the lighting was horrible. Immediately I felt stupid for going through all of the effort to sit in a dimly lit smoke screen… Who am I trying to impress anyway? I remember, Alice said it would be fun…

When Alice offered to buy everyone a round, I leapt at the opportunity. I needed a drink… What the hell was taking her so long? I tried to make small talk - but in the back of my mind there was this tiny voice that kept reminding me I didn't belong. Not in a club, not out on the prowl for a man in a skirt so tiny - it would have my grandmother rolling around in her grave…

_If you want others to respect you, you have to respect yourself first… - _I know Gram…

Alice hands me a drink and I drink from the straw until it starts making that empty slurping sound, the girls find it amusing. I'm not even sure what it was… Aside from a few ice cubes - only a wedge of fruit remains on the side of the glass. In this lighting I can't begin to decipher if it's a lemon or an orange. At this point I don't care. I start looking around to see where my next drink is coming from…

We start man bashing once we start doing shots. From gold tequila to another tequila that looks and tastes like a strawberry milkshake. Supposedly this bar has nearly every tequila on the market and we're slowly working our way down the line. Eventually the topic shifts to Jake and maybe I'm a shitty friend, but I don't want to talk about him. I don't want them to bash him, nor mention his name - I just want them to play along and pretend like that chapter in my life never ever happened.

The tequila keeps coming, but the conversation fades quickly… It's like they're afraid to boast and share the good in their lives while mine is full of shit; afraid to say anything really for fear that the words won't come out right. The girls try to lure me out on the dance floor, but I'm not having any of it. Instead I kick off my heels under the table and proceed to reach around the table finishing off their shots while they're away.

Did I mention I never really cared much for hard liquor? You'd never guess with the amount of shot glasses crowding my space…

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I feel a small tap at my shoulder and then another, I finally shift in my chair to see who the hell is poking at me…

"Edward!" I can't deny that my eyes light up as his name flies off my tongue too fast to come out slurred. He's wearing a black button down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and matching black slacks… I almost purr when I get a whiff of his aftershave as a waitress whips by our table to grab empty glasses.

The alcohol keeps fluttering to my head and I'm warm all over. I manage to avoid the compelling temptation to lick him… I quickly realize my morals and balance are fleeting out the window, all I can do is helplessly giggle.

He folds his arms over his chest… The waitress moves on to the next table. Still, he says nothing.

"What?" I ask, more giggles escape.

"I'm waiting," he nods and does that thing with his eyebrows. Then he does the winky face and I realize he's trying to be cute which only makes me even more giggly.

"For what?" He might want to tell me because otherwise it could take me a long while to catch on… More giggles flutter from my lips, I'm so happy he's here, I don't care about the why or when or whatever… I'm drunk and Edward's here! Now, it's almost fun…

"For you to pick me up. Isn't that why single people go to bars?"

"I don't know, I'm not single yet. But I suppose I better pick you up before someone else does…" I wave my hand and gesture to the seat Alice was sitting in.

"You're here with friends?"

"Yes, coming to drink alone would be desperate," I nod. "They ditched me to go hit the dance floor." My slurred tone isn't cute or attractive at all. I think I sound kind of butch…

"Why aren't you out there dancing with them?"

"I don't really feel like dancing," I shake my head… "Quit asking so many damn questions," I smile. "It's my turn…"

"Shouldn't you be at work, or sleeping, or doing something that isn't me?" His jaw drops and I think I might have crossed a line, he's speechless…

"Actually, I was hoping to surprise you and take you out for dinner… But, I caught you right as you were leaving your apartment - so, I followed you… Then I sat in the car for about an hour wondering if it would be too awkward to drop in and admit just that. Too awkward?"

"No, I'm glad you're here." Suddenly my eyes feel like they're going to betray me… I'm a fucking sap. I turn away and try to blow some air up into my eyes to dry them, but that only makes it worse…

"You want to get out of here?" He always knows just what I need…. Damn.

I wave down Alice and tell her I'm going to go. She tries to get us to stay and have another drink, probably so she can ogle Edward… He thinks I've had a few too many already and politely declines before he starts leading me out. He must think I have shitty friends…

I wobble out onto the sidewalk, the cool night air is refreshing and I feel like I can breathe again - I feel like I'm teetering toward sober, but that lasts all of two minutes. I kick off the borrowed heels again and reach down to grab them, but Edward gets there first and I almost fall over from making the attempt… "They're reallllly not bad friends…" I defend them, my speech sounding less coherent with every reply. Edward is being a really good sport. He's all smiles and even laughs now and then while he fights to load me into the passenger seat of his car. I have no sense of direction at all, I think I'm climbing in - he says I'm going the wrong way… I stop to try to make sense of who's right and who's wrong because us women are always right... I may be drunk, but… Aw hell, I'm really drunk. I can't even remember a time I drank this much…

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After I stumble and fall a few times on the way up the steps, I give in when Edward tries to pick me up again. "You didn't have to," I mutter wearing a dazed smile…

"Oh, it's quite all right," he offers up a sympathetic smile and I begin to wonder if I've ruined everything…

"Thanks…" He puts me down at the door and my balance seems way off, worse than before. I hang onto the molding encasing the door and watch as he tries to find my keys inside my purse… "They're in there somewhere…" I slur.

Thank God he finds them, because I'm sooo close to giving up and just sitting outside the door. My body is made of jello and all of my muscles are broken. "I'm broken…" I absentmindedly whimper and Edward laughs softly. It doesn't seem to distract his progress, within seconds he pushes the door open and steps aside so I can crawl in first…

He wraps his hands about my waist and helps usher me inside, so I don't have to literally crawl in. I scratch my head once inside because it suddenly dawns on me, that I'm really home… Seconds later I start stripping. There's nothing sexy about the way I struggle to fight my way out of the borrowed itchy, scratchy tank top…

"Bella," his tone is interrogating. _What am I doing? Getting comfortable… I'm home… _Alcohol doesn't have a modesty level, at this point I'd let him help me go pee or hold my hair if I felt the need to puke… Thus far, thankfully we're still at a red light on the puking. I feel like I could fly; if only I had the energy or coordination… I should have had something to eat before I went out, alcohol keeps flooding my head.

"Edward," I giggle… Escaping from my tank top cocoon, I discard it where ever it should happen to fall once I get it untangled from my fingers…

"Let's get you into bed…" he shakes his head softly.

"Are you going to stay with me?" I sound desperate…

"I don't know… You've got trouble written all over you…" he laughs softly and continues to shake his head as he leads me down the hall to my bedroom. He tosses my heels in front of my closet door.

"Where? Who'd write such a thing about me?" I ask in wonder, giggling…

"Did you have fun?" He asks, unzipping my skirt for me. The warmth of his hand at the small of my back leaves me panting for air…

"Not yet," I purr… He laughs, not taking me seriously for a second. I realize it's hard to be sexy and alluring when you're this sloshed… Still I try, shimmying my hips until the skirt falls to the floor beside my bed.

I shift to sit on the edge of the bed before I do something clumsy like fall over while just trying to stand. Edward stands nearby unmoved - staring… "I'll have to surprise you with dinner again - some other time…" he notes softly with a small nod.

"I'd like that," I smile… It's my lucky night - there's two of him!

"I should go. Call you in the morning?" He offers… Three of him… No - no four!

"I don't want you to go," I whimper. "You just got here…" Five Edwards with their faces all making the same expression, spinning around up close and personal…

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Tangled in sheets, my eye lids raise to stare at the clock; four-twenty-three… That's when it hits me. I stumble out of bed and fall to the floor with a thud before dusting myself off quickly for a jog of shame toward the bathroom. Lifting the toilet seat, I pray to the porcelain God for some relief as I expel the contents of my stomach - tequila binge. It went down a lot smoother than it's coming up - my nostrils burn and my eyes water uncontrollably.

Three flushes and I think I'm done, I hope it's over… I run the faucet at the sink and wash my face. Reaching for my toothbrush, I catch my reflection in the mirror and realize I'm wearing Edward's button down dress shirt…

_He stayed…_

With the toothbrush still dangling from my mouth, I sneak out into the hall and peer into my bedroom with only the light from the bathroom illuminating… I spot his shoes and pants on the floor_. Is he naked? I can't tell… _

I have zero recollection of anything that happened after I asked him to stay. He was adamant on leaving, why didn't he leave? _What the fuck happened… _

I rinse my mouth and clean my toothbrush - I almost climb back into bed but it's sooo awkward. I'm a little relieved I woke up before he did… It makes it easier to pretend nothing happened if anything did happen… _Did anything happen? _

I find my discarded tank top on the floor at the end of the hall - _okay, that really happened… _I try not to dwell on what a terrible drunk I make and avoid it by turning on the tv in the living room. I wrap myself up comfortably in my snuggie to camp on the couch_. I love my snuggie…_

I have no concept of time, but wake to Edward softly patting my head from his standing position behind the couch… "Morning," he coaxes in a gingerly tone. I try to hide under my snuggie, but Edward isn't having it… "Take a shower and grab some breakfast, it'll make you feel better…"

"Moping on the couch works too," I groan - not losing my grip on the snuggie in this small tug of war we're having.

"Come on sleepy head, it's after one…" Words that set me into panic mode.

"Holy fuck, are you serious?" I leap from the couch in a fright…

"Is there somewhere you have to be?"

"Oh my God, I have to be at my lawyers office at two!" There isn't even time for me to shower. I tear away Edwards shirt and conveniently throw it at him, then rummage through my drawers and start throwing clothes on…

He says nothing, but the smirk on his face gets me all riled up and my brain shifts into overdrive - perhaps reading too much into it. The hickey prominently displayed at his collarbone doesn't help…

"I'm sorry," I sort of point to the angry mark and shake my head. _Dear God, what have I done? _Then move along like I don't have time, because really I don't.

"It'll fade," he promises. Edward sits on the edge of my messy bed and starts putting on his shoes while I continue to run in and out like a chicken with its head cut off. Dressed - check, brushed my hair - check, brushed my teeth - check… I grab my deodorant and stick it up my shirt, running it up and down my armpits a few times before grabbing my watch.

I throw on my coat and grab my purse… I run out and almost lock him inside the apartment. When I open the door, he's standing on the other side wearing a shit eating grin…

"I guess I'll call you later," Edward laughs at my expense…

"That's fine," I mutter… He seems to walk in slow motion, I wave my arm - noting haste… _Move it, buddy…_

I lock the door, give him a peck on the cheek and run down the stairs…

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For the first time since this whole process began, I'm late… But not too late, they're still waiting for me…

"I'm sorry, I got stuck in traffic…" I lie through my teeth. They nod and seem approving of my excuse…

"We were just about to start discussing finances…" My lawyer brings me up to speed as I throw my coat onto the back of a chair at the conference table.

"Great," I nod… I seat myself and notice all eyes are still on me. I try not to feel self-conscience about my appearance, but I know I'm not nearly as put together as I have been in past meetings. Jake is dressed nice, in his typical office attire. I immediately assume he had to leave work early to make the meeting…

I expect him to stare me down with hatred, but today he seems indifferent - there's no reflection of the nasty gram he sent.

The lawyers talk and go back and forth over their paperwork… I stare out the window disinterested, daydreaming about being back at home in my bed - alone. I can smell the tequila bleeding out of my pores and wonder if everyone else can smell it too…

"We need you to sign…" When the paperwork hits my arm, I'm confused…

"What? I'm sorry…" I shake my head and try to make sense of what just occurred…

"You're signing off on the house, this will remove your name from the deed."

"Oh, I thought we were going to hold off on that until everything else was settled? I'm not going to sign off on the house until…"

"He's signed the papers, we just need you to sign off on this and a few other documents and then you'll be a free woman once the court signs off on them," my lawyer smiles… I'm really confused… _Wait! He signed? Just like that? _It takes me a few moments to process everything before I pick up the pen and start signing in all the places my lawyer directs me to.

Jake gets the house and the second mortgage, which is what I expected and anticipated… There's no alimony on either end as they've honored that request and truthfully it wouldn't be much if there were. Jake is paying all of the lawyer fees and filing fees associated with our divorce which is what really throws me through a loop… I can expect a refund check from my lawyers office for my consult and deposit once they receive the payment from Jake. He insists this will all happen next week…

When we finish, our lawyers shake hands and start making friendly banter about their upcoming cases. Cases more interesting than our divorce… Jake excuses himself and his lawyers crack a couple of jokes about how accounting will be in touch with him… I throw on my jacket and follow suit, leaving the office a few minutes after.

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I ride the elevator down in silence… Everything I wanted to achieve and then some has been accomplished, however after last night I'm not in the mood to do a happy dance - but riddled with an immense amount of guilt and a killer headache. _Why? Why did he do it? _I knew eventually he'd have to give up the charade, this fight - I just never expected it to come so soon. He could have dragged it out weeks, if not months…

I step outside of the office and spot Jake walking down the sidewalk toward the parking garage… I follow slowly behind him. We enter the parking garage, keeping the same pace. His car is parked closer to the entrance. While I was in too much of a hurry to notice it on my way in, I can see it clearly now… The damage I inflicted still remains.

"Thank you," I stop at the front corner of his car while he pulls open his door.

"I'm sorry too," he exhales heavy.

"I didn't say I was sorry," I smile.

"Yeah, I know you didn't…" he laughs softly - leaning onto his open door. "Do you still mean what you said?"

"About?" I'm almost afraid to ask… _Too late_.

"Never seeing me again," he notes. Ah, so he was listening…

"I don't know, I mean… It makes things simpler, easier. Doesn't it? You know, clean break and all…" I nod softly, chewing on my bottom lip.

"I know I fucked up. I just never realized how horribly until recently. You should be nominated for sainthood." he remarks.

"I don't know about that…" Especially after last night. What was I thinking? I wasn't thinking…

"Yeah, well - I've never been known to make things easy. I'd like to think that today I displayed a new ability to compromise," he shakes his head and flashes the beginnings of a smile.

"I wish you the best…" I'm not going back, it's too late. If he thought signing those papers would win him some brownie points, he's right. Just enough for me to not stare him down with complete hatred…

"You know what they say about not realizing what you have until it's gone… I doubt I'll find better, but I guess I'll have to try…"

"You've already got the advantage, you started trying long before I did," I note.

"I know, I know… Let's just say that one day I'm hoping it gets easier for us both. You have my number."

"I'm not going to call…" I keep it honest, something he's never been.

"If you ever need a friend, dinner, drinks, anything… Just know that you can, call me," his tone rings sincere. However, I can't help but feel like it would benefit him more than myself. Strings attached and all that jazz, it's always about him…

"Alright," I nod and shrug it off.

"Well, I better get back to the office. The double mortgage won't pay itself…" he grimaces.

"Goodbye, take care…"

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I sit in my car and pinch myself, hard. The past twenty four hours has felt like a wild and crazy dream. After a few minutes I throw the car in reverse and start on my way home…

The first thing I do when I enter my apartment is look for evidence to piece together what happened last night. I start with the garbage can in my bedroom, no condom or condom wrappers - same scenario in the bathroom… I shake out my bed linens and feel around for any stiffness in the fabric. Everything appears clean and I throw myself into the sheets and breathe a sigh of relief. Only to spot a towel on the floor… I lean over and reach for it and am relieved it's still damp; damp all over - as in this was probably the towel Edward used to shower this morning. You know, since he wasn't hung over…

Feeling like less of a whore improves my morale and erases some of the guilt I'd been carrying around all afternoon. At this point I'm not even sure I want to know what I did last night… Hell, I'd already done a walk of shame in public - looking like hell and smelling like…

I was going to call Alice, but decide to wash away the tequila first. I stink. So bad, I'm honestly shocked nobody mentioned it - not even a turned up nose...

I shower and dress for bed. I know Alice will want to celebrate and this attire will help keep me grounded on my recovery from last night. No way do I want to make that mistake twice…

She's so happy for me, of course she wants to call up the girls and do a take two of last night. I insist I'm not feeling well and that I'm just going to stay in and watch a movie or something. Immediately she assumes I'm ditching her for Edward… Which may or may not be true… I haven't called him yet, so I deny it. Which leads to a discussion about where I went last night… She's not buying that Edward only drove me home and my laugh isn't helping my cause.

"There really isn't any dirt…Nothing happened, he's never been anything but a complete gentleman." However, I've been a little hickey leaving minx…

"Hopefully that's about to change," her words scare me… My body says yes, but my head isn't sure if I'm ready. I may have already said yes last night…

"Maybe, I don't know…"

"This weekend - let's go out and celebrate. Bring Edward," she insists…

"He may have to work, I don't know… I'll get back to you…"

I try to let her go, but not before she tries to convince me to go work out with her again tomorrow. I'm not easily convinced nor persuaded and laugh before I hang up on her.

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Just as I hang up on Alice there's a knock at the door. I peek through the peep hole and just as I'd expected, it's Edward… In uniform and he's brought food with him.

"How do you always know just what I need?" I quip the minute I swing the door open.

"Everyone needs to eat," he laughs softly and pushes his way inside. Sub-sandwiches from the deli around the corner, I recognize the bag.

"What time do you have to be at work?" I ask, grabbing us a few paper plates from off the top of the fridge.

"Actually, I am working. I was in the neighborhood and saw you were home… Didn't see the blue Oldsmobile. I wanted a sandwich and thought you might want one too."

"That's very considerate of you," I force a smile… I still feel exactly as I look, like shit - and I'm not quite sure how to act around him. I'm embarrassed, I've been a fool…

We sit at the breakfast bar and quietly open our sandwiches. I can feel his eyes staring and I politely try to ignore it but become self conscious of him studying me while I eat. "Yes?" I nervously laugh…

"Oh, nothing… So… How did your meeting go today?" He reaches for his sandwich and now I'm staring…

"It went well," I nod softly. He's grinning like the cat that ate the canary… "Nothing happened last night…" I smirk.

"Nothing?" He points to his collar…

"A small love bite, you'll heal…" I refuse to be apologetic while he's just eating all of this up…

"And how do you know that nothing happened?" He offers up a winky face…

"I checked the trash and the sheets, then realized you probably wouldn't take advantage - and if you did, you certainly wouldn't be admitting it now…"

"Bravo," he laughs… "Nice detective work there…"

"I'm pretty smart when I'm sober… Now can we eat? I'm starving…" A few minutes later and Edward has to go… This time he pecks my lips and he's the one rushing out…

I wasn't completely honest with how my meeting went. I want to hold it in just a little longer… For fear of what the next step may be. I'm not sure it would be wise to give up being single seconds after my divorce is final… It's bad enough that Edward is already counting the days and complaining that it's taking so long.

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I'm checking my e-mail, it's better than talking to myself. I never realized how alone I'd feel and tonight I'm feeling especially lonely now that it's over. It's really over… I can't make sense of the knot in the pit of my stomach. It's what I wanted, still I can't comprehend this incredible ache…

A notification from Facebook, I'm waiting for the page to load and I know I should delete the damn thing. It's just harboring on bad memories and people from High School keep sending friend requests - people I'd never expect to remember my name because I sure as hell didn't exist to them then. I don't even have a real profile set up…

Another message from Jake, titled coming clean… Guess there's a first time for everything…

_I don't even know where to begin, but I'll try… I was depressed and you were probably suffering similarly due to my actions. I did a lot of stupid shit prior to the affair so I shouldn't be too surprised that the affair was the straw that broke the camels back. I ask myself why I did it, over and over again. The only conclusion I keep coming to is that I was weak and she was an escape. An escape from everything that I am. She didn't harbor any ill feelings or resentment toward me because she'd never had the opportunity to see me as a failure. That escape grew to be like a drug to me; an illicit and dirty drug - but effective nonetheless. It was all based on shallowness and desperate attraction, she just happened to be at the right place at the wrong time. I'm a lying, cheating, selfish asshole._

_I'm on a complete downward spiral… I've lost my wife, dignity, morality, and everything else in my life is at stake and up for grabs. I haven't told my family and I realize you haven't either. I don't know why, but I know I deserve to face the consequences of my actions and then some. I'm a travesty based on lies, deceit, self-validation, and instant gratification. I've lied to you and everyone else in my life repeatedly, so many lies - it'd be easier to tell you when I was telling the truth._

_I love you and only you. I know you don't believe that, but it's the honest to God truth. I was lying when I said it to her. Nobody has ever sacrificed as much as you have for me and I have no doubt that nobody else will ever compare. I honestly can't comprehend the abundance of love, patience, and understanding you gave in our marriage. I know I didn't deserve it. I should have counted my blessings that you didn't walk out sooner, instead I did something incredibly selfish and foolish._

_I don't blame you. I will never blame you. The words 'if only' cross my mind quite often, but I accept all fault. I'll never forgive myself for all the ways in which I've failed you over the years. I apologize for my last message, I'm not even sure if you read it - or if you're even reading this… I'm not in the right state of mind. I'm barely holding on while I watch my life slip away…_

_Just know that I love you and that it's not too late to stop the divorce. I don't expect you to, but know that if you do… I will be everything you need, want, and then some. Give me one last chance to make you proud, as I should have so very long ago. We can end this tremendous amount of pain we're both going through and start anew. Anything you want, anything. I'm nothing without you…_

I don't even know how to respond, but feel that I should. I thought that he understood what I needed and wanted; a clean break…

I curl my fingers under my chin and lean against my desk, tapping my bottom lip now and again with my index finger - trying to figure out where to begin… I feel like no matter what I say it's all going to be perceived wrong. The last thing I want to do is lead him on or give him any false hope that there's even a chance that we'll be friends. I can't thank him for being a selfish asshole until I've found my happily ever after… That's my plan.

I'm just about to dial Alice and read it to her so I can form a better judgment before proceeding, when there's a knock at my door. It's just after ten… Figuring it's Edward - I press the button on the front of my monitor and cut off the power, creating a black screen.

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I peer through the peephole and I'm devastated by what I see… I can't get the door open fast enough…

"Oh my God, Edward… What happened?" I extend a hand to survey the bandage above his eye and he winces before I reach him…

"Aw it's just a love bite, it'll heal," he laughs softly - using my own words against me, before suddenly wincing in pain. Whatever happened, it hurts…

"Edward," I chastise - not finding any of this funny…

"One of the perks of getting hurt on the job, I get the rest of the night off… So, are you going to invite me in?"

"Depends…" I fold my arms across my chest.

"On what?"

"What bit you? If you're going to turn into a vampire, a flesh eating zombie, or a werewolf… You're on your own." I tease…

"So it's like that?" He flashes me a big toothy grin and then winces…

"Yeah, it's like that," I start to laugh and he quickly swoops in to hush me with his lips. Even though he's kissing me softly, I can feel his face tensing like it's trying to curl up into a ball…

"It even hurts to give me a kiss?" I back off and step around to close the door behind him…

"It was worth it," he grins and winces again… This time reaching for his forehead, feeling as if to check to make sure the bandage is still in place.

"Guess you won't be doing that thing with your eyebrows for awhile," I tease - I'm awful…

"No winky faces either… Wait, I think I can still do it with the other eye," he winks. "Yup, that one's good." He walks slowly over to my couch and I'm watching every miniscule detail to survey just how badly he's hurt. There's no noticeable limp, but I spot a gash on the back of his arm near his elbow. Sadly, I can't tell if it's old or new…

"Are you going to tell me what happened tonight?" I ask, catching up with him as he gets acquainted with my sofa.

"I've had worse. It's nothing to worry your pretty little head about."

"It's hard not to…" I worry.

"I'm fine. If I fall asleep, can you make sure to wake me every hour? The paramedic said I may have a concussion…" he notes.

That doesn't sound like you're fine…" I worry.

"I will be, after all I'm with you…" and his smile lights up my night. It's hard not to fall in love with him…

Who am I kidding? I've fallen… So hard, all over again.

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* * *

**~End Chapter 5 - D-I-V-O-R-C-E**

* * *

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	6. Thanks

**Tainted Love**

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* * *

**~Chapter 6 - Thanks**

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Gravity pulls and  
We fall from the clouds  
We prove to each other  
That we're both human now  
The time that we spent  
Trying to make sense  
Of it all

All that I'm asking for  
Is that you need nothing more  
And nothing comes in between  
Our love and it's fragile, see  
All that I'm asking for  
You're all that I'm asking for

Now we walk together  
Knowing where we've been  
Knowing mistakes are being mistaken again  
It's in the past tense  
There is no making sense of it now

All that I'm asking for  
Is that you need nothing more  
And nothing comes in between  
Our love and it's fragile, see

All that I'm asking for  
You're all that I'm asking for

In the still of your hands  
Anything can happen now  
With every beat of my heart  
Love speaks in silence

In the still of your hands  
Anything is possible  
With every beat of my heart

The time that we spent  
Trying to make sense, of it all

All that I'm asking for  
Is that you need nothing more  
And nothing comes in between  
Our love and it's fragile, see

All I'm asking for  
Is that you need nothing more  
And nothing comes in between  
Our love and it's fragile, see

All that I'm asking for  
You're all that I'm asking for  
(Life house - All that I'm asking for)

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Two words; speed dating. Three words; not for me…

I should have known it was going to be a bust when I recalled it was the day before the Thanksgiving holiday… I realized very quickly that only the most desperate come crawling out then; so they don't have to spend the holiday alone or because they're hoping to find that special date to bring home to their family dinner - the latter seemed to be the case with most. I had several offers I had to politely decline and aside from their sticker name-tags I didn't know too much else about them. _Who does that? _

I suppose it's a good thing I'm getting used to the idea of being on my own… It's absorbing, ever so slowly.

It was held in the basement of a local church, not my church thankfully… There was a pungent musty smell of dirt and old books; but neither were to be found - just lots of cheap metal folding tables and chairs... A headache started to linger around date four or five, so say about twenty-five minutes in. Alice kept glancing over at me and giving me the thumbs up… I guess just for being here and sticking it out with her?

None of my speed dates were very appealing. Most boasted about profession and wealth; trying to convey what a great catch they were… Humor was lacking and I was bored. They all paled in comparison to Edward and even the idea of being with him terrifies me.

Some days I think about settling with the most miserable ugly looking chump, someone who would be absolutely destitute if they left me. Then again, that's what Jake transformed into and it certainly didn't stop him from fucking around on me…

I can't do this again, I honestly can't. After an hour passes, I grab my purse and bail. _Sorry Alice…_

"Bella, wait up!" She's putting her coat on while she jogs after me in heels no less and I quickly realize how much I pale in comparison to her. I'm just a frumpy old housewife who doesn't own a home or have a husband anymore, ironic really. I must appear so damn desperate… It's the only way I can fathom why anyone would want to bring me home for the holiday, pity.

I stop on the pavement and wait for her to catch up. "I'm sorry Alice, this…" I gesture with a wave of my hand… "It's just not for me. I'm not ready for any of this."

"I wasn't expecting much to come of it, but I thought it might be fun… Don't be mad at me, please?" She reaches out to hug me and I embrace her tightly, taking in a deep breath - fresh air!

"No, I'm not mad… Want to be my sister-wife?" I joke… Maybe I'm better off being single. _Do I really want another man to baby and pick up after? _We share a small laugh and stroll arm in arm back to Alice's car.

"Why don't you move in with me? You know I love you…" She offers again - just as I'm about to get my seat belt fastened.

"I know, but I love you too much to torture you that terribly. I'm fine, really…" I nod softly.

"I want to see you smile again and not one of those cheesy sarcastic smiles," she scolds. I look at her and force a smile… "Nope, it's not reaching your eyes. We're going to have to do something about that."

"Alice, no - please no! It's okay really. It's normal to grieve," I nod… I know I must appear so silly and foolish. Even I know it's crazy. I mean it's not like it'd be hard to find a better replacement for Jake… "It is what it is. I'll be fine," I promise.

"You know what they say; the best way to get over one man is to get under another…" So she keeps telling me… "Hint, hint - so what's been going on with Edward?" She ends that statement with a mock cough that has me laughing.

"Don't think I haven't thought about it…" Often… I nearly moan aloud at the thought.

"I can't believe that's the same Edward you went to high school with," she announces as we pull out of the parking lot. Okay so Edward wasn't the greatest looking guy in high school. He was sort of awkward and lanky, a little on the grunge side… Alice's parents sent her to a private all girls school… So while she saw the shrine in my room - she never really knew him well enough to understand my little crush way back when. In fact, she teased me - horribly.

"Me either… If I had only known then what I know now…" I'm practically purring and of course Alice laughs, which gets me laughing too.

"Hell, well if you don't want him…" She teases, but I catch that glint in her eye that makes me wonder if she's truly kidding. Heck, why would she? Edward is a catch you could spot from a mile away.

"No chance, I'll tell him you used to refer to him as too tall spaghetti legs…and the perfect idiot.. " She busts out laughing by the time spaghetti legs rolls off my tongue.

"I can't believe you remember that! But, I think I called you the perfect idiot for liking that weirdo," she corrects me. "He was creepy and dirty looking then! I could have said worse… I'm just too nice," she flaunts a perfect smile.

"He sure filled out…" We sigh in unison…and then I reach over and poke her in the ribs for thinking about _MY_ guy. "You better keep reminding yourself that _I_ was _WITH_ him first…" Deep down I know she would never, it's just hard to blindly trust anything anymore…

"Sloppy seconds, sloppy seconds," she repeats like it's her new mantra.

"Yup," I slept with too tall spaghetti legs back when we had to maneuver in the bottom bunk of his tiny shared bedroom… "He does have a couple of brothers, I wonder whatever happened to them…" I think aloud…

"If they're as fuck hot as Edward, hook a girl up!" Her enthusiasm is almost frightening…

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Thanksgiving is just another day… A cool day in the suburbs just outside Chicago. Alice invited me to spend the holiday with her at a co-workers house. Having not met them, I wasn't comfortable enough to accept the invite. Knowing Alice she probably didn't even ask if it was okay to invite me. She always assumes things like she has this perfect intuition on everyone else… Let's just say she's not always spot on.

I wasn't in the mood for awkward, but here I am trying to muster the courage to call home and wish my father a Happy Thanksgiving before I give him some lame excuse about why I'm not up to traveling… I'm even pondering telling him the truth and dropping the ugly word; divorce. I'm certain he'll tell everyone back home about his only daughter's failing marriage… There's not a whole lot to talk about back in Forks. Though it's probably best to be the gossip of town from afar…

I'm still trying to convince myself to dial…

Edward mentioned heading home to spend the holiday with his parents. I didn't necessarily lie - but I'm sure he assumes I'll be doing the same. He did mention that maybe he'll see me….

Gah, I'd better call before Edward pops in at my dad's house… I dial, the phone rings and rings… It's 2011 and he still doesn't own an answering machine. Just as I'm about to hang up, he answers. "Hello," I can hear chatter and laughter in the background, it comforts me to know he isn't spending the holiday alone…

"Hey dad," it's your sorry excuse of a daughter finally calling home…

"Bella! Hey, where are you? Jake and everyone else is here, we're just waiting on you to carve the bird." My stomach rolls… It makes this horrible obnoxious grumbling - I'm going to explode sound that I'm fairly certain echoed through the receiver.

"I'm not coming," I exhale - my voice sounds distant, even to myself. Jake went to spend the holiday with my family? _What the fuck?_

"Did you miss your flight? You never were very punctual," he scolds… "That's my Bella always fashionably late," he announces really loud so the crowd on his end can hear. "So, what terminal are you stuck at? I'll see if I can get you on the next flight." It's almost laughable how he thinks a sheriff of a small town would have any pull with a big name airline. They don't give a rats ass who you are; unless maybe you're the president…

"Dad, I'm not at the airport… I just wanted to call and wish you a Happy Thanksgiving," I muster in a quiet apologetic tone.

"What? You're kidding right?" he chuckles…

"No, I'm not…" I repeat myself, a little firmer this time.

"Well, your husband is here… Do you want to talk to him?"

"No," definitely not.

"Well, how would you like me to break it to him? It's not too late to catch a flight," his tone sounds hopeful. "You should be celebrating with your family Bells, it's Thanksgiving…" he tries to guilt. That's my dad - covering all of his bases.

"Tell him it's over and that I hope he has a wonderful holiday with his ex-in-laws; because he sure as hell better not be on the guest list next year…" Anger extends, I can no longer keep it contained.

"Wait, Bells? Back up…" His tone shifts to a wild mix of confusion and concern…

"I'll call later, I love you." I quickly hang up the phone.

Immediately my thoughts shift to what could happen if Edward drops by… I could careless what Jake tells my father, that I can sort out later without an audience. I dial Edward in a panic and hope to catch him… Except his cell goes right to voicemail and I don't know if it's because he has it turned off or he has no reception - not like it matters which… I run to the computer and load Google in hopes of getting his parents home number; but there's no listing… _Think, think, think… _I try to remember what the hell it was and even dial a few wrong numbers trying…

I'm sure my father has their number, but I'm afraid to call back… He'd want an explanation before he gave me anything. It's the only leverage he'd have to pry information out of me at this very moment…

I replay all of the awful scenarios in my head and as the night winds down… If I'm thankful for anything - it's that I didn't go home. Edward hasn't called, so it couldn't have been too bad; I keep reassuring myself.

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I have a little cry and cave into the bitterness of being alone... Then gorge into a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice-cream, as if it will make it all just miraculously fade away…

I'm almost finished and past the point of feeling ill when there's a knock at my door. My thoughts immediately shift to Alice, she's an amazing friend… I knew she wouldn't let me be alone, not on my first holiday.

I unlock and whip open the door… My surprised face just makes it easier for Edward to shove his tongue in my mouth. I don't know what the hell we're doing or where this insatiable need has risen from within him, but I'm going along with it.

When he finally lets me come up for air; "I thought you were spending the holiday with your family?" No complaints here; _really! _I imagine my face is several shades of blush - especially when I begin pondering what it would be like to have hot lips kiss me in other places… I can feel the heat radiating off my skin; what a lovely way to burn...

"Thank God you're here," he confesses at nearly the exact same time I inquire about his holiday plans…

Color me confused, I'm still digesting that amazing kiss… Edward inhales and exhales sharply, like he just ran a damn marathon to reach my door… "What?"

"Jake, he was there! Out on the lawn playing football with your dad and a few other guys… I figured with that message he sent. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have doubted."

"What message?" I'm lost…but I just became a hell of a lot more thankful this holiday; Edward's here!

"I looked at your computer monitor and it was there. I know, I know… I shouldn't have read it. You were being so vague with your plans… Your father stopped me just as I was about to pull away. He sounded really concerned when he explained that you called and told him you weren't coming… So I hopped on the next flight to make sure you were okay. You're okay? We're okay?" He doesn't give me a chance to respond, he's already got me locked tight in his arms… His chest continually crashes into mine as he breathes heavily and rapidly; still he manages to kiss the side of my head not once but three times… While I'm left trying to sort through his frantic babble and piece together what the hell happened over there...

"You were spying on me?" I don't know whether to be offended or elated that he cares enough to catch a flight to travel all the way back to see me - of all people.

"You left the screen open…" he insists.

"I turned the monitor off," I'm fairly certain.

"Can we just agree to disagree? Tell me what you're thinking?"

"I'm glad you're here…" I exhale into his shoulder.

"Yeah? Me too," even his laugh sounds exhausted…

We finally close the door, not that Edward needs an invitation. Lately he seems to be barreling his way in; right into my heart.

We end up cuddling on the couch and I can't stop relaying to him how happy I am to see him. I explain how I called home and how it ended up being one big cluster fuck. Right before I admit to how naive I've been; again. I tell him everything - from what went down in the lawyers office to the conversation that ensued with Jake in the parking garage.

I should have known it wasn't over… At least not in his mind. Jake's still harboring hopes of winning my affections. Sabotaging my family holiday sure as hell wasn't going to do it. Though I definitely understand how Jake's pattern of thinking works. Knowing I hadn't told our families, he anticipated that I would come for the holiday and play along rather than make a scene… That was a calculated risk he was willing to take. The sad part is that he probably would have been right, if only for a day. I find it amusing that he thinks one day is all he's going to need to turn his shit storm around…

Just when I expect Edward to be resentful because I wasn't completely honest with how the meeting went that day… He offers to fly back to Forks to knock Jake around; but only if I want him to… Which has me laughing through tears…

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We spend hours being too honest. Edward admits he's a little scared too; which with the way he came running through my door should be pretty damn obvious… He understands my fears too, which eases the feeling of being overwhelmed and leaves me full of gratitude. The shittiest Thanksgiving in history was suddenly turning around to be one of the best…

I even tell him about the speed dating thing with Alice. He wasn't pleased to hear about that, but he listened and absorbed everything I had to say rather than being quick to judge. He offered me an out and even pretended to understand if I wanted to date other people before jumping into anything serious again. I could tell he was disappointed, but he was going to accept it - if that's what I wanted.

That's when I called him crazy…

And he kissed me; a lot…

Mister sexy, dark, and dangerous is clouding my thoughts. If I let this go on for too long, I'm rather certain there's no turning back. I'm on the verge of giving him everything if he'd only give me just a little more…

"Hey, hey buddy… My divorce isn't final yet," I remind him with a firm press of my hand on his well defined chest; god help me. I'm scared shitless… Everything feels right aside from my heap of insecurities that are forever messing with my head. At the end of the day I'm not sure I'll ever feel worthy or good enough for anyone, let alone someone like Edward.

Jake fucked me up so bad and now I'm forever in wait for the other shoe to drop…

"It's just a formality now," and Mr. Cocky reappears blazing with confidence. I can't help but smile - I only wish Alice was here to see it. It's not a front or full of sarcasm; it's genuine enough to reach my eyes. I hate to see her worry so much about me, as if she doesn't have enough on her plate with what's going on in her own life.. "But, no pressure…" he interjects before I can finish gathering my thoughts.

"You're a horrible liar," I taunt - amused.

"I've waited this long, what's a little longer?" I squeeze him, maybe a little too hard… "So when is that divorce going to be final?" My expression shifts to uncertainty at his question, because I really haven't a clue… "I'm kidding," his words comfort… "Sort of," and when he laughs it's so beautifully mesmerizing I nearly forget what we were talking about… He's happy, I'm happy; we're happy. I try to focus on the here and now, it's less daunting.

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I fit perfectly in the crook of his arm and I even share my snuggie. Just when I feel like I could drift off now that the fear and excitement of a very long day has worn thin…

"So what's speed dating like?" He asks.

"You wouldn't like it," I blurt.

"Try me… So, what's it like?" He inquires further. I groan quietly to myself because I want to forget it ever happened. However, I humor him…

"You get somewhere between five and seven minutes to sell yourself," I yawn…

"What did you tell them?" At first I thought he was making fun, but I quickly realize by the seriousness of his tone and quick direct questions - that perhaps he too is a little more insecure than I ever thought he could be.

"My name is Bella, then I'd point to my name-tag… I'm currently going through my first divorce. I figured that would be enough to scare anyone off…" I laugh softly.

"But it didn't," he hums softly against the top of my head.

"You're right, but I didn't leave with any phone numbers," I blurt honest.

"Seven minutes isn't really enough time to make assessments on anyone," he shrugs gently and my head lulls up to stare into his face…

"Oh it was plenty. None of them were charismatic, funny, or anywhere near as good looking as you…"

"So you were comparison shopping then?" His question catches me off guard. Especially when I thought I'd said the right thing to end this conversation… So much for being too honest…

"No… It was… all too soon. I know I'm not ready - my mind was made up before I even walked in."

"Then why did you go?"

"Because Alice is single and she invited me…." I honestly don't know what to say, even the truth sounds awful.

"I know I shouldn't think…"

"No, you shouldn't," I interject quickly before he can finish and manage to steal another laugh from him, albeit brief.

"So no more speed dating?"

"No more speed dating," I confirm.

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The fact Edward had taken the week off work didn't make it easy to lie to Alice. I don't know why I agreed, but I did... The idea of sharing Edward with my friends was a lot more complicated than I originally thought it would be. He's good looking, charming, has a great laugh and a warm welcoming smile, very easy to connect and socialize with… Alright, so I'm a little jealous. Especially when they show more interest in him than the gal he's with; _ME!_

Edward keeps trailing his fingers along my arm; subtle pats and touches to remind me he's still with me. Even though it appears the entire table is engrossed in him. I drink more than intended, but lately it seems to be my coping mechanism.

Nervous? Drink.

Angry? Drink.

Jealous and bitter? Drink.

Sad? Drink.

Happy? Celebrate with a drink!

Come to think of it, there aren't too many times a drink wouldn't be appropriate. It doesn't help that tonight Edward is definitely keeping count. He may think I don't notice, but I can guarantee he knows exactly how many drinks I've had. Somehow he manages to appear social and nurse one beer. One! Yet here I am sipping away on my fourth… or fifth cocktail.

When he asks me if I'd like to dance, I leap at the opportunity… I don't want him to dance with anyone else and it appears to be the only way I can get him alone. We work our way through the crowd to the dance floor. Thankfully the music takes a turn for the better by the time we find a vacant area, _a slow song for all the lovely couples out there… _

"You don't drink very much," I comment when he pulls me close… Now that I've had time to think about it, he almost always has _just one _beer.

"Someone has to carry you home," he teases and I can't help but smile.

"I'm not always a lush," I swat him playfully on his back.

"I know, I like having fun with you."

"Are you having fun?" I ask.

"Your friends seem nice…" he hums softly along my ear.

"That's not what I asked," I laugh softly.

"As long as I get to be with you…" he brushes his lips softly against my cheek and I can't help but smile wide. I spot Alice a few feet away on the dance floor doing some crazy chicken dance… Charades, I think that's what she's wanting to play. I mouth one word; what? She's pointing at Edward, that part I understand - but this flailing of arms is so damn confusing. Eventually our signals finally mesh and when the song ends, I excuse myself to meet her in the bathroom.

Last week she said we should all go out; bring Edward were her exact words… Somehow I missed the memo that I was supposed to ask Edward about his brothers and maybe bring a date for her…

"Honestly, I forgot all about it…" While I do feel a little bad, I still can't help but laugh at her enthusiasm. I mean, I don't even know if his brothers are single or if they even keep in contact. "I doubt they're local anyway," I hope to steal a bit of wind from her sails before she finds herself utterly disappointed.

"Christmas is coming up… Aren't you going home for the holiday?" I barely made it through Thanksgiving… My father is a little less than understanding because he looked at Jake like the son he never had, the golden child. I think it's going to take a bit for it to really sink in. _I didn't want to believe it either at first… _

"Maybe, I don't know!" Alice wants an answer now, but I'm not ready to commit. Our adventure to the bathroom ends with her grabbing the front of my dress and checking out my rack to see what underwear I'm wearing… It all happens so fast, I don't even register what the hell she's doing until it's over.

"Oh, you'll be going home with Edward for Christmas…" she grins.

"Don't bet on it," I slap her ass hard on the way out of the bathroom. She jumps and conveniently bumps into Edward as he exits the men's room across the narrow hall. Quickly, she steps back and crashes right into me.

"What are we betting on?" Edward smiles, intrigued…

"Nothing," we blurt in unison…

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**~End Chapter 6 - Thanks**

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	7. A Red Ribbon

**Tainted Love**

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**~Chapter 7 - A Red Ribbon**

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Lyin' here with you so close to me  
It's hard to fight these feelings when it feels so hard to breathe  
Caught up in this moment  
Caught up in your smile

I've never opened up to anyone  
So hard to hold back when I'm holding you in my arms  
We don't need to rush this  
Let's just take this slow

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight  
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright  
No I don't want to mess this thing up  
I don't want to push too far  
Just a shot in the dark that you just might  
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life  
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

I know that if we give this a little time  
It will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find  
It's never felt so real, no it's never felt so right

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight  
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright  
No I don't want to mess this thing up  
I don't want to push too far  
Just a shot in the dark that you just might  
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life  
So baby I'm alright, with just a kiss goodnight

No I don't want to say goodnight  
I know it's time to leave, but you'll be in my dreams  
Tonight  
Tonight  
Tonight

Just a kiss on your lips in the moonlight  
Just a touch in the fire burning so bright  
No I don't want to mess this thing up  
I don't want to push too far  
Just a shot in the dark that you just might  
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life  
So baby I'm alright, oh, let's do this right, with just a kiss goodnight  
With a kiss goodnight  
Kiss goodnight  
(Lady Antebellum - Just a kiss)

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We get back to Edward's apartment and it's barer than usual. "You found another place…" I exhale, unsteady. Moments like these… I just want to pluck every single blond hair from that tramps head - by the mother-fucking handful.

"No, but I've got until after the new year. My landlord gave me an extension…" he runs his hand through the front of his hair and when it comes undone, his hair is even more misplaced. I don't let him know that he rocks the messy hair; in fact it only makes me more insecure… "With my crazy schedule, I figured I should probably get started on packing." He appears so overwhelmed, I really don't know what to say...

"I see," I gently tap one of the boxes sprawled out in the middle of the floor with my foot.

"I've got a new realtor; Charles Brady…" he smiles. I contain that huge sigh of relief and offer a small nod of approval. "Everything okay? You've been kind of quiet since we left the club…"

"Yeah, I'm just tired…" I hate change, in any form. I was just starting to get comfortable being at his place, this place… and now he's going to move, to who knows where. It's just a lot to take in right now. I guess the bright side is that the cum bucket slut will no longer know where he lives…

"Oh, I've got something for you," he grins - excited. I follow his little back peddle down the hall to his bedroom. I'm sure he does… have something for me. However when he opens a brown shopping bag he'd left on the floor of his room, matching pajamas weren't at all what I was expecting.

I clutch the soft cotton and flannel fabrics he's handed me with a soft laugh. "Thank you…"

"What? Too corny?" His cheeks turn all shades of blush and he nervously laughs right along with me.

"I love them," I smile.

"Well, I'll let you go get changed first…" he steps aside to give me a clear path to the bathroom.

I quietly undress and shake out the set he's given me. I can't help but laugh again when I'm finally able to dissect the print… "Oh, you better be wearing yours," I call through the door.

"I will be," he laughs softly…

I shake my head because perhaps Alice's intuition was right, this time… Matching holiday pajamas. The top is a white t-shirt that has a female deer embroidered, she's wearing a red bow on her head and there's a few snowflakes sprinkled around her. It's so cheesy, it's cute and hysterical. Definitely worse than anything my grandmother would gift. The bottoms are a soft baby blue flannel - adorned with tiny presents, trees, snowflakes, bows and ribbons, stars, and what look like tiny heart decorated mugs of hot chocolate. They even came with a free holiday toothbrush, green with red bristles…

The fabrics are so soft, I'm willing to forgive what they look like. I might have misjudged them, kind of like my snuggie… Because by the time I finish washing my face and brushing my teeth, I'm in love…

"Are you wearing yours?" I call through the door. _He better be wearing his…_

"I'm decent," he doesn't quite answer my question. _Oh hell, here goes nothing. _

"You look ridiculously cute," he compliments the minute I step out while looking slightly uncomfortable himself. His are exactly the same as mine, except his deer has antlers tangled up in holiday lights - not very manly looking at all. Edward got the shorter end of the stick, I try not to giggle but fail miserably.

I can barely breathe when Edward goes into the bathroom with his free matching toothbrush… "I can still hear you," he calls from the bathroom. I climb onto his bed and laugh until my belly starts aching.

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I get settled into what has become my side of the bed; whether it's his or mine I get the left side. It just sort of happened…

Edward double checks to make sure everything is locked up and kills most of the lights. He comes around to his side of the bed and reaches back to tear away his Rudolph-esque t-shirt. Seeing his bare muscled chest in all it's glory; it definitely feels a lot like Christmas morning. I'm not the least bit sad that I didn't get to do the unwrapping…

He climbs into bed and reaches over me to kill the awkward modern looking lamp on my bedside table, since I've never been able to successfully find the switch myself… Tonight I catch a glimpse of a tattoo I'd never really seen before. On his left bicep, there's _Bella _in big bold fancy script lettering… I remember seeing _vita_ further down on the side of his forearm, but the fonts aren't quite matching up. I'm almost certain - but afraid to ask in detail.

"How many tattoos do you have?" I ask, while he's still leaning over my lap.

"I thought I told you… Seventeen," he replies while still leaning over me so he can read my expression. The tattoos really don't bother me, yet anyway… I'm not even sure what most of them are. I've always been too shy and embarrassed to really look closely enough to dissect them all and his physique can be pretty damn distracting from the ink.

"I was just wondering, it looks like you have more than seventeen…" I remark.

"Fifty eight hours worth, some are bigger than others…" He leans back and shows me a biblical quote on his ribs. There's actually a dozen tattoos in this area but he's calling it one since it was all done at once. Knowing nothing about tattoos, I accept his logic and release an "Oh…" sound. "Can I see the others?"

"I thought you were tired," he laughs softly…

"Not too tired," _definitely not too tired_… Sweet baby Jesus, he turns on the lights and lets me run my fingers all over him. His entire back is covered with an angel that somewhat resembles Mother Mary over what appears to be a city skyline. It's so beautiful, I imagine a lot of the hours were invested solely in this piece here. He has a gun tattooed on the back of his right bicep which almost makes me giggle. Quite a few scriptures, some in English, others Latin.

He shows me a spider-web tattoo on his elbow. "Three rings for the first kill, and one line for every one after…" he explains. I'm still absorbing this information, but I'm more concerned with counting the lines.

"We're talking about people, right?" I think I counted nine…

"If you want to call them that," he sounds so desensitized when he says it… "Extreme cases only, when it's either them or me. Trust me, I'd gladly offer up all of my tax dollars to have them spend the rest of their lives rotting in a cell, but it doesn't always go down like that…" He quickly directs my attention back to the webbing… "This style of tat originated in prisons. It's how prisoners identify their kills. You see someone with a lot of rings - that's someone you probably don't want to mess with..."

"Yeah," I shake my head full of wonder… That's when I start pointing out the scars - which have suddenly become more fascinating than the tattoos. "This one?"

"You're going to end up having nightmares," he teases. Though it's probably the honest to God truth… "Gang banger, he got me twice in my hand here." He shows me two raised pink lines that run from his first knuckle and spread into his palm… "And three times here…" he points back to the ugly raised purple lines I'd originally asked about at the side of his abdomen.

"How many times have you been shot?" I absentmindedly ask, when I quickly realize not all of the scars look like stab wounds - but it's apparent he has more than just the three he pointed out.

"How many times have I been hit?" Reality is sinking in quickly… I'm sure that number will be far less than the times he's been shot at.

"Sure.." I breathe in and out deeply.

"Too many times for my liking," he pulls the sheet up and pools it around his waist. "Are you tired yet?" he laughs softly, but it's not his typical beautiful mesmerizing laugh. On some level I feel as if I've made him uncomfortable by asking too many questions. I still have plenty rolling around in my head, but agree it's time for sleep with a soft nod.

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It's still dark outside when I wake to the sound of the shower running… I roll over toward his side of the bed and the clock glows with a time stamp of just before six. I groan softly, I'm so not a morning person… Not ready to get up, I lie awake reflecting on everything Edward…

Every once in awhile I hear Edward moaning like those women do in the cheesy shampoo commercials. It doesn't take long for me to connect the dots... I'm a little surprised that he'd be uh.. _doing that_, with me just on the other side of the door… _He must really love his shampoo… _

The ache in my groin only intensifies with every soft grunt and moan that slips through the cracks of the bathroom door… I rub my thighs together in hopes to create enough friction to ease the growing - nearly unbearable ache. _I will not touch myself in Edward's bed. _Unfortunately, telling myself that doesn't help. The delicate flower down below is insistent on being pollinated. _No, no, no… _I try not to envision what he's doing in there… That helps a little - but his sounds of arousal are so distracting! I try to find the humor in the situation, but it's been _soooo long_…

_One long glorious moan later_… The water stops and then I hear the shower curtain springing open… My face is probably ten shades of red as I pull the sheet and blanket up, tucking them tightly around my chin. I totally plan to pretend to be sleeping… Though I've got one eye cracked just a tiny slice… Just in case he decides to saunter out naked and give me a little peep show. _I know, I'm going to hell... Slice of heaven first…_

_Ten minutes later and that peep show pipe dream has started to sail… _The bathroom door opens and he's once again dressed for bed. He walks past my side of the bed and it isn't long before I feel his weight climb back into the bed. He scoots in so his knees are nestled right behind mine and wraps his arm around me…

A short while later and Edward's arm grows heavy with sleep. I find it next to impossible to sleep; without a cold shower… He smells so good, which isn't helping my _problem_ any… I nearly moan like the cheesy actresses on the commercials. _Sigh…_

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"Good morning sleepy head…" I wake and yawn to the sound of Edward's voice. I slept terribly, though somehow I managed to get back to sleep and sleep a little while longer…

"Do we have to get up," I groan…

"No, but I thought maybe you'd want to go out and get some breakfast," he offers.

"I don't want to get dressed," I mumble with eyes closed.

"No? Well we can go in our P-J's," he so bluffs and I intend to call him on it.

It's just before ten and we're sitting in Starbucks wearing our matching pajamas. We're wearing our jackets, so the other patrons aren't getting the full effect… I'm not even wearing any shoes, just a pair of borrowed socks from Edward. _Heels wouldn't really go with this outfit… _

"What do you want to do today?" He asks, breaking into his muffin. _Get laid… _I'd ask him why he's so chipper this morning, but I already know the answer to that question. Then I start to wonder if that's the reason why he took a shower at my place. I don't have to wonder for long; the answer is too obvious. _Damn…_

"Be lazy…" _Get laid… _I insist.

"Lazy eh?" He laughs softly…

"Did you forget how?" I tease.

"Nooo," he throws a small piece of his muffin at me. "I just thought since we have all this time, you'd want to go do something…" _Oh, I want to do something alright…_

"Like a date?" I retrieve the small bit of muffin he tossed into my lap and throw it back at him. With a little showmanship, he catches it in his mouth.

"Hmm…" he purrs in thought. "Yes, a date. Not a speed date, because I'm going to need a hell of a lot longer than seven minutes…" I feel a sprinkling of sexual innuendo, this time I'm blaming me… Since it's apparent I'm the only one left unfulfilled this morning.

"You're never going to let me live that down!" I flick some of my crumbs in his direction.

"Five more minutes!" He laughs and I kick him under the table… "Alright, I'm done - for now…" his laughter ensues. I kick him again.

"What is it? Be mean to Bella day?" I whine.

"I kind of like it when you hurt me," he winks and now I'm afraid to kick him again…

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We go back to his place… I'm not sure when this date is supposed to start. Neither of us are working on making any real solid plans; apparently it was just an idea that was thrown out there…

We're lazily lying in Edward's bed, he's got the flat screen raised from this fancy box that hides it at the foot of his bed. I should have known… It's November, of course there's football…

Every once in awhile he startles me with his enthusiasm… Yelling and shaking his hand at the screen. I would have never pegged Edward for being a sports junkie, but he's in it to win it - like he's actually playing out on the field… Jake used to tease me for watching ice skating competitions on TV, he'd really ridicule the men in their costumes - but football players wear pants that are even tighter… _But it's a manly sport, whatever…_

I settle down into the pillows and debate on taking a nap, which wouldn't be so hard if it weren't quaking with Edward's quick movements every few minutes…

"Ahem…" he's so completely mesmerized by the tube… It's like I distract him for a nano-second and then he remembers he was watching football and ignores me…

I exhale really loud; almost huff - and he starts handing me more pillows and pushing over shares of the blanket…

"So…" I lean over and breathe along his ear. "Does that Smith guy really have a nicer ass than I do?"

"Smith is their quarterback," he corrects me without even answering my question.

During a commercial break I convince Edward to drive me home so I can get ready for our date, later I suppose… He listens to the game on the radio during the drive and I try not to be a bitch. With his schedule who knows how long its been since he's watched a game in real time_. We're not even dating yet and I suck at this…_

He takes a break from listening to the game and surprisingly walks me up to my door. Cornering me just inside the door he gives me a really sweet kiss and promises he'll call in a few hours - so I better be ready.

I'm pretty sure every time I kiss Edward I lose brain cells… I better be ready, but I have no idea what to prepare for. We never did make any solid plans.

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My machine is nearly full with messages. Alice has been calling all day and my father has been calling since yesterday. I pick up the phone and dial my father first, since he sounds worried sick.

"How's my baby girl?" His tone sounds really apologetic in comparison to our last conversation. He hasn't called me baby girl in forever… it's nice.

"I'm doing okay dad. I'm sorry for dropping this all on you, but I had to tell you eventually…" I laugh softly, trying to make light of the situation.

"I only wish you had told me sooner. I don't know what I could have done - knock some sense into Jake and maybe it wouldn't have gone this far…" I shake my head softly as I listen. Sure Jake respected my father - but if he couldn't respect me…

"He married me not you dad… He can't respect me - it was never going to work... I'm doing fine on my own. It's okay, shit happens - right?" I sniffle and blow a little air up into my eyes, sucking the waterworks back before they can start.

"It happens to the best of us... I just hate to think of you alone in a big city. You sure you don't want to move back home and keep your old dad company?" He offers.

"Alice and Edward don't live too far away, I still have friends… I'm not as miserable as Jake would like for you to believe," I insist.

"Edward huh?" He can see right through me…

"Yeah, you know him…" I submit.

"He's a good kid. I heard he's with some special unit that shall not be named, least that's what his mother says." _Now he tells me… _"His family is very proud. You know his younger brother Jasper enlisted in the army not too long ago. They had a parade here in town just before his deployment," he gossips like a little old lady. I can't imagine what he's already shared about my impending divorce.

"No, I hadn't heard…" I reply. That takes one brother out of the equation for Alice.

"Yeah his other brother Emmett and his wife Rose just had a little girl a couple years back. Edward was in their wedding about um… five years ago?" Sorry Alice…

"Why are we talking about Edward's family?" I laugh softly.

"Well, he has a very nice family… At least Edward visits me, which is more than I can say about my own daughter," he showers me with guilt. _I should have seen that one coming… _

"I know, I know…" I try not to roll my eyes.

"Are you coming down for Christmas?" He asks.

"I haven't figured that out yet; probably…" I try to appease him.

"What's Edward's number? I'll invite him and see that he brings you."

"Dad… I'm not a child," I groan.

"Don't be too proud Bells, I'm your dad. You can tell me anything. You know that, right?" _Sigh…_

"I have to get ready to go out for dinner, so I'll call you later - in a few days," I offer, honest.

"With Edward?" He asks.

"Maybe… What's it to you?" I taunt.

"I just want you to be happy Bells. Some grandchildren would be nice too… I won't say no more… but I'm not getting any younger," he reminds me all - the - friggin'- time. Like _this _is what I need right now!

"You better not call Edward, I'll talk to you later - love you." I quickly hang up before he starts up another conversation.

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Talking to my father leaves me feeling sorry for myself again. My father still has hopes, dreams, and aspirations for me… I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and hoping that I end up in a better place. I haven't received any call backs on any of the applications I submitted, which is really damn depressing. If I don't find a job soon I won't have a choice but to move in with someone… Probably my father, god help me. He'll nag until I get my shit together, which could certainly be motivating.

I call Edward to see where we're going so I know how to dress… "Oh… um, yeah… Fancy, I've got a surprise…"

"Fancy?" _What!_

"Formal," he clarifies but it sounds like he's chewing on something… _Is he eating dinner before dinner?_

The nicest dress hanging in my closet is the one I wore to an office Christmas party last year…

I go back and forth with whether or not it's too _fancy_… I have a couple glasses of wine to clear my head and fuck it… I shower, shave, dry and wrap my hair in hot curlers. The silk red floor length mermaid style dress slides on like butter. I shove a hand down the front of the strapless dress and adjust my boobs; at least I've still got a modest but amazing rack going for me.

I spin in front of the floor length mirror on the back of the bathroom door while I wait for my hair to finish setting, without warning I hear his voice in the back of my head. _I can't believe you're going to wear that to an office party! Cover up, you look trashy! Who are you screwing, your boss! It makes your ass look big anyway, so wear it! _I did, only because I had nothing else to wear. I left the house in tears that night… At least now it makes sense; why he couldn't attend with me... _Too busy fucking her to give a shit…_

I remove the rollers and run my fingers through my hair to loosen the curls. I part my hair and add a faux diamond and pearl studded comb, before stepping into my shimmering silver toned heels and buckling the crisscross strap at the ankle.

I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror. _Hairspray, lots of it… _I didn't think I looked that bad then, now I'm not so sure… The reflection doesn't look very familiar at all. _My boobs, I love my boobs…_

There's a knock at the door just as I start to debate digging out one of the several little black dresses I own…

I hesitate to open the door… Looking through the peep hole, I spot Edward waiting with a bouquet of red roses looking very polished in a tux. Begrudgingly, I open the door and quickly turn away… "Let me grab a shawl…" I start down the hall toward my bedroom…

"Wait, where are you going! Let me have a look at you," his voice is filled with so much enthusiasm - I'm afraid to disappoint. Slowly, I spin on my heel…

"Wow!" The bouquet slips from it's upright position to fall at his side.

"Please, don't make any jokes…" I exhale as he closes the gap between us.

"You look amazing… so beautiful," he starts tripping from one compliment to the next and we start to lose eye contact.

"You look fantastic too," I admit. _Like he stepped right off of the front cover of a GQ magazine and landed in my… Where am I again?_

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world tonight," he grins - finally offering me the bouquet of roses. "I got these for you," he smiles. I lean over the flowers to kiss him on the cheek and he turns his head and catches my lips with a soft laugh. It definitely breaks some of the tension, at least in my mind.

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Edward takes my arm and leads me down to his car where he helps load me into the passenger seat. The skirt requires a little tucking and he's glad to oblige. I turn to fasten my seat belt and notice a big white box tied with a red ribbon on the back seat…

"What's that?" I gesture a thumb toward the back seat as he hops in…

"A surprise," his eyes widen with more enthusiasm… I'm not sure I like surprises anymore, but seal my lips in a tight line and try to make sense of where we're headed once we hit the streets.

Downtown - there's plenty of traffic on the weekend.

We arrive at the Trump Tower, I've heard of it - driven by… Never have I actually gone inside. Edward carries the big white box and I pretend to tug at the ribbon once we reach the service desk. He quickly shifts it out of my reach, checks his reservations, and leaves the desk clerk with the box - with instructions to take it up to his room…

"You didn't say this was going to be an overnight trip…" I speak quietly at his side as we enter the elevator…

"Um…" he laughs softly. "Whatever happens… Just go along with it," he flashes me a big smile before leaning over to kiss my temple. "I'll let you kick me later," he offers just before he straightens and takes my arm. We stop at the sixteenth floor…

The doors open and I'm speechless… Immediately I become very self conscious and stare down toward my feet, allowing Edward to float me through the very large crowd. "What is this?" I murmur - nervousness heavily lacing my tone; it comes out sounding almost mumbled.

"The secret policeman ball," he announces without a care in the world…

"Looks like the secret is out of the bag," I quip and take a deep breath while trying to unknot my fingers, only to realize I'm trembling.

"It's a play on words, tradition… You're beautiful, now stop fidgeting," he scolds with a soft laugh. Almost immediately Edward is approached by what I quickly realize are fellow colleagues. I force a smile and watch them shake hands. I'm greeted with soft kisses on my cheek and humorous banter on how nice it is for Edward to bring a date that isn't related to him… "My mother," Edward notes before leading me deeper into the party. We're stopped several times on our path by others wanting to greet Edward. Finally after what seems like forever - we find our table.

There's a couple already seated. "This is the guy that does most of my paperwork at the office; Robert… and his stunning wife Emily…" Edward introduces us. "This is Bella…" He lingers on my name just a pause too long and I can't help but wonder what, if anything, he's told them about me.

"His partner," Robert corrects - taking my hand he offers it a gentle shake before passing it off to Emily. "How'd you manage to get a date?" He asks. Edward replies by connecting his fist jovially at Rob's shoulder…

"It's nice to meet you. Edward is very sweet," Emily gushes with a smile. I nod softly, forcing another of what will probably be many smiles during the course of the evening. "Gorgeous dress," she compliments.

"Thank you, it's nice to meet you too…" I speak, uncertain about _EVERYTHING!_

"How come you don't ever wear anything like that?" Rob asks and Emily takes her turn, playfully slapping Rob in the opposite arm. We're all wearing smiles by the time Edward pulls out a chair for me. Soon after a waiter comes by with champagne and I'm quick to grab my first glass…

"Just ignore him, his brain hasn't matured past twelve…" Edward whispers along my neck and I try my damnedest not to laugh and almost end up snorting. _Dear God…_

Dinner arrives, it looks expensive… lobster, venison, prime rib, and pheasant. Edward had already decided that I'd have the prime rib. Rob and Edward get venison, and Emily pheasant. Apparently this was something that had to be reserved and ordered ahead of time when Edward paid for his tickets… Knowing this was planned, I'm definitely kicking Edward later…

I don't have much of an appetite - especially when I realize my mashed potatoes aren't potatoes at all. "Celery root," Edward leans over and whispers just as I'm about to reach for my napkin. _Bleh_… _What the hell is celery root?_

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Dinner wraps up and they start auctioning off anything and everything you could possibly imagine. Something has been donated from nearly every business in town. Edward keeps offering to bid on my behalf and I keep shaking my head in a firm no. Rob and Edward keep competitively outbidding each other on several items, just to raise the final bid. Emily eventually curses them both and when their laughter dies it gets really quiet at our table. _I haven't said not one word… I can't get comfortable._

A series of photos interchange on a big screen - various officers in many different settings. Some are definitely tear jerkers; tiny arms clinging to officers for dear life as they're rescued from only God knows what… Edward scaling down a building with only a rope from a rooftop… Edward bloodied at what looks like a police station. A photo of what looks like Rob standing in a locker room with soiled pants…

"Fuck you man," Rob grunts at Edward… I don't recognize many of the others, but I can't help but wonder who found the time to take some of these photos with the serious situations they represent.

Then they move onto an awards ceremony… The lights go out above the tables and focus solely on the stage, the decorative glass hurricanes with candles leave each table dimly lit. I feel the most secure I've felt all night, bathed in near darkness…

Until a spotlight starts spinning around the room… About an hour in - it stops at our table. I breathe a sigh of relief when it shifts to Rob. He's called to the stage and receives medals for honorable service, good conduct, and swat team member. He stands up at the podium and offers thanks, praises God, and doesn't forget to mention his wife and family… He does a little dance through the crowd as they continue to applaud and makes sure to rub it in and gloat when he reaches our table… "Honorable," he jabs at Edward…

"Just wait," Edward shrugs, leans back, and folds his arms over his chest while wearing a very cocky grin… Not two seconds later and the spotlight is facing us. Edward is noted to receive medals for honorable service, good conduct, educational achievement, excelled field training, specialized law enforcement, swat team member, and life saving. "You gave that last one to me," he taunts as he rises from his seat to pat Rob on the shoulder.

"..And I still haven't decided if I should thank you for that Edward," Emily teases and Rob rolls his eyes before applauding along with the crowd.

Edward reaches the podium and is handed several small velvet boxes along with certificates. Just as he's about to step in and start his thank you speech, he's shuffled over and the floor is taken from him.

"It's dedication like this that provides a brighter future for our children and our community… Edward," the speaker looks around for where Edward has gone - finds him, and motions him back over to the podium. "For your outstanding service, it's my sincerest pleasure to present you with our officer of the year award," he hands Edward another small velvet box with a certificate… They play a juggling game to shake hands before Edward is left at the podium with an insane amount of awards. I think he's received the highest tally of the night; definitely the biggest regard… _Officer of the year…_

"This is my town, I live in this great city - so it's more of a civil duty for me," Rob scoffs obviously jealous as Edward begins his speech and Emily elbows him; briefly distracting me. "I'd like to thank God and my fellow officers for keeping us safe. I couldn't do what I do without them - including you Rob, I couldn't ask for a better partner." Emily shakes her head as Rob stands and plays it up for the crowd. Edward laughs softly, he sounds nervous… "Well - I could, I'm just not sure anyone would listen" he teases and the crowd erupts in laughter.

"What about your wife?" Another big wig in a suit offers some assistance and whispers close enough to the microphone that everyone can hear. Obviously he doesn't know Edward very well… Soft laughter erupts within the crowd, from those that do know him.

"Well, she doesn't know it yet," more laughter ensues… "However, I do have someone special… Bella." The spotlight spins from Rob and lands on me again… _Fuck! _I force a smile and offer a small wave, the crowd cheers. "Who's been very supportive of my crazy schedule. I don't know what else to say… Umm… Tonight has been… awesome. So yeah - thank you all!" Edward raises his awards and offers a strong nod before slinking away from the podium. I offer a silent thanks to God that nobody knows I'm still legally married and hopefully they never find out… _Awkward… _

"Nice speech," Rob compliments and Emily nods in agreement before taking a sip from her glass of champagne. "But you're still a dick," Rob adds and Emily almost chokes. Edward laughs it off as he drops his awards on the table before lowering himself back into his seat.

"It was really nice," I offer with a soft nod of approval. Edward's cocky smile is long gone - having shifted into something I haven't seen in probably a decade, he's exceptionally bashful… I want to lean over and kiss him for being so adorable, but fear keeps me balanced in my chair.

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**~End Chapter 7 - A Red Ribbon**

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Thank you for all of the kind, wonderful reviews! I'm glad you're enjoying thus far. Looks like Bella is getting an early taste of Christmas. What do you think is waiting for Bella in the box? What would you like to see in that big white box tied with a red ribbon?


	8. Surprise

**Tainted Love**

I was planning to get this released before the holiday, but then got caught up traveling and spending time with family. I hope you had a wonderful holiday and that the new year is treating you well.

I am my own beta, all mistakes are my own.

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**~Chapter 8 - Surprise**

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There's a place, I've been looking for  
That took me in and out of buildings  
Behind windows, walls, and doors  
And I thought I found it  
Couple times, even settled down  
And I'd hang around just long enough  
To find my way back out  
I know now, the place that I was trying to reach  
Was you, right here in front of me

And I wouldn't change a thing  
I'd walk right back through the rain  
Back to every broken heart  
On the day that it was breakin'  
And I'd relive all the years  
And be thankful for the tears  
I've cried with every stumbled step  
That led to you and got me here, right here

It's amazing, what I let my heart go through  
To get me where it got me  
In this moment here with you  
And it passed me by  
God knows how many times  
I was so caught up in holding  
What I never thought I'd find  
I know now, there's a million roads I had to take  
To get me in your arms this way

And I wouldn't change a thing  
I'd walk right back through the rain  
Back to every broken heart  
On the day that it was breakin'  
And I'd relive all the years  
And be thankful for the tears  
I've cried with every stumbled step  
That led to you and got me here

In a love I never thought I'd get to get to  
Here  
And if that's the road  
God made me take to be with you

And I wouldn't change a thing  
I'd walk right back through the rain  
Back to every broken heart  
On the day that it was breakin'  
And I'd relive all the years  
And be thankful for the tears  
I've cried with every stumbled step  
That led to you and got me here, right here

And I'd relive all the years  
And be thankful for the tears  
I've cried with every stumbled step  
That led to you and got me here, right here  
Oh, baby  
Oh, got me here  
(Rascal Flats - Here)

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The final hour, cake is served and a band starts playing off in the distance. I'm lost in thought and my stomach still pangs with paranoia. I didn't feel good about this from the moment we arrived, now I'm certain more than anything else in my life - that I don't belong here.

This is his night and my being here could destroy everything he's accomplished; his main focus - his career. I don't know what he was thinking; he couldn't have been…

"You ready to ditch this party?" He asks.

"Goodnight. It was nice meeting you," Emily offers up with a smile.

"See you Monday," Rob tells Edward. He then grabs his wife's hand and leads her toward the dance floor.

"You're the man of the hour, you should probably stay…" I nod softly as I rise from my chair.

"They won't miss me," Edward stands awfully close, leaning in to nuzzle his face against my collar. I step away before anyone notices that display of affection and start heading back toward the entrance in which we came in. I can feel Edward blowing at my back to keep up.

We wait in silence for the elevator. Edward's hands are full of awards… I close my eyes, this can't be real. Why would he bring me here? And his speech… I've never been more afraid for Monday to come. My gut is one giant ball of knots. The thought that he could go from officer of the year to unemployed because of me, it makes me so sick. A bell chimes as the elevator stops, moments later the doors spring open and we're riding the elevator up to the 25th floor.

When the elevator stops, it's nothing at all like I imagined. There's very few rooms off of this hallway… A suite. Edward juggles to pull out the room key the desk clerk gave him earlier and unlocks the door to his room. It's nothing short of a well furnished apartment - nicer than his and mine combined.

"Edward," I exhale feeling so uneasy. _I feel like a virgin on prom night… _

"Bella," he replies in an amused tone - dropping his awards on a table near the entrance. There's the box he'd brought in earlier, left on the coffee table in the living area… Edward follows my line of vision and steps over to grab the box. Slowly he steps over - bringing it to me. Suddenly it's not as intriguing as it was earlier; more like a ticking time bomb… I'm afraid to touch it.

"Don't be shy now," he quips with a smile.

"It's real… Overwhelming really." _Too real!_

"Yes, it's all real," he laughs softly. "You can't thank me until you open it." I take a deep breath and reach for one of the loose ribbon ends. That's all it takes before Edward eagerly unwraps the rest of the ribbon to flip the lid to show me the contents.

_Another white box… _I reach in and remove the box. I don't know if it's the champagne bubbling to my head or the flood of mixed emotions, but I suddenly feel like I'm standing in a sauna. I step around Edward to take a seat before I fall over.

"Open it," he keeps insisting as he spins around to follow me with his vibrant stare. I remove the small piece of tape sealing the lid closed and flip the lid. Lots of tissues, I remove them one at a time… My chest is so tight, like it's being squeezed in a vise. I've come to recognize the overwhelming pressure of anxiety well over these past several months… _Dear god, where is it? What is it?_

I come across a porcelain figure of two brown bears standing at what looks like a tiny work bench - one standing on each side of a faux wooden looking table. A red heart is placed on the table between them and one bear has a hammer hoisted above it's head… I don't know what to say, mostly because I don't see the significance. _What the hell is this supposed to mean?_

"It's nice…" I lie, having no clue what I'm going to do with it.

"You have to wind it up," he extends a hand and reaches around to show me. _Oh, it's a music box, maybe?_

Edward removes his hand and the bear drops the hammer down onto the heart; immediately the pieces scatter across their work area as far as the nearly invisible wires keeping them attached to the base will allow…

"Wow," I exhale a little stunned. It was so not what I was expecting…

"Give it a minute," he smiles… The bears spin slowly looking back and forth, like they have no clue what they're supposed to do. At this point I don't know what more to expect… A minute passes and I can't contain my laughter any longer. _Stupid bears…_

"Oh - I almost forgot, you have to push the button in the front…" I lower my gaze back to the base in search of this button… Teeny tiny it is, I use my thumbnail to give it a press…

"Wait, I'll fix it!" A small voice comes from a tiny speaker in the bottom of the base. The bear opposite of the one holding the hammer raises his arms and starts pushing the pieces in a pile as the wires are wound back in from a mechanism inside the base. Within seconds of pushing the button the other bear has fixed the heart.

I wind it up again just to see it run smoothly. _"Wait, I'll fix it!" I'll let you, fix this gaping hole in my heart._

"Ahh, it's so cute!" I gush.

"There's more…" Edward directs my attention back to the box. At this point I'm in love with the figurine. I misjudged it, just like my snuggie… _More? I'm not sure I can handle anything more… _This right here, it's already so perfect. I'm not used to being lavished with anything really, it's definitely a welcomed adjustment.

_._

_._

_._

"A white envelope…" _A big white envelope_.

"It's what's inside," he quips with a big smile.

"I see," I state the obvious.

"I have a friend that's a lawyer…" The documents I pull from inside are very familiar, adorned with a mix of Jake's ink and mine sprinkled through the typed print. "His father's a judge and… I pulled some strings." Stamped, sealed, and approved - my divorce was final as of yesterday. My chest hurts like my heart is slowly being pumped by a strong forceful salty hand - crush, burn, and release. It's an almost out of body experience… I thought I was ready for this moment, but I'm anything but prepared. Without warning tears start to trickle from my eyes. I'm all over the place - unable to determine if they're happy tears or not. _Why the fuck am I crying?_

Edward's reaction to mine is well; shock. I don't know what he expected in return for this gift, but thus far I don't feel like I'm living up to his expectations. In fact, I feel completely inadequate… Edward is so above me… It's funny how a decade can really turn the tables. I can't comprehend why… _Why me? _

I raise my eyes from the papers my hand is slowly crumpling with each nerve wracking shake and twitch… Edward stares at me with hopeful eyes and… "I'm sorry," I offer and it comes out sounding hoarse. At about the same time a firm knock comes rapping at the door… Edward seems hesitant about leaving me to answer it, but eventually brushes past to go get it.

"Room service…" A man in a white suit calls out as he barrels in with a gold rolling cart. "Sir, the champagne, strawberries, chocolate, and croissants you ordered." To celebrate, I'm sure. Edward reaches in his pocket and hands him a few bills. I don't fail to notice that a gray bag has also been left near the entrance. Edward even packed for the occasion…

Silence fills the air, unless you count the sobs I'm sucking back… I feel terrible, this is his night and I'm ruining it.

After a few moments pass, "Bella…"

When I fail to respond he drops to his knees in front of me and rests a hand on my knee… I meet his agonizing stare and quickly recognize that I don't know who he is anymore.

I mean - I knew he had his shit together, I just didn't realize how together until tonight. "Say something, please…" he urges.

"I don't know what to say," I blurt in a heavy breath. By the time I feel the warmth of tears falling again, Edward is already brushing them away with a few fingers.

"I thought you wanted this as much as I did," he slowly removes his hand and leans back to rest upon his heels.

"It's just a lot to take in on a first date," I quip - offering up a small laugh before sucking the tears back again. I probably have mascara running down my face…

"There isn't anyone else I'd rather spend this night with," he offers a small sympathetic smile.

"It's just," I try to shake it off… "I expected to be lounging around in my pajamas with my snuggie when these papers would be delivered. Have a moment alone to myself - to savor how bittersweet it is before calling all of my friends and taking that leap into my new life."

"I'm sorry, I… I didn't think of it like that. It seemed like something you've anticipated…" he continues to ramble from one apology to the next.

"You didn't ruin it," I cut him off… "You caught me by surprise and now here I am doing an ugly cry on one of the biggest nights of your life," I laugh softly through the tears and exhale steadily upward to try to dry my eyes. "You'll have to forgive me..."

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I excuse myself and head down the short marble tiled hall to the bathroom - where the tile continuously flows and wraps around the room. _Holy fuck! The bathroom is too pretty to pee in, seriously…_

I grab a few tissues from the fancy gold dispenser and dampen them under the faucet before trying to wipe away the smears of melted eye make-up running from my eyes. After a few minutes of smudging, I can't tell if it helped or made it worse…

I give up and blow my nose before snooping around the bathroom. It's a very subjective word - _bathroom_… Sure there's a toilet hidden in a closet, a shower, and a huge ass Jacuzzi tub that would give that impression… But there's also a TV and a seating area that's big enough to put my living room at home to shame.

I take a breather on one of the chaise loungers and try to get my head back in the game… _Jake is history; a lot of history - but still history. _I unbuckle the straps on my heels and stretch out my feet on the cool marble, _ahh_ instant relief.

_You've got the hottest guy in the whole fucking hotel waiting on the other side of that door; officer of the mother-fucking year… Quit being such a whiney bitch and get it together! You deserve this… I deserve this… _

"Is everything okay?" Edward asks with a soft knock at the door… Which is fine, since my pep-talk really wasn't going over that well anyway. I have a hard time believing that in a span of several months this is where I would end up. Things have changed so drastically and so fast.

"Yeah, I'm just moving in…" I call out with a soft laugh while crossing the floor to open the door.

"Is there vacancy for two?" He asks, leaning against the door frame. No longer wearing his jacket, his bowtie has also disappeared and the top few buttons on his dress shirt have been opened to reveal the white t-shirt he's layered underneath. He looks incredibly sexy, even when he doesn't have it all together…

"Thank you for being so sweet. You've done so much for me and I really don't know how to thank you," I offer - honest.

"I like cookies, oatmeal chocolate chip," he winks and my heart flutters.

"I'll get started on that tomorrow," I nod softly with a smile.

"I must warn you…" He leans in so close - his voice is but a warm whisper along the curve of my neck and I almost purr at the sensation. The proximity of being this close to a man makes my body insist on throwing all caution to the wind… "I don't put out until the third date." Immediately after he shares his little secret his chest rumbles and quakes with laughter. I can't help but lean into his chest and laugh right along with him.

I can tell he's lying through his teeth for my benefit… Sometimes I wish he wouldn't be so sweet nor go so easy on me. I have visions of him taking what he wants without yield to any protest I might make, handcuffs included. Those are the nights I wake up extremely unsatisfied and drenched in sweat, unfortunately it's just my own…

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Edward pops open the bottle of champagne, neither of us are really certain what to toast to… We end up toasting to the good life, which I'm intent on finding. I try to swallow down any lingering thoughts of Jake with that first big sip. _How could he have a good time, when I was dying there - right before his eyes? Fucking whoever he wants, living out his fantasies, having his ego stroked… All the while knowing and watching how he was destroying me… _

I don't know if it was the toast or the champagne, but after - I was finally finding some semblence of peace and healing within myself. My anxiety was loosening the reigns and I was reminded what genuine contentment was. Divorce was a means to an end and suddenly I had found myself riding a retail high as if I'd just sold the ugliest knick knack in my home for far more than I could ever imagine in a yard sale... Jake was never going to change, there were so many chances…

"What's so amusing?" Edward asks with a warm smile and a raised brow.

"What?" I ask in wonder. Edward takes my glass and tops it off along with his. It's actually kind of refreshing to not be drinking alone…

"Nothing, you had this look in your eye like you were on the brink of laughter. No complaints, it's good to see you relax," he tips his head and offers a soft nod before taking a swig from his glass.

"It must be the new found freedom," I smile.

"It looks good on you…"

I don't dare mention Jake's name. I make a pact with myself that I will never mention him again, ever. We didn't have any kids, there's nothing left to chain us together. Clean break - I'm going to delete my Facebook account the minute I walk through my apartment door. I'm free!

"Do you mind if I change out of this dress?" It's late. It's uncomfortable. I'm slightly saddened that I hadn't come prepared for this moment, but I'm certain that a swanky hotel like this must have extra plush bathrobes. It's just a matter of finding them in that oversized bathroom…

"Sure, make yourself comfortable…" He waves his glass in the direction of the bathroom. "But, don't keep me waiting too long," he warns.

In the bathroom; I find two fluffy robes mixed in with a few towels inside an obscenely large and fairly empty cabinet. There's a small tray of soaps and toiletries and only one roll of toilet paper to be found. I find it really amusing how they provide such lush amenities, and very little of the basic necessities.

Contorting my arm, I'm able to get the zipper down far enough that I can tug at the front of my dress to expand the opening at the back. It wasn't nearly the acrobatics required to get into it…

I'm wearing the ugliest underwear known to man; Spanx. They're made to smooth out any unflattering areas… Definitely not something you'd ever want to reveal to a date. They're a real bitch to get up and down after a few drinks, let me tell you...

Standing before the mirror in a pair of nude colored spandex bicycle shorts that come up to just under my armpits with a strapless under-wire bra sewn in… _Ugly as sin I tell yah! _I'm disturbed that the robe doesn't close enough to fully conceal it without making me look very prudish. The top of the robe would have to wrap my neck like a turtleneck… _Decisions, decisions… _

I decide to remove the hideous undergarment…. While I'm busy rolling them into the fabric of my dress to conceal them, a knock comes at the door. I hurriedly continue to roll my dress into a ball. "Hello?" I wait for a response… I know it's him but I need at least one more minute.

"It's me…" Edward answers. _Smartass…_

"No vacancy," I reply briskly and search for somewhere to discreetly leave my dress where he won't think to do me any favors by unrolling it from its tightly wound ball.

"I uh, brought something for you to sleep in," he cracks the door and swings his arm inside the small opening, offering both black and white fabrics. "If you recall I planned this," he admits sheepishly… _Is he going shy on me?_

"Oh, I still owe you a kick… Thanks for reminding me," I taunt. I reach for the offered fabrics and they wind up in a crumpled ball in my hands.

"I don't expect you to wear it," he offers.

Just as I'm about to shake out the garments, Edward leaves the door. It's not a two piece set - he's giving me options. I can either wear one of his white t-shirts or the spaghetti strapped black silk nightgown with a delicate lace detail at the top of the bust and hem. He bought me lingerie, but it was very tasteful as far as lingerie goes. I've worn skimpier slips under my business suits once upon a time…

I slip into the smooth delicate silky fabric, the length rests at just above my knee… I'm fairly comfortable in my own skin around Edward, however I'm having a hard time modeling the apparel he's purchased for me. It's much harder to leave the bathroom feeling sexy than silly… I almost wish those goofy reindeer pajamas were an option.

_If he didn't expect me to wear it, he wouldn't have given it to me…_

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I find him in the bedroom…

He avoids all eye contact and seems incredibly nervous; I've watched him try to unbutton that same button on his shirt three times… I close the small gap and offer to assist with a small laugh. "Quit fidgeting," I steal a line from Edward's handbook… "You're…"

"Gorgeous," he finishes my sentence… _Except we're not talking about him anymore._

"Why did you bring me? Won't your mother be disappointed?" I ask in earnest, looking up to search his gaze.

"Because I like you," he notes sharply. "And my mother thought inviting you was a wonderful idea…"

"But you didn't invite me," I laugh softly.

"Not exactly," he admits with a soft laugh. Immediately my mind wanders to Tanya and I try to think of why he wouldn't invite her. The reasons now seem so blatantly obvious - but back then, I'm sure he liked her too… "Don't tell her I forced you to accompany me, that might disappoint her…"

"Hm?" I pull from my thoughts and finish unbuttoning the last button on his shirt.

"Christmas, I thought we could fly in together…" he speaks quickly - his tone laced with nervous tension. I find it amusing that he can stand in a room filled with hundreds of people and yet somehow, I currently perturb him more. _This is definitely prom night… _

"I've been thinking about it," I mention as I throw my knee up onto the bed to sit on the side of it. He tears away his white t-shirt with ease, but he appears to be having second thoughts on removing his pants… "Fine, I'll go with you." Still, he appears to be having second thoughts on removing his pants… "Need some help?" I tease…

"I didn't think this through at all…" he laughs, but it sounds pained. In a wave of gusto he drops his pants.

"Matching pajamas…" I exhale and then I think I stop breathing all together… I can't take my eyes off of it. I can't comprehend how his pants were able to contain it. Silk fabric hides nothing, in fact it enhances it.

"It's embarrassing," he swats me with a pillow, distracting my clear view - only then to cover it up with said pillow. _It's beautiful… _"Look it's snowing," he offers… And I can't help but laugh… "No, really - it's snowing…" he insists. I crawl across the bed, scooting out I step forward to stand beside Edward. _It really is snowing… _First snowfall of the season. The city looks so pretty at night, a flurry of white glimmering in the twinkling lights.

I catch our reflections in the cool glass; the sexual tension is apparent and growing unbearable. I can't stop imagining his cock while recalling those glorious sounds from the shower this morning… If I had known then what I know now, I would have joined him. I'm a divorced woman, free to do whatever she wants… _Whatever I want…_

Edward's hands find me before I have the courage to even reach out to him. _Officer of the year…_

"What are you thinking about," he whispers… Only then do I realize how tense I really am. When I let down that wall and allow myself to really feel his touch, his hands are the most tantalizing and torturous tools I've ever encountered. It feels too intimate and so much more inappropriate than what it really is. It's as if my body is finally awakening after years of being trapped inside a freezer… I quickly realize I could probably orgasm from sliding down him three times, without any penetration. His warmth is so alluring, magnetizing really…

"Keeping promises…" I admit before sinking my teeth into my bottom lip, well aware that it's still my move.

Starting with the softest of kisses… A chain reaction is soon created, starting with the muscles in his neck flexing under my fingers as he successfully declares and smothers my mouth with soft lips and rapidly there after, heated tongue. I melt into his kiss. They're always bittersweet only because at some point I know our lips must part. His hands caress so gently, it's almost a tickle - like butterflies delicately dancing along my skin… And I've never felt more alive, more in love…

I almost forget where I am when… his hands find my hips. Mine tangle nicely in his hair, soft and full but just short enough that it doesn't quite wave the way I used to remember. He doesn't need a road map to find my breasts, nor any suggestions on what they may or may not like. Unlike what's his face, Edward is man in every sense of the word. His hands slide up with precision and my back arches uncontrollably into their warmth allowing him full privilege. Slow, soft, and sensual - his lips suckle and kiss along my collar. It's a slow tortuous burn, but lovely all the same… With hooded eyes, his lips venture below the weak lace detailing of my nightgown.

Beyond the softness of skin, fingers prod only to find that he's solid everywhere they land. _Edward is built like a brick wall… _

My heart is racing by the time Edward sweeps me off my feet to straddle him. I assume a soft landing will come, but instead his lips suckle around a pert nipple glaring through the flimsy constraints of silk fabric. The wetness of his mouth leeches through and when he offers the gentlest of bites, my biggest fear is losing control and coming undone. Still, my body yearns for more, begging to be to adored for just a little while longer and I can't manage to stop myself from gyrating in his hold to grind against him. It feels too good… I don't feel much like myself at all, but this someone I like a hell of a lot better.

I slip my toes into the back of his black silk boxers and attempt to undress him with my feet. With every push downward, his erection slaps against my most sensitive places. The first time it happened, I nearly squealed aloud in delight and now I was just torturing myself… Edward sensing my frustration, offers me that soft landing on the bed.

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I'm disappointed at the disconnect. Those seconds feel like minutes and that minute feels like an hour. I pray that he isn't having second thoughts; never have I wanted anything or anyone more in my entire life. _We'll have to pretend this is the third date, I might die if I have to wait any longer. _

Finally his hand reaches out to trail and smooth along my knee. I spread my legs like an eager whore; if anything I figure I'm showing an adamant interest. The pace is so torturously slow, yet sensual enough to leave me trembling in the wake of his touch.

His eyes devour me, yet his hand continues to move with the trepidation of waiting to be burned as he slowly inches toward my heat. "Please," I beg - giving his arm a gentle pull for him to come join me on the bed.

His voice floats along my ear, but I can't decipher what's being said. _You're not wearing any panties… _The words are merely background noise to guttural gasps and moans, muted in the huskiness of his tone. The slightest wisp of a touch in just the right place… I was insanely sensitive and he seemed very perceptive of what I yearned for obsessively - but relished in teasing me instead.

His arousal remained apparent and ready to rip free from the tangle of silks to further taunt and torture me. I couldn't help but writhe and claw at the bed linens as his fingers worked their magic, curving to tickle and caress places inside of me I hadn't known existed.

Edward was a fucking god. He'd given me the first orgasm to ever literally shake me to the core. To where my body was left trembling uncontrollably, covered in a thin sheen of sweat and goose-bumps. My chest ached from breathing so hard and time had managed to escape me. By the time my lids had fluttered open after catching my breath, Edward was already hovering above me in anticipation, with a greedy mouth and no barrier to divide us…

It was hard to fathom that there was still a main event to come in my lucid yet exhausted state. Without pause he hitches up my right knee and slowly guides himself inside. I trace along his neck with my tongue and savor the saltiness of his skin, teeth graze as he fills me to the hilt. _Dear God… _His hand pushes down on my chest and I can't help but wonder if he's afraid I'll mark him again. Though not a moment later he rolls one of my nipples between forefinger and thumb and I'm arching deeper into his touch. The new angle only emphasizes how greatly he fills me and I end up whimpering like a bitch in heat. He wastes little time in devouring my other nipple between his lips and I nearly scream at the sensation overload.

I don't even realize I'm shredding the hell out of his back with my nails until he stops his efforts to remove them and wrap them neatly above my head with a smirk. He's amazing and he fucking knows it, he's entitled to own it. I'm fairly certain our neighbors, if there are any, know it too. His pace quickens and his face hovers just inches from mine. Close enough to feel his breath dance across my face, but far enough that I can't reach him with lips and tongue.

Slow - deep, animated eyes do most of the talking. Everything else is futile, incoherent breathy gibberish… _Love me just a little while longer_, I beg with pleading eyes…

I get a front row seat to a variety of agonizingly beautiful facial expressions; his eyes are filled with a ravenous mix of sexual intensity and something deeper I can't yet comprehend. Never has anyone ever looked at me like that during sex ever - not that I have a hell of a lot of comparisons…

A tear nearly slips from the corner of my eye at the overwhelming sensation of what it's like to be treated like a woman; to really be with a man… Every curve adored and explored… I'm more than just a warm crevice to Edward. He's in it for the journey and reaching the final destination just happens to be that added perk.

When he hitches my leg up just a little higher by closing that tiny gap between us, we're skin on skin and he grinds where we connect stimulating my clit into overdrive. Kisses are breathy, wet, and sloppy… but they've never tasted sweeter.

My hands fight against his for release, still he doesn't relinquish their hold. Which was incredibly smart on his behalf because not a moment later a series of orgasms wash over me by surprise. _Holy fuck! _Never before have I experienced multiple orgasms with a partner, ever… This time, Edward was quick to follow with a sudden disconnect. Stroking his beautiful glistening shaft until he finds release on my abdomen… And the shower scene replays loud and clear in my head, now in vivid color with no lack of imagery. I've never conjured up anything hotter in my fairly boring existence.

We both take a moment to catch our breaths, Edward on his knees and me still lying on my back - I don't think I could move if I wanted to. Thoroughly fucked, bodies flushed and glowing with sweat… My entire body radiates with a warmth that promises I could go frolicking naked in the snow and not catch a chill.

"I'll go grab a towel," he offers giving me the softest of kisses before crawling off the bed. He fucking owns me…

By the time he disappeared - I had already swore I was his and only his, left to tremble in the memory of his touch and sighing… _One more night is all I'll pray - each and every single damn day._

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I wake in a tangle of sheets to Edward offering me the berries and croissants we hadn't touched from the night before along with fresh coffee. "Morning angel," he scoots on up beside me and brushes the hair from my eyes.

"What time do we have to be out by?" I groan in a hoarse whisper. Not because it's morning, but because I literally have nearly no voice after last night. I push up off the mattress and reach for the offered cup of coffee…

"Noon, we've got plans at one…" he smiles big…

"What's this we? I haven't made any plans," I quip. Coffee helps…

"A surprise… I have ways to make you more agreeable," he winks and my body shudders at the mere thought. _Yes, please…_

We lounge around in our birthday suits sharing bites of breakfast and enjoying our coffee. Not much is said between us, but there's enough gentle and subtle touching going on that it doesn't feel awkward in the least.

At the very last minute Edward decides it's time to get dressed and it doesn't take long for me to piece it together. He purchased and packed a pair of Bears sweats for me along with a matching bra and panty set. His sweats are the same but with a slightly different print…

"Gah, we're going to a football game…" I laugh…

"We are…I didn't know what size shoe you wore…" he mumbles aloud as he reaches for the phone beside the bed. Surprisingly everything fits well, including the bra. I feign shock that he doesn't know my shoe size.

"Seven," I blurt before reaching to steal a pair of his socks from his suitcase.

Not more than ten minutes later and a bellboy is delivering a purchase from the gift shop, a pair of white canvas sneakers. Edward helps me remove the tags, probably because they were way overpriced and he doesn't want me to see what he paid for them. I put them on and use the bag they came in to stuff my dress and heels inside before adding it to Edward's luggage. Edward slaps a knit bears cap on my head and wraps me up excessively in a matching scarf before handing me a pair of gloves… I'm thankful for the comfy attire by the time we reach the car. I'm actually a little tender…_ Still - I'd let him, if he wanted to…_

At the game it's cold, really fucking cold. Edward opens his jacket and pulls me inside - he's sooo warm, but I feel guilty and worry that now he might be cold with his jacket not closed properly. I'm bordering on the edge of asking to leave, but fear it might upset him. I spend the next quarter breathing down his neck and focusing on warmth before he decides we should leave.

I expect to listen to the game on the drive home, but he doesn't turn the radio on. He steals my hand from my lap and gently strokes the back of it - almost absentmindedly while he focuses on the road. "About last night," he starts.

"Ahhhhmazing, thank you." I quickly retort which steals a laugh from Edward. "In case you couldn't tell, it's been awhile…" Like a really long while - I'm surprised my girly bits haven't dried up from the insane drought. I hadn't gone that long without sex since I became sexually active.

"Yeah, same here…" _He could have fooled me. _"Let's just get this out of the way…" he laughs softly, it comes out sounding completely nervous and has me riding on the edge of the seat. "We're exclusive, right?"

"I thought we were…" At least that's what I thought I was agreeing to when I promised no more speed dating… "Unless…" I offer him an out because I'm highly embarrassed by the assumptions I've yet again made. _I suck at dating…_

"Unless nothing, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page." His smile makes my panties wet… _Officer of the year…_

He walks me up and opens his suitcase to give me my bag. I'm a little apprehensive about this date ending. So I jump him again for good measure…

When he finally does leave, hours later after sharing Chinese take out - it's with regret and apprehension on his end as well. I understand he has to be up early for work, but still manage to keep him lingering on my doorstep for nearly twenty minutes with lots of kisses and not so subtle groping…

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As soon as he leaves I dial Alice, mostly because I need someone to pinch me and wake me up from this love sick stupor. I feel like a kid again… Crushing like it's my first love…

"Well, he was…" Alice is quick to remind me he was my first love… Everything is just so perfect. I mention that "I'm actually looking forward to going home with him for the holidays." Which reminds Alice to goat me about his brothers.

She's willing to tag along at the chance that his younger brother Jasper may be on leave for the holidays. I'm uncertain about bringing along a third wheel. I love Alice, but is it wrong that I don't want her to come? I don't have a backbone to tell her no… So we leave that conversation in limbo to play it by ear…

A knock comes at my door. I quickly hang up, assuming Edward came back… By the time I peer through the peep hole, I only catch the back of whomever it was… Cautiously I open the door… Still chicken shit to be out on my own, but too stubborn to openly admit it.

I find a card with a red rose thrown on top of it… The sentiment is sweet, but around the corner come a barrage of accusations and insults…

_Tell me what's up with your new friend?_

"Jake…"

_Did you fuck him?_

Flustered, I do the first thing that comes to mind - flee before he can reach me. Essentially slamming the door and locking it with haste.

_Would you believe me if I said I still love you?_

_It's silly of me to think that I could win you back…_

_I know I shouldn't, but I do._

I can feel his weight pressed up against my door, his tone shifts to pleading for my sympathy… To think I thought deleting Facebook would be a painless out…

"You're not supposed to be here," I mutter through the door. I don't bother to ask how he knows where I live. It's all over the divorce documentation and if he paid for a private detective, I'd expect he'd get at least that out of the deal. No boundaries, no respect…

_I can't help myself, I miss you…_

I wonder if he even knows… Our divorce is final.

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**~End Chapter 8 - Surprise**

Thanks for dropping by!

Twitter = Taintedvile**  
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	9. Christmas

**Tainted Love**

Thank you for all of the kind reviews & for being so patient with me. *Smooches***  
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**~Chapter 9 - Christmas**

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Greeting cards have all been sent  
The Christmas rush is through  
But I still have one wish to make  
A special one for you

Merry Christmas darling  
We're apart that's true  
But I can dream and in my dreams  
I'm Christmas-ing with you

Holidays are joyful  
There's always something new  
But every day's a holiday  
When I'm near to you  
The lights on my tree  
I wish you could see  
I wish it every day  
Logs on the fire  
Fill me with desire  
To see you and to say

That I wish you Merry Christmas  
Happy New Year, too  
I've just one wish  
On this Christmas Eve  
I wish I were with you

Logs on the fire  
Fill me with desire  
To see you and to say  
That I wish you Merry Christmas  
Happy New Year, too  
I've just one wish  
On this Christmas Eve  
I wish I were with you  
I wish I were with you

Merry, Merry, Merry Christmas  
Merry Christmas - Darling  
(The Carpenters - Merry Christmas, Darling)

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When we answer the knock at the door on Christmas Eve we're excited to hear caroling. Edward, my dad, and I stand in the open door fighting the winter chill. The choice of song isn't anything I've ever heard before - but we all smile and go along with it. My dad leaves us after a minute to retrieve the cookies we baked the previous night, thinking he had to give them something for their time and efforts…

"Would you be Bella?" A woman from the small group gathered inquires when the song ends.

"I would," I answer with a little apprehension - but am quite curious as to why I was singled out.

"This is for you," she hands me a red envelope and the group makes their way down the drive to a van we failed to notice sooner. Here we go a caroling is emblazoned on the side with a business phone number and we all quickly realize that it was a paid service.

"See who it's from," my dad prods… Edward's expression tells me he knows as well as I do. I was able to get Jake off my doorstep by threatening to call the police and figured that was that… The card he left behind was filled with the same crap he was spewing on my doorstep; how he missed me, craved my touch, couldn't sleep… How he's nothing, _with or _without me. Okay, so I added that little part, but it's the honest to God truth. _Loser… _

Still, a very small part of me is riddled with guilt. The only logical explanation I can come up with is - deep down I am a good person, not the monster he created. All of my feelings for him have long since died, he's just playing on my emotions and only because I let him get to me. _He doesn't exist… _I need to believe that.

"I'll open it later," I insist. I can barely get the words out my chest is so tight.

We all try to move along like it never happened. My father offers us cookies as we settle into the den because he was left holding the tray. Edward starts looking just as sick as I feel and I'm overwhelmed with the desire to set things straight.

"It's nothing, here - we'll open it." I flip the envelope over and break the golden sticker seal.

The card is a fairly generic Christmas card to a significant other. Two bears are nuzzling noses on the front with the greeting; _At Christmas time and always, I love you more than I can say. _I try not to vomit but I can feel bile rising up into the back of my throat… Inside a few hundred dollar bills fall out with a tiny slip of paper before I can read; _Because you are just so wonderful in every single way! Merry Christmas! With all my love, Jake._

I unfold the slip of paper to find a note penned in an unsteady hand. _It's with deep regret that I can't be there with you, just know that not an hour goes by that I don't think of you. If only you knew how I hear your voice when others speak, how many times I see your face on any given day on crowded streets. Please abandon the pain of yesterday. Don't let the past reflect the choices of today. Do what you will, but I refuse to give up us. So I'll keep giving you my all expecting nothing in return. For all I have now is time to yearn, forever yours. _

I wonder who he had to hire to help him write that haunting message… He even included his phone number. _As if I could possibly forget so soon… _Even in a moment of desperation, I would never call. _Never…_

There's no mention of what to do with the money, but it's very typical of Jake. I didn't know what to get you - so I'll keep it impersonal and throw some cash at you so you can get what you want. Then at least I can say I gave you something when there was little to no thought involved on my part. Even after all of these years, he still doesn't know me… The money just adds further insult.

Edward was the first to break the silence. "You need to get a restraining order."

"Ah, Jake… He's harmless. Stupid, but harmless." In sync we both slowly turn to look at my father. "What?" He's so clueless…

"I can't believe you're defending him," I groan.

"God rest your mother's dear soul... You can't imagine the lengths I would go to just to have one more day." His admittance pains my heart.

"Dad, that's different…" So different, huge difference!

"It's going to take time Bells, that's all I'm saying… I'd be disappointed if he didn't try, not that I actually want to see you two get back together. You're a fine young woman… Isn't she Edward?" Oh my God, this is so damn awkward…

"Yes, she is. Yet it would be smart to send him the message that his efforts are not wanted. I think it's time to get the authorities involved." Edward speaks calmly, but his hands have a mild shake to them. I can only imagine the things he would do to Jake if he was able to get his hands on him. He might need to add another line to that spider-web tattoo.

"We can agree to disagree. I still say he's harmless…" I feel awful for Edward. Thankfully my dad starts shoving his face with cookies and the diarrhea of the mouth ends. "What are you going to do with the money?" _Too soon_… I reach into the card and hand the three bills over to my father like it were money owed.

"You can have it," I offer.

"But it was given to you," he reminds me.

"Just take it!" I wave the bills at him. "Can we stop talking about it now? I'm not going to let _him _ruin our Christmas. Edward and I traveled all this way to spend time with you! Imagine how this all must make him feel… Could you be anymore ignorant right now?" I huff, completely irritated at my father's behavior. The flames of the fireplace spark and glow blue-green with the addition of the red envelope and its contents. As they dissipate the papers curl and surrender to the licking flames before floating into ash. I close the glass to keep it from blowing out onto the carpet.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes.

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"He means well," Edward insists after my father surprisingly turns in for bed early.

"You honestly believe that?" I laugh softly. I've never been so happy for a day to end.

"Yeah, he's just being a dad." Edward throws an arm around me and scoots in to get cozier than he's allowed himself since we arrived. It's obvious he wants to make a really good impression. He's been wearing long sleeves and while I know it's cold outside, Edward rarely ever wears anything more than a t-shirt inside. I can't help but feel like he's hiding parts of who he is to impress my dad and it's all lost on him anyway… "Wait until you meet my mother now… I should warn you, she doesn't have much of a filter either. I think that comes with old age…" he laughs softly.

"It's going to be hard to top my dad…" I quip.

"Well… I've never brought anyone else home… So, I'm kind of expecting her to overwhelm you with a barrage of questions. It's just who she is, she needs to know everything."

"Never?" I nearly squeal, in complete denial and disbelief. How does a man get to this stage in life without ever bringing a woman home?

"Why do you sound so surprised?" He laughs at me. _Laughs…_

"It's weird… Never, really?"

"No, and why is that so weird?"

"It's a lot of pressure," it means that they're going to think that we're serious! _I'm not sure if we've reached that stage yet… _

"You've met my mother before, she's always liked you… You'll be fine," he assures me with a gentle squeeze.

I excuse myself under the premise of making hot cocoa. Then go through a fit of facial expressions in the kitchen. _Dear God - I want to scream! _Truthfully, I never really gave Edward and I too much thought. We agreed to be exclusive and he's been doing a fine job of making me forget what's his face ever existed. The sex is amazing and truly I can't ask for anything more at this point.

If I allow myself to think about it - there's all the what if's that tag along and they drag me down to a dreary place. I honestly don't know how our relationship is going to hold up once I find a job. I imagine with what little time we'll have left to spend together we're bound to get frustrated… It would probably come to a mutual end eventually…

I almost get a little misty eyed thinking about it…

"Need some help?" Edward offers the second he steps into the kitchen.

"I've got it, just trying to find where he keeps his marshmallows - if he has any…" I mutter as I start flipping through cabinets.

"Slow down." When his hands meet my shoulders, I melt into him. All of the tension drained with a single comforting touch. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm just getting ahead of myself, I'll be fine…" I slow my movements and take a deep breath.

"Then we better get to bed soon - so Santa can come." His plea amuses me - but it's the kisses he plants along my neck that lure me into believing that sort of magic…

"We better," I insist.

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Christmas morning comes at six-thirty. My father is very keen on tradition… I wish I had waited until at least nine as a child, but it's too late for that… Edward is exhausted, I don't think he made it back to the guest room until well after three. However he too is in love with the idea of tradition and coffee helps.

The boys sit at the kitchen table with my father sharing all sorts of memories from Christmas's past. Including the fact that I was the one issuing the wake up call until well into my early twenties… "Okay, so I was big on Christmas!" Edward is eating up everything he says with a huge grin. I try not to roll my eyes and get the cinnamon buns in the oven in record time.

"I still love Christmas, always will. Never did I mind baby-girl. Dare I say I'm slightly disappointed I had to take over. I miss the days when you'd wake me on Christmas morning…" My dad speaks so fondly, I'm almost sad I couldn't give that to him.

"If you go back to bed, I'll wake you when the rolls are done baking," I offer - giving him a small pat on his shoulder.

"I'm already up, maybe next year…" Go figure, him taking me up on my offer to get rid of him and end his embarrassing stories would be too easy… "If you didn't get up fast enough, she'd go for the feet. Tickle and pull! Don't let her size fool you," he laughs.

"I hope your mother is as animated as my father," I force a smile and join them at the table. Edward rubs my knee under the table and while it's not suggestive in any way, I could pounce him, again… _Bella's definitely got her groove back…_

We make small talk until the rolls finish baking. My father inquires about our plans and asks Edward about his family. They get along really well and it's apparent when my father isn't going off on a tangent about my ex-husband like Edward doesn't exist - he does in fact have a great deal of respect for him. I'm so glad today is going better than last night… Edward seems much more relaxed, he sits awfully close once we settle in the living room to open presents. We decided to get that out of the way while we wait for the rolls to cool.

Just like previous years, my father plays Santa. Making all sorts of references to present size and how I must have been a very good girl, yada-yada. He does the same for Edward which I find hilarious. We each end up with several presents stacked before us, some are even labeled from Santa in various pens.

We take turns opening them.

Bella gets a sweater with a beautifully woven scarf and eight hundred dollars in an envelope - from dad. _I don't know who he's kidding, he gives me five hundred every year - part of my inheritance as he calls it, so the other three must be Jake's…_

Edward gets a pocket knife - from Santa. (In dad's pen.)

Dad gets a new fishing reel - from Bella.

Bella gets a kindle slash I-pad type of gadget, velocity something or other… - from Santa (In Edward's pen!)

Edward gets a Bears keychain with an apartment key - from Santa. (In Bella's pen)

Dad gets a couple of war history movies - from Edward.

Bella gets the as seen on tv window and door alarms - from Santa (In dad's pen.)

Edward gets a redeemable beer of the month subscription certificate - from dad.

Dad gets the expensive fishing lure he's been talking about for two years but is too cheap to buy for himself - from Santa (In Bella's pen)

Bella gets a pair of black leather boots, size seven - from Edward. Thankfully my father doesn't have any witty retorts other than they're nice.

Edward gets a sappy scrapbook filled with various trinkets old and new - from Bella. He seems genuinely amazed and grateful - probably because he didn't think a lot of the ticket stubs and whatnot were saved…

Dad gets a gift certificate wrapped inside a Wheaties cereal box for the local sporting goods store - from Santa. (In Edward's pen.)

We stopped to take a break to eat our cinnamon rolls. They were barely warm, but still very good. My father couldn't stop tinkering with his new fishing reel… The gifts from Edward were really nice, above and beyond what I had expected. I'll admit I was feeling a little guilty for not spending more, not that I really have it to spend frivolously - but what do you get a guy who seems to have everything including the money to buy whatever he wants?

Edward finished his breakfast at record speed so he could get back to flipping through the pages of the scrapbook. Seeing him so charmed by my shoddy craftsmanship warmed my heart. I had this fear that he would think it was stupid, but he was genuinely behaving like it was the best gift he'd ever received. So intrigued and eager to get to the next page… Being a pack-rat, it was hard to give up those items. I figure if it doesn't work out it's probably best he keep them anyway; spare me the grief of lingering over them again and again.

We finish unwrapping the rest of the presents. Ornaments, socks, hats and gloves, boxes of candy… Basically all of the stuff that's too big or fragile to fit into a stocking. Nothing that's really too memorable… Of course like every year, my father has placed an orange in each of the stockings on the mantle. It's tradition. Thankfully Edward doesn't ask because my father would go into a tangent about how years and years ago when fruit was scarce and considered sacred… Yeah, it would take about an hour or so.

I can't remember a time I laughed or smiled this much on Christmas… Jake ruined a lot of things for me, little by little he sucked the joy out of everything. To think I could have had this last year, or the year before, or the year before that. I truly failed myself for far longer than I ever had to or intended to. It's hard to reflect with a clear head and not feel like a disappointment.

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We arrive at Edward's parents late for dinner. It wasn't intentional, but with visitors arriving at my dad's house for dinner we got caught up and lost track of time. I felt a little awkward going in since there were so many people. The house was decorated so beautifully and different from what I could remember. All of their Christmas décor was pristine, like it had been rented and set out by professionals. Everything was matchy-matchy, which was a little intimidating. It made my father's house appear frumpy in comparison. I knew Edward probably didn't care about such things, but I couldn't help but make those comparisons.

"Isabella, it's so good to see you." Immediately his mother envelopes me in a big hug at her first opportunity to escape the kitchen. It was very nice and so comforting. It made me forget how much time had elapsed since I last visited.

Edward's brothers were home for the holiday. I felt a small pang of guilt for not inviting Alice… That passed quickly once Edward's niece Emma approached with a doll she wanted help dressing. I was taken back by how trusting she was. A spitting image of Emmett when he was just a boy, but her mother Rose also has very similar coloring. If it weren't for my father giving me insider info, I wouldn't have a clue who most of them were - it had been so long…

Little by little everyone introduced themselves. There was a lot of extended family invited which ended up relieving some of the pressure. Various conversations ensued and I didn't end up being the center of any of it surprisingly…

_Until after dinner…_

"Thank you for offering to help. I'm just going to rinse them, the maid will take care of it all in the morning…" Her admittance catches me off guard and I find myself agreeing with a soft nod. Feeling useless, I turn to go…

"You know Edward is very smitten with you…" I stop in my tracks and turn back.

"As I am with him," I smile politely.

"I heard about your unfortunate situation… Edward's grown and there's no telling him anything, he's always done what he wants to do consequences be damned." I'm left speechless and can't find the words to even begin to form a reply… "So I'm going to tell you… I know you just got out of a bad relationship, but you're the first and only girl Edward has ever brought into our home… Which is pretty telling, don't you think?" I can't tell if she genuinely likes or despises me at this point…

"It is…" I agree. I knew they'd make that jump just as I had expected…

"Promise me no matter what, you'll be honest with him. Don't string him along if you don't have the same goals. Edward should have been married yesterday," she laughs and I force a laugh, ha-ha…. "Work, work, work - it's all those boys want to do," she sighs… "I don't know what to do with them. Jasper is next on my list," she shakes her head symbolizing her frustrations…

"Edward makes time for me," I nod. _Sometimes…_

"I'm happy to hear… I have nothing against you Bella, really. I'm a mother, that trumps everything - it's what I do." She runs her hands down her torso and smoothes down her dress, but it's quite apparent she still wears the pants in the family.

"I understand." _Yes and no, not really…_

"Good, now that we've got that out of the way… We should join them and get started on opening the presents…" She puts a dirty bowl in the sink, wipes her hands on a kitchen towel and ushers me out before I have a moment to reflect. It's so glaringly obvious we had a little chat… Enough that Edward appears perturbed.

"I told you," he whispers in my ear under the guise of stretching an arm around me once I sit beside him on the couch. I can't even put into words what just happened in there… Maybe she had a few too many glasses of wine?

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I'm not as interested when it comes to unwrapping gifts over at Edward's parents house. I brought a bottle of wine and some of the cookies we baked, having no idea that there would be a big gift exchange. At least I didn't expect to be included in it…

I felt awful and apologized profusely. Edward accepted full blame for not telling me and the family made small jokes about it… Though to be honest, I'm not sure even he expected it. I received a few sweaters, a Christmas themed snow globe, a vanilla scented candle, and a necklace from his parents. A platinum heart locket decorated with diamonds along the outer edge and my name inscribed in a script font in the center; Isabella. Immediately I knew his mother had selected it, since she's big on using formal names. It was all so overwhelming, really. Even his grandma gave me five bucks in a generic card. I wanted to run away if only to save myself further embarrassment.

When everyone finished unwrapping, I was relieved it was over…

_But then it wasn't…_

"Edward… has something he wants to give to Isabella…" His mother makes this grand announcement.

I shift my gaze to Edward at the exact time he responds, "I do?"

"Don't get cold feet now," his brother Emmett offers with a laugh.

I can see the fear and trepidation in Edward's body movements, he's so stiff. "I was going to wait until later," Edward announces.

"Pretend it's later, I want to see!" Even his grandmother is pushy…

"You tell him Gram," Jasper concurs.

All eyes are on Edward… He rises from the couch and not a moment later extends his hand for me to take. Confused, I go along with it…

When he reaches in his pocket - only then do I connect the dots. I wasn't expecting this - I hadn't even thought of this moment. I mean, I had - but only in my dreams. Reality - never… _Knees don't give out on me now… _My head begins to swoon or spin, same difference really…

_Dear God, in front of his entire family… _Edward gets down on one knee… The room is filled with gasps, cheers, and squeals of excitement from people I hardly remember and barely know.

"I wouldn't do this without your father's blessing - and well, he didn't kill me." Edward jokes and already I can feel tears forming in my eyes. Of course my father would say yes, he wants grandchildren yesterday!

"I know this is very… sudden. Before you say no, believe me when I say I fully expect you to…" He starts…

"Say yes, say yes, yes…" His family encourages… _Holy fuck!_

"If I could have a do-over in this life, there's only one thing that I would change. I regret that I didn't seize the day way back when… When I had the opportunity. This is just another moment in this lifetime… I don't know what the future holds - I just know that each moment is precious and I don't want to go on wasting it. I want to make my intentions clear while I'm still able to do so. You know, just in case one of us gets run over by a bus tomorrow…" He teases… His words are so fluid, but it's obvious he's incredibly nervous by the frozen death like grip he has on my hand. I laugh softly only because there are bigger realities that he faces on a day to day - a bus should be the least of his worries…

"See, you're laughing - I've already done my job for today…" he quips… And I can no longer contain the tears from falling. I'm a mix of emotions, so many - that I can't even make enough sense to pin point everything that I'm feeling. I'm all over the place. It's quite reminiscent of when I first found out about the affair… I didn't know whether to laugh, scream, or cry and ended up doing all of the above and losing parts of my sanity in the process.

"I love you. I don't think that's a secret - and I'm going to tell you everyday until you get tired of hearing it from this day forward for as long as you'll tolerate me." More tears… He opens his hand and presents a small gold ring with a tiny little sapphire… "Story time…" I don't know what to make of it, my heart is beating out of my chest and my cheeks are being held captive by waterfalls of tears….

"For those that don't know Bella… She was my first love, my first everything… I bought this ring oh, fourteen or so years ago after saving forever - or what seemed like forever at the time. It was meant to be a promise ring, but I was too scared to give it to her, to you… That night at the carnival it was burning a hole in my pocket…" More tears… _Fuck! _I keep wiping them away, but they flow in steady streams… In front of his entire family to boot.

"What would end up being our last night together before you went off to college. I was stupid, so stupid Bella… I don't know if this little ring would have been enough - that's why…" He places the small sapphire ring into the palm of my hand and reaches in his pocket again…

"This time around… I'm not taking any chances." He produces a massive solitaire diamond on a platinum band encrusted with even more diamonds. It's definitely more than a carat and my mouth is suddenly very dry. "I bought this ring a few weeks ago, the day after you wore those silly reindeer pajamas to be specific. I knew then in that moment, any woman that's willing to embarrass herself to make someone else smile - is my kind of girl." I laugh through more tears…

"I guess it's a good thing I wore them then," I choke out.

"But, you're not supposed to say yes," he argues with a smile…

"Say yes, say yes, yes…" His family encourages, most of them misty eyed or moved to tears too from Edward's story telling…

"Shhh… let me finish," he scolds.

"Damn, get to it… Before you bore her to death and miss your opportunity again." Emmett quips.

"You are so bad Em, that was terrible…" Jasper scolds through soft laughter…

"Shut up, all of you. Except Edward, you can continue honey…" Edward's mom speaks up and everyone listens…

"If you say yes and remember I don't expect you to. I promise there will be a long engagement… As much time as you need."

"Not too long," his mother inserts.

"Esme, let them do what they want…" Edward's father eventually chimes in to shush his mother.

"Nobody listens to me anyway…" Esme huffs with a shrug. Edward shakes his head softly… I can't take my eyes off of him. I anticipate and anticipate…

"So many years passed. I honestly thought I'd never see you again… And here we are." Now it looks like he's about to cry, glossy emeralds…

"Here we are," I repeat.

"I want to grow old with you. Alzheimer's old," he adds. "I'm so nervous…" His hands have a visible shake… "Why is this last part so hard?" He blinks and brushes something from his eye, like he has something in it… _Suppose it wouldn't be very manly to cry in front of your brothers…_

"Because you keep saying you expect her to say no! That was the sweetest story I've ever heard. Ask her Eddie, she'll say yes…" Gram adds her two cents.

Ask! Quickly before I faint," I blurt and a few giggles float through the room.

"There will never be a perfect moment, but this is our moment… Not today, but someday… Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife? Marry me Bella…"

"Yes!" Gram was right, I couldn't say no.

_Divorced to engaged in the same month. _

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Not long after, we leave to try to catch the tail end of the party going on at my father's house. His family requests that we keep them updated on the wedding plans….

"If you felt pressured into saying yes, I'll understand." Edward speaks, giving me an out the minute we get settled back into my dad's car. "Would you have said yes, if not…" he sounds hopeful and looks a little lost when it comes to finding the right words he wants to say.

"Honestly, when you first reached in your pocket I was going to say no because well - it's crazy." I blurt, too honest. "That night at the carnival, I would have said yes if you asked. Of course you'd have had to convince me you weren't joking first. Really, that's all I wanted from you then Edward. To tell me I was more than just someone you liked to hang around and sleep with sometimes. I felt used and convinced myself I thought more of you than you ever would of me… Then I conjured up a dozen reasons why it probably would have never worked so I could forget about you."

"I know, I screwed up…"

"You go from liking me to telling me you love me in a crowd of at least thirty people… I don't know what we're doing, but if you're serious…" I give him an out.

"I'd marry you today if the court house was open to obtain a marriage license. If you need to ask, that's how serious I am Bella." _What happened to a long engagement…_

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"Did you kids have a good time?" My father asks the minute he tears open the door. He's so obvious…

"We did," I raise my hand and show him the ring.

"Wow," he pulls my hand closer to inspect it.

"It's real," Edward confirms at the exact same time my father does.

"It had better be," my father grins and slaps Edward on the back of his shoulder as we move into the house.

My extended family isn't nearly as excited as Edward's. In fact they think it's obscene… Not much is said to me - but I can spot the leaning whispers from a mile away. Rooms fall silent when I enter them… I'm pretty sure I heard my aunt refer to me as a hussy while chatting up a cousin.

_Maybe I am stupid…_

_Or perhaps I just made the smartest decision of my life; the one I should have made to begin with…_

I escape to my bedroom and dial Alice to wish her a Merry Christmas. Immediately she wants to know how my holiday is going with Edward…

"You were right," I give in.

"I told you! I'm always right…" I can't help but laugh at her little gloat. I'm sure she didn't predict a marriage proposal. In fact I'm a little hesitant to tell her…

"How's it going over at your Uncle's?" I inquire.

"Gram burned the turkey," she whispers. "The Chinese food should be here soon. My aunt gave me a stunning Coach purse and a matching wallet!" By her tone it sounds like the great gift made up for the burnt turkey. "So what did lover boy get you?"

"An e-reader computer type thing…" Gadgets are lost on me, I hardly use my cell phone and even that is pretty basic… "Black leather boots, and a ring.." I quickly add.

"A ring? I love jewelry," she gushes. "Do tell…What does it look like?" I pull the phone away from my ear and still I can hear her loud enthusiasm…

"An engagement ring…" _Sorry Alice, you won't be borrowing this piece of jewelry… _Wow, that silenced her…

"Bella," she finally scolds in a huff.

"Someday, not today… We agreed on a long engagement," I assure her.

"What are you doing?" _I honestly don't know… _"What happened to being independent and taking it slow? Seeing what's out there…" She ridicules with an exceptional amount of talent - pretty much guaranteeing that she'll be an excellent mother, someday…

"Hey, you're the one who pushed for me to go home with him." _She did! _I feel like I'm arguing with my mother…

"That was entirely selfish on my part… Bella, you know I love you. But, how can you not see that this is a bad idea?" _Honest Alice…_

"You had to be there…" I suggest. "It was more than just a proposal… Okay, I'm a sap!" I submit.

"So what are you going to tell him?"

"Nothing, I said yes." _What can I say?_

"I can't believe he's that insecure…" she laughs, but even her laughter sounds annoyed.

"I wouldn't say that. You weren't there Alice, it was really sweet. He gave a long speech about seizing moments… And I decide to seize mine."

"Which was incredibly stupid," she adds quickly - sputtering out those words.

"Maybe…" I surrender, somewhat.

"What the hell are you thinking? Bella, come on…" She pleads…

"I don't understand why you're so bitter… Is it because you haven't even received a first proposal and here I am on my second?" I snap.

"Bella…"

"Alice, just be happy for me." I hate arguing with Alice. You can never win an argument with her.

"I might consider it if I had an inkling as to why you'd actually say yes. This is absurd!"

"I know it's crazy… Maybe that's why I said yes. My whole life, I've played by the rules - catering to everyone around me. For once it's nice to have someone cater to and care about my needs. What if this was the life I was supposed to have all along? The life I would have had if I didn't listen to everyone around me telling me what a loser Edward was."

"But he was a loser Bella! He would have never pulled himself together with you tip-toeing and tolerating that kind of bullshit. He would have dragged you down with him! It would have festered and probably ended a hell of a lot sooner than your marriage to Jake…"

"We don't know that…" My tone is but a decibel above a whisper. I don't have it in me to continue to fight and argue with her.

"No, but when you make smart rational decisions those are the kinds of choices you make. If Jake didn't cheat, you'd still be off in la-la land with him." Her assumptions couldn't be more wrong… words sting.

"La-la land, that's a way of putting it… I have to go Alice, I've already left Edward to the wolves for too long…"

"Don't be mad Bella, we'll talk when you get back…" Alice gently insists.

"Yeah, Merry Christmas… Love you," I end the call and take a deep breath…

_What the hell am I doing? In that moment it felt so right… Now I'm not so certain._

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**~End Chapter 9 - Christmas**


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